Still Uncertain

Not much has changed since my last update almost a month ago. I still feel the same way, if not worse. When I am at work and have time to think, I dream up all of these plans and ideas to do once I get home. After I am home I disregard all of it and go back to doing the same fucking thing I've been doing; absolutely nothing. Hell writing this update is probably the most 'productive' I have been in a while. I don't understand it. This has to be depression.

Last night I decided I wanted to drink beer...and so I proceeded to buy and drink a whole six pack in the span of about and hour and a half. I felt sick after the 6th one, but I didn't throw up. I feel like I use too many goddamn commas as well. Whatever.

My friend Rachel has been texting me periodically and I snapped at her the other day for no real reason. I already feel very alone and like I don't have people I can confide in anymore so I definitely should not have done that. I apologized to her but she said that it wasn't anything to apologize over and such. Okay. I need to shake all of the nonsense holding me down/back but I can't see/imagine how I am going to.

Even looking for friends has not panned out. I mean I could go to a meetup or two, but I just haven't. Been super lazy. Bleh. I need some sort of outlet for everything that I am feeling. Pain/frustration/loneliness/etc.

What sucks the most is that I put myself into this position. I have made terrible mistakes and have too much emotional baggage. I'm also not in a great position financially. All of that is why I can't be with someone. All I ever wanted was to have a wife, kids, house, etc. Typical american family type of shit. Instead my fear of dying alone has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fucking goddamn it.

It's probably better this way, that I go it alone. But damn if it doesn't hurt and feel like the worst pain imaginable.

Some people are trying to have a spouse AND someone on the side, while others (like me) can't even seem to get ONE person. Its goddamn unfair and I hate those greedy motherfuckers.

Meh.

I'm starting to get tired so I'm going to end this post now.

-M

'And then its' over just as quickly as it began...'

I was talking to a girl named Niki. She liked me. At least thats what she had me believe. There were cons to her from the beginning (which should have stopped me) but I chose to ignore them for the sake of potential happiness. She vehemently told me "you're not in the friendzone" last week. Yesterday she hit me with this one: "I really REALLY like you...we should just be friends." Are you kidding me? Make up your fucking mind bitch. I am used to being friendzoned, but when you say Im not and then put me there anyway Im gonna be fucking pissed. Now shes trying to be ny friend or whatever. Ugh. This will not end well. Lose 50lbs and STILL not date-able. I guess my personality is really just that shitty.

Drifting on through...

Listening to "The Megas" Inspired This

I know I said that maybe this time I will check in with good news. I have none. Are you actually surprised though? I doubt it. Okay well I take that back. I have a small bit of good news. I have a week off from hell, which started yesterday and is already going by super fast. I hope I manage to accomplish something. (Don't bet on it though.)

In the lady front, no news. Had a bit of awkwardness last week at a party when a friend's girlfriend told a different mutual friend to tell me that she "misses" me. Not sure if the friend knows his girlfriend said that or whatever so I didn't even bother to bring it up. Not entirely sure how I feel about it. If for some strange reason she liked me and he was actually cool with letting her pursue that interest I know nothing would come from it. This is going to sound like 'the pot calling the kettle black' but goddamn is she fucking weird. lol. I know everyone else in the group says they like her, but she gets on my nerves like 95% of the time. But that's neither here nor there. 

I haven't run in a while. I need to get back on it. I've already slipped back into my old habit of not continuing something that I started. This is what scares me about the business ideas that I have/had. I grow tired of shit too easily. One of the many reasons I haven't gotten a tattoo. 

I didn't get to see my crush at all this past weekend. I only worked on friday and then went to Ren Fest on saturday and didn't work on sunday either. I won't see her until Thanksgiving. Hopefully she hasn't forgotten about me. lol.

I wanted to start making bead sprites with the intent of selling them on etsy, but I don't think I'm going to. Might be too much of an initial investment. I actually don't know though. 

Guess that's it for now. Gotta get ready for a geekfest with the fellas. Until whenever.

-M

"HOW MANY FRIENDS CAN I LOSE, BEFORE IT ALL MAKES SENSE?"