Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I went out to the country bar...AGAIN. Was the outcome different? Not a damn chance. I am insane. Absolutely, retardedly, insane. 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Google it. People think it is attributed to Einstein. I don't think that is the case, but it sounds good anyway. 

So I went to the bar because friend #1 originally said, "Oh that girl you like TOLD ME to invite you." Cool, I should probably go. Then as the day rolls around, I start to feel like I shouldn't go. Suddenly friend #1 says, "Oh if you don't go, that girl will have to pay for a cab home because I'm not leaving there early. I'm gonna be with my other friends as well!"

Talk about putting a guy on the spot. In order to not be seen as an asshole, I decide to go even though by this point I am thoroughly convinced it is a bad idea. 

What ends up happening? Girl I like is a brick wall. A brick. Fucking. Wall. 

Can't talk to her for shit. After a few drinks she FINALLY opens up about how the other two girls that friend #1 brought weren't part of the plan and sprung on her last minute. I can see how that would upset her, so I'm not too bothered by her being mad anymore. But remember the whole thing about me giving her a ride home? Well she didn't seem to keen on the idea. When I decided to split at 1am, she decided to stay and would go home with friend #1.

Oh.My.Fucking.God. Why did I even go in the first place????

This is why the title of this entry is what it is. I am such a fool. I should have followed my instincts and not gone. Life lesson: ALWAYS trust your instincts.

-M 

Why do I even try?

Last night I went out to a country bar. The collective gasp that echos from anyone that knows me is probably really loud right about now. I can't stand country music. I can only tolerate about 3 songs total, and that's it....so why in HELL would I go to a country bar? Because a friend was introducing me to another friend in the hopes of setting us up. I should have known that it was too good to be true.

I should have just went over and played WWE '12 like the original plan. But I had to let that stupid thing called "hope" have a chance. So I went to this place to meet the friend of my friend. She was amazing, no doubt. Did I have delusions of a potential future? Yes. Should I have? Of course not. 


The same story over and over. History repeating, if you will. 

Apparently the friend's friend just got out of a 2 year relationship and isn't interested in dating. I KNEW I shouldn't have gone out. I fucking knew it. But yet I keep thinking that someday something good will happen in my life. I have no idea why I keep thinking this, but I do. Maybe I've seen too many television shows and movies that have happy endings to think that my own life could really be this shitty and that something good *fingerscrossed* "could" happen to me. Bullshit. I'm so disappointed in myself. *le sigh*

Anyway,

Today I noticed an "ouch that hurts" pain on the right side of my chest, right underneath my breast. I have no fucking clue why it hurts, but it does. Only to the touch, but still. How long has it been like that? I'm telling you...something is going to give sooner rather than later. :(

Well, I work early in the morning so I'm probably going to go and do something else unproductive until I decide to go to sleep. 

Drawing Closer to the End (jumping around as I write)

With each passing day it feels like the I am getting closer to the end. It is getting more difficult to sleep each night and the pain is the hardest to ignore it has ever been. 

Right at this moment I have a pain in my back, shoulders and off and on in my chest. If I remember correctly, most of this has been occurring since 2008 but back then it was less frequent and easy to ignore. It would appear that whatever is ailing me has started to take the battle seriously and now has the upperhand. Well, when I am back at my 2nd job I am going to sign up for health insurance as soon as I can and take my ass to the doctor. Not sure when that will actually happen, or if it will be too late, but that is my intent no less. 

I was supposed to have a "date" last sunday with a girl that one of my friends said "only wanted a man who would treat her right." Well if that's all she wanted, I was definitely the man for the job. Well it turns out the whole reason she told my friend that is because she thought she was going to break up with her boyfriend. That did not end up transpiring, and thus she decided to give the lame excuse of not being able to go because she "forgot it was her friend's birthday." I only found out about the boyfriend thing because my friend told me that after we had been drinking. I'm sure he would have rather not said anything, but it is better to know the truth than be left in the dark about something like that. It sucks too because I posted something about the date on facebook and people seemed to be genuinely excited for me. Oh well. I should realize that at this point in time it is basically "too late" for me to meet anyone. The illness has a hold on me anyway, so I would only be letting the other person into my life to have it cut short in the future. Meh. Still, for some reason I try and hold on to hope. It's futile and stupid, but still I try. 

I remain in the funk that I've been in since the start of this year. I felt like I almost made progress with _ _ _ _ _ _ but then my dad's heart attack went and messed everything up. Instead of having dinner with her (that she was cooking no less) and then going to a party with her and my friends I ended up spending most of the night in the hospital. *le sigh* Driving to the hospital I actually passed her place and thought about going to get her, but I decided that it would be too weird. Maybe I should have. Maybe she could have meet my amazing family and seen a different side of me. Who knows? Certainly not me. I wish a lot of things in my life had turned out differently, but this is most recent "folly" that I wish I could go back and undo. Ugh, I fail at life so hard. 

After the date fiasco, I have been pretty silent on facebook. I finally updated my status today to say "having a blast" because I thought it important to put on an air of happiness or normalcy. Was I really having a blast? FUCK no. Far from it. Opposite even. But I need to let people think that I wasn't as affected by it as I really am. Why? Because I don't want to be pitied or empathized with anymore. All I do is talk shit or complain, it just took me this long to realize it. So I will put on a facade of happiness in public and on facebook but still be this empty shell of a person in my real life and in private. 

As sad as it sounds, I am happiest when I am at work and close to her. The quote that most resembles how I feel about her is from Blink182 (and I'm sure I already posted it but whatevs) and it goes: "When you smile, I melt inside. I'm not worthy of a minute of your time. I really wish it was only me and you, I'm jealous of everybody in the room." 

This update seems jumbled to me. It might be because I am listening to dubstep. Or it could be that I'm not at work so my thoughts aren't as coherent as normal. Meh. 

As I write this certain members of my group are eating dinner together and will probably hang out at HIS apartment. I would be there but I am completely broke at this moment. Truth be told I would rather not leave my apartment, but if I had the money then why not? Beats sitting here and writing this blog that no one reads. 

Am I writing my autobiography? Or my obituary? Weird to think about.

-M