Snowing Outside, but it can't get any colder inside

Going back through my old posts and I found one from around this time last year. It was at this point in time that I didn't have any idea that I would be moving to North Carolina. It felt weird looking back on it because as much as things actually DID end up changing in 2013, not everything has been positive.

My grandfather appears to be circling the drain. My mom and my uncle are going to drive to Georgia and meet up with my other aunt and uncle and go visit him in the hospital to say their goodbyes. I'd love to be able to go and see him again and say goodbye but I just cant with my current financial situation. It's bad. I don't feel as sad I probably should, but things rarely make me cry these days. I feel like my heart has been hardened through enough adversity that it would take something drastic for me to shed an emotional tear. 

As much as I try and try to get women interested in me I never succeed. I really should just give up and not give a fuck. I've been "waiting" for damn near 30 fucking years, there's only so much time I can wait. I've made a lot of terrible decisions in my life and I am the ONLY one who has to pay for them. As such, I am dealing with my penance or whatever right now. 

I made this bed so I'm fucking laying down in it. 

I future endeavored Niki. She had a lot of cons anyway, but I wish it would have gone a different way. My anger will continue to force me to make a lot of terrible decisions. I need to figure out a way to vent. 

Tonight is the first time it has snowed since I've been here. Really awesome. The only downside is that it might cause me to miss work. I hope not though. I need the hours, like crazy. I hate being poor. But yet I can't seem to motivate myself enough to really hunker down and study my ass off for the ICND2 exam. I hate myself. I genuinely do. 

I have to remember to put my "happy" mask on in public more. I keep forgetting. 

-M 

The sad state of things

It's funny when someone who claims to be your friend tries to be an armchair psychiatrist whilst talking to you. If you don't know the facts, don't make shit up. That's not how it works. You are not helping, just annoying. Period. 

All the good intention in the world doesn't amount to anything if you aren't up to speed on the situation and are just talking out of your ass. I would call you out on this to your face, but we aren't in the same state anymore. 

*le sigh* Let me back up and give some perspective. 


This friend asked me how things were going and I responded truthfully.

Terribad. Trying not to think about it though. Hope you are continuing to do well.

 This was obviously not good enough for her. She wanted to lecture me about things. Things she knows nothing about. 

It really got me thinking. It's pretty sad when someone with an incurable disease can find someone to care about them and I can't. I mean real talk I might have an incurable disease as well, but I don't know about it. The point is that she knows and informed the guy and he doesn't care. Charlie Sheen would refer to this as "winning" if that reference isn't already completely dated. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying my damndest to make something happen one way or the other and not achieving anything. Ugh. It kinda sucks. 

Life didn't used to be such a failure. At some point I lost my way. I'm hoping I will be able to get back on the straight and narrow, but I'm not going to hold my breath. You know, just in case. 

In other news, lots of "awwwz" were had because of this gif of Kaitlyn and AJ Lee. 

I love AJ and actually had a dream where I met her. It was amazeballs and I am disappointed it didn't actually happen. 

Well that's it for now. 

-M

Not home for Christmas

I am writing this from a tablet that I received for Christmas from my brother. It is really cool. Also I am currently in New Been with the roommate and his girlfriend and friend. It has been a weird but actually decent Christmas.

Right now I am suffering the effects of binging on carbs and sugar for days, so I feel like crap. After being in Ketosis for so long, cheating really really hurts. I have a headache, stomach ache, and feel tired as hell.

Christmas itself was fairly great, a lot of unexpected but welcomed gifts...that I'm not sure entirely deserve. But I can't exactly give them back. I suppose I could, but yeah that would be terribad.

As 2013 draws to a close I can't help but hope for a better year next year. I got in way over my head with the whole Niki thing. I think I'm going to base my future mate expectations on the mother from 'A Christmas Story' because she is all around awesome.

I dunno, I understand that a career should be my most important focus right now, but my loneliness is practically crippling. Gah. I should probably lower my expectations or something.

Guess that's it for now.

Merry Christmas.

-M

Where things stand now vs. How They Were

For someone so adamant about being honest and truthful, the lies sure did start to pile up. The girl I mentioned in the previous blog entry, Niki, claimed to be all about honesty and whatnot. But let me explain what she is really about. 

The short version is that she played me. 

Here's the extended edition:

She really did flip flop from "you're not in the friendzone" to just wanting to be friends very fast. That should have been red flag #1 for me. But nope, I didn't even contemplate that she had a grander scheme in mind. So we continued talking, as friends, or whatever. Eventually we decided that we should be friends with benefits and so we were going to work on making the benefits part of it happen. On the only two days a week we have to make it happen, she came up with excuses. They were varied and never the same, but yet they were excuses nonetheless. Naive as I am, I believed her. I guess the loneliness built up inside of me was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, so a week passes without anything other than flirting via texts and suddenly I get some strange text messages from her:

"He's pretty kick ass."

and

"Thanks for introducing us- I'm glad you were ok with that."

Say what now? Needless to say, I'm upset by these. She makes up the excuse that she was talking about a "bass player" from "a friend's band" that she was stealing for a 'jam session' on the weekend. That should have been another red flag. But nope, stupid me believed her. I feel for that one hook line and sinker. What really threw me for the loop is that she made it seem like it was legit and that she genuinely felt bad, even though I know now that she's a damn liar. I don't see how anyone could throw around the word "babe" without any sort of emotional attachment, yet that's exactly what she did. I digress. 

We go about our daily routine of occasionally texting when on monday she's like, "hey are you home? can i call?" and I tell her yes to both. On the phone she tells me that since she's going to be moving back home to Virginia that she met up with an old ex-boyfriend and he wanted to take her out to dinner and she was trying to see if I was okay with that. I tried to explain to her that I have no saying over what she wants to do, we aren't exclusive or anything. So of course she is thrilled that she gets to meet up with this guy or whatever. It's all a load of shit that I shouldn't even be dealing with. IF THE FUCKING BITCH HAD JUST SAID, 'HEY I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE, THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE' I'D BE PERFECTLY FINE. But no. I didn't get that courtesy. I got lead around by a leash (albeit of mostly my own doing) and fell for every fucking word.

I've never been the type of guy who condoned or even understood cheating. But now? Now that I know just how evil and manipulative women can be, I have no qualms about it anymore. 

In other news, I had a job screening the other day that I think I completely blew. I hope I'm wrong and that I end up getting an interview and the job, but I sincerely doubt it. I really need to concentrate more on thinking before speaking. Its a bad habit that I need to kick. Ugh.

I wanted to write more but I have to get ready for work. More later possibly.

-M

'And then its' over just as quickly as it began...'

I was talking to a girl named Niki. She liked me. At least thats what she had me believe. There were cons to her from the beginning (which should have stopped me) but I chose to ignore them for the sake of potential happiness. She vehemently told me "you're not in the friendzone" last week. Yesterday she hit me with this one: "I really REALLY like you...we should just be friends." Are you kidding me? Make up your fucking mind bitch. I am used to being friendzoned, but when you say Im not and then put me there anyway Im gonna be fucking pissed. Now shes trying to be ny friend or whatever. Ugh. This will not end well. Lose 50lbs and STILL not date-able. I guess my personality is really just that shitty.

Coming out of the woodwork

 It's really funny to me how some of my friends don't seem to give a shit about saying/doing anything to/for me until someone else starts getting attention. I recently posted on facebook about some mail I received from my "nephew" and my friend replied: 

" I love those drawings! I remember seeing them sitting on the kitchen table a few weeks ago. I still have those Warframe things from PAX to send you! I couldn't get any autographs at Comic-Con though. Everyone you'd care for already left by the time we got there."

Riiiiight. If you gave any sort of shits, you would have made it to comic-con early. And the warframe stuff took no effort, so don't act like that was such a burden on you. But its whatevs. I will attempt to be the nice guy regardless because one day the situation might be reversed (but I doubt it). 

I wanted to say more but I have to get ready for work. Later.

-M

It's a Start

So I am now a CCENT, or CCENT certified. Whatevs. Not sure if I will be able to get out of restaurants with just this certification, but I hope so. I'm tired of all the restaurant bullshit.

I think Im going to have a hard time, with no experience and all. Maybe I can find an unpaid internship or something. The sooner Im out of cooking, the better.

On a different note, I think its funny that she wants me now. Now that she is potentially in the worst situation of her life (practically used up), she would be willing to settle down with me. Kinda BS if you think about it, considering that she was my first option and now Im her last. Im only entertaining the idea because Im so fucking lonely here. I might as well be in Siberia for fucks sake.

So I saw D____la on someone's facebook page. It was nice to see her, if even in pictures. It looks like she is doing well. I will never forget the good times, even though they were only at work. Lol. I added her as a friend, but Im sure her douche-weed baby daddy will deny me. Whatever. I just mainly wanted her to know that I was thinking about her.

I guess thats it for now.

-M