Incessant Ramblings - Part 1

I'm torn. I know that I HAVE to be alone because of the bad choices I have made in my life up to this point and yet I still absolutely want to be with someone. It sucks because pretty much every single movie/tv show boils down to a relationship of some kind. Even ones where the main character talks to animals or insects or "god" or whatever. There are no shows or tvs that consist of one person being alone. And do you know why? Because that's fucking boring. No one would watch that! Just like no one should have to live it. And yet, here I am.

Every single day I exist is just another day that makes things worse. Case in point: the other day I noticed that my front teeth are slowly pushing inward. That's going to leave me looking ugly as sin. I'm fairly certain it is because I haven't had my wisdom teeth removed, but I haven't been to a Dentist in like 15 fucking years. If I go now, they'd have a field day. I already have seen how fucked up my teeth are in general. I've had dreams where they have all fallen out and that dream is probably going to be a reality. I should have taken better care of my teeth as well. I should have taken better care of my body in general. I had no real respect for myself. Still don't I guess.

This girl I matched with on Tinder that I tried to be friends with removed me from Facebook. Well fuck you too bitch. I tried to be YOUR friend. I didn't get any goddamn reciprocation. My Star Wars tattoo says "choose wisely" and you obviously chose the "I'm going to be a fucking bitch" side, which has led me to the dark side. I keep it Sith, 100%.

I deleted tinder, disabled my OKCupid account and all of that shit. I know that I need to be solo and so I'm not trying to even give it a chance.

I stopped at a Gas station earlier today to pick up some soda and the cashier was very friendly. She had gauges in her ears and some sort of awesome tattoo on her arm. I wish I had a chance to talk to her about the tattoo though. I really am interested in them now.

More later maybe.

-M

Still Uncertain

Not much has changed since my last update almost a month ago. I still feel the same way, if not worse. When I am at work and have time to think, I dream up all of these plans and ideas to do once I get home. After I am home I disregard all of it and go back to doing the same fucking thing I've been doing; absolutely nothing. Hell writing this update is probably the most 'productive' I have been in a while. I don't understand it. This has to be depression.

Last night I decided I wanted to drink beer...and so I proceeded to buy and drink a whole six pack in the span of about and hour and a half. I felt sick after the 6th one, but I didn't throw up. I feel like I use too many goddamn commas as well. Whatever.

My friend Rachel has been texting me periodically and I snapped at her the other day for no real reason. I already feel very alone and like I don't have people I can confide in anymore so I definitely should not have done that. I apologized to her but she said that it wasn't anything to apologize over and such. Okay. I need to shake all of the nonsense holding me down/back but I can't see/imagine how I am going to.

Even looking for friends has not panned out. I mean I could go to a meetup or two, but I just haven't. Been super lazy. Bleh. I need some sort of outlet for everything that I am feeling. Pain/frustration/loneliness/etc.

What sucks the most is that I put myself into this position. I have made terrible mistakes and have too much emotional baggage. I'm also not in a great position financially. All of that is why I can't be with someone. All I ever wanted was to have a wife, kids, house, etc. Typical american family type of shit. Instead my fear of dying alone has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fucking goddamn it.

It's probably better this way, that I go it alone. But damn if it doesn't hurt and feel like the worst pain imaginable.

Some people are trying to have a spouse AND someone on the side, while others (like me) can't even seem to get ONE person. Its goddamn unfair and I hate those greedy motherfuckers.

Meh.

I'm starting to get tired so I'm going to end this post now.

-M