Always I have these grand schemes about doing things and being productive. I decide that I want to not waste time and all this....but sure enough, time is wasted. I'm such a lazy bastard. And that's not a "haha he is making fun of himself" thing. It's a "seriously what a motherfucking piece of garbage" thing. Gah. I don't know what is wrong with me. I go from wanting to work out and lose weight and all this to just saying FUCK IT and not caring.
I fluctuate from wanting to live my life to the fullest and then resigning myself to the fate that I have assigned myself. I feel worse than I have in a while in regard to whatever the fuck is bothering me. I go from wanting to be relieved of my torture on this planet, to wishing for eternal happiness. This, THIS is why I have yet to get a tattoo. I have no earthly IDEA what the hell I would put on my body that I wouldn't get absolutely sick of. Doubt it will ever happen.
The only thing that even comes to mind is something Funeral for a Friend related. The Isaac told me "You don't actually love FFAF, you love the idea of FFAF" to which I replied that he was full of shit. FFAF fucking rules and I will say/defend that idea until the day I pass....however soon that actually occurs.
I can say without a shred of doubt that I now love my crush at work. She is aware of the fact that I like her, but I don't think she knows I love her. Her smile, her eyes, her hair, her voice. I love all of it. I want to just hug her and never EVER let go. I know that will never happen. She and I are not meant to be. The only way she would leave her situation is if I could take care of her, and that isn't the case at the moment. I know she would work, don't get me wrong. She is a damn hard worker, I've seen it. But the fact that she is essentially providing for herself, her son and her lazy douche-hat of a boyfriend tells me that I would have to offer her something substantial to get her to leave that situation. And I'm in no position to do so. The song "Something I can Never Have" is an accurate description of how I feel about it.
I've been watching season 8 of Scrubs and tearing up. It is rare for me to cry about things in real life, but I have no problem crying with characters on tv or in movies that I have grown attached to. I guess seeing characters on TV being happy in relationships makes me emotional due to my own loneliness. Even the other single girl in our group is talking to someone now. Aside from the other single guy's retardedness (he could have had the single girl if he wanted), I'm the only one struggling with meeting and finding someone. I feel lonely and pathetic. I put up ads on craigslist and get some decent responses but then things either fizzle out completely or I send pics and then they don't say SHIT after that. I have to learn to accept the fact that I am an ugly, overweight slob, who can't even get girls on craigslist, fucking CRAIGSLIST interested in him. *le sigh*
Worthless. And yet I can't say anything about it because then I'm being "too emo" and my complaining is "very annoying" to people. Whatever. That's what this is for. This blog is my journal/diary/therapist. (Not "A-nal-rapist" though. I'm watching you Tobias.)
I like how only me or someone as nerdy as me would fully understand my blog. That works for me. Whatevs.
This has gone all over the place so I will just stop here. Until next time.
-M
