She is either too dumb to realize that she is fucking things up, or she knows exactly what is going on and is playing me like a fiddle. I want to give her a lot of credit and say it's probably the last part. But honest, I don't think it is. It took me a while but I finally realize that she has hella tunnel vision. Major even. Like, 'Disregard everything else to focus on whatever' style. There were signs of this previously, but I guess I had my own tunnel vision going on. I was so wrapped up in the fact that this girl liked me, that I overlooked some HUGE red flags. I know that you should never try and change someone, but I supposed I was naive enough to think that she would change herself without my intervention. But, I'm gonna let Dr. Cox tell you guys what I was:
Yep. That about sums it up. Here I was, thinking that well if I text her she will text me back. Nope. She didn't even text me back today. At all. I'm gonna not text her until wednesday. If she doesn't text me I'm breaking it off with her. It's gonna suck, but I guess I can re-buy my Hellsing dvds. **le sigh** Fucking bitch. I can't believe she is doing this to me. She said she really liked me. Some way of showing it. Fuck. I really need to stop with the craigslist thing. The people are too fucking weird. I just need to focus on okcupid or pay the fucking money for match [dot] com. Gonna get ready for bed. This weekend was a complete waste. Utterly and totally. Thanks for nothing cunt. -M
I didn't think it was possible to feel alone when you are 'with' someone. Granted the person is not physically near me, but still. When you take the step of going from just getting to know someone to making them your significant other you expect things to go to another level. I'm not even talking physically. The fact that my 'girlfriend' doesn't communicate with me says a lot about her. I texted her about it and she admitted that it was her fault, yet she has done nothing to remedy the situation. I didn't text her yesterday and she didn't text me either. Pretty much what I figured would happen. I imagined that she wouldn't text me today either so I broke down and texted her. She responded, but only enough to show me that she was alive. I think I need to set an ultimatum or something. I need to be strong enough to not text her first. And just let it play out. See what she does. I can't be the one texting her first all of the time. A relationship is supposed to be a 2 way street, but right now I'm the only one metaphorically driving. And I'm getting really, REALLY fucking tired of it. I didn't think things would sour this fast, but it just boggles my mind. It really does. How can you be in a relationship with someone without communicating with them? You can't. That should really say all that needs to be said regarding what she thinks about us. It's a good thing I didn't do anything stupid like deleting my okcupid profile or anything. That would have been a bitch to recreate. Its not like I've ever had any luck with it anyway though. Like 40 messages sent with like 2 positive responses. That's a terrible ratio. Managers/Coaches/Players etc. have been fired for better ratios than that. Jeezus. I fucked up bad on this GF thing though. Once I get my hellsing DVDs I am out. That's another mistake. I will never let anyone borrow them again, provided I get them back. I finished my last beer that had been sitting in the fridge from February. A 'Killian's Irish Red' that I love so much. From now on, back on the keto bandwagon. Seriously again. Fuck sweets. Fuck carbs. I need to get back down to like 180 or less. Now that I'm running it shouldn't be too difficult once I get back into Ketosis. Motivation is a powerful thing. Motherfuckers won't see me coming. Believe that. When I finally do make it back to San Antonio I'm going to be a japanese speaking, guitar playing in shape dude. I want people to say 'Wow' outloud. I want them to wonder what the hell happened. And that's when I will respond "Motivation Motherfuckers." Stop being content. Challenge the status quo. Make a difference, not excuses. The only reason I didn't run this morning was because I had to wash clothes. Tomorrow I'm running again. I should probably get to sleep if I'm going to get up at 5:30. Hooray for responsibility, bitch. -M
As happy as I am, I think I might have made a mistake. I have a girlfriend now. I use that term loosely however. She is bad at communication. Scratch that, not bad. TERRIBLE. Horrible even. I don’t know her way of thinking, but I feel like if I try to mention something about it to her that she will say something irrelevant. I was in such a rush to be with someone that I didn’t take the time to get to know her. Granted I noticed her lack of communication before (as noted in my previous entry), but I thought it would change once we got together. It hasn’t. My heart is hurting, literally. I don't think it's because of her. I'm fairly certain it's because I started running. Maybe I’m going to pass away soon. It might be fitting that once I'm finally starting to have a decent life that it's taken from me. I was afraid to live for so long that I made mistakes that I shouldn't have made. I'm probably paying for it now. Figures that when I make a concentrated effort to improve my situation that something comes along and says 'NO.'
Now I feel weird in the head. I wish I were more articulate and could describe in detail how I am feeling. But alas, I am stuck making mere generalizations rather than descriptions. I gave in and texted her thanks to a female friend encouraging me to do so. What has been the result? Nothing. Nada. I'm going to go and see Godzilla tonight with random people I met on meetup.com so hopefully I don't get killed. lolz. -M
