Snowing Outside, but it can't get any colder inside

Going back through my old posts and I found one from around this time last year. It was at this point in time that I didn't have any idea that I would be moving to North Carolina. It felt weird looking back on it because as much as things actually DID end up changing in 2013, not everything has been positive.

My grandfather appears to be circling the drain. My mom and my uncle are going to drive to Georgia and meet up with my other aunt and uncle and go visit him in the hospital to say their goodbyes. I'd love to be able to go and see him again and say goodbye but I just cant with my current financial situation. It's bad. I don't feel as sad I probably should, but things rarely make me cry these days. I feel like my heart has been hardened through enough adversity that it would take something drastic for me to shed an emotional tear. 

As much as I try and try to get women interested in me I never succeed. I really should just give up and not give a fuck. I've been "waiting" for damn near 30 fucking years, there's only so much time I can wait. I've made a lot of terrible decisions in my life and I am the ONLY one who has to pay for them. As such, I am dealing with my penance or whatever right now. 

I made this bed so I'm fucking laying down in it. 

I future endeavored Niki. She had a lot of cons anyway, but I wish it would have gone a different way. My anger will continue to force me to make a lot of terrible decisions. I need to figure out a way to vent. 

Tonight is the first time it has snowed since I've been here. Really awesome. The only downside is that it might cause me to miss work. I hope not though. I need the hours, like crazy. I hate being poor. But yet I can't seem to motivate myself enough to really hunker down and study my ass off for the ICND2 exam. I hate myself. I genuinely do. 

I have to remember to put my "happy" mask on in public more. I keep forgetting. 

-M 

The sad state of things

It's funny when someone who claims to be your friend tries to be an armchair psychiatrist whilst talking to you. If you don't know the facts, don't make shit up. That's not how it works. You are not helping, just annoying. Period. 

All the good intention in the world doesn't amount to anything if you aren't up to speed on the situation and are just talking out of your ass. I would call you out on this to your face, but we aren't in the same state anymore. 

*le sigh* Let me back up and give some perspective. 


This friend asked me how things were going and I responded truthfully.

Terribad. Trying not to think about it though. Hope you are continuing to do well.

 This was obviously not good enough for her. She wanted to lecture me about things. Things she knows nothing about. 

It really got me thinking. It's pretty sad when someone with an incurable disease can find someone to care about them and I can't. I mean real talk I might have an incurable disease as well, but I don't know about it. The point is that she knows and informed the guy and he doesn't care. Charlie Sheen would refer to this as "winning" if that reference isn't already completely dated. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying my damndest to make something happen one way or the other and not achieving anything. Ugh. It kinda sucks. 

Life didn't used to be such a failure. At some point I lost my way. I'm hoping I will be able to get back on the straight and narrow, but I'm not going to hold my breath. You know, just in case. 

In other news, lots of "awwwz" were had because of this gif of Kaitlyn and AJ Lee. 

I love AJ and actually had a dream where I met her. It was amazeballs and I am disappointed it didn't actually happen. 

Well that's it for now. 

-M