Remember Stutterfly? I just did today.

This will probably end up shorter than it needs to be...that's what happens when you think about writing all day at work and then come home and are tired/lazy/uninspired to write. And to think, I wanted to be a writer when I was younger. lmao.

I spent about an hour or so at work today thinking up a facebook status. Let me try to recall what I had managed to come up with...

I used to think that I had a way with words. Not that I was ever a very confident speaker, or articulate at all. No, I thought I had "it" when it came to writing sentences. But like most positive traits that I believed I possessed for a long time, I was wrong. Whatever the present circumstances of my writing may be, I will attempt to explain what the hell is going on with me. I know that I have been a terrible friend the past few years. Even more so within the past year, but that shouldn't need explanation. Every single day is a struggle. I work tirelessly to combat these dark and depressing thoughts that creep into my head. If anyone actually knew what I was thinking at any given time, they would be appalled. I know I am, when they somehow make their way to the surface. I try my best to distract myself with any sort of media I can get my hands/eyes/ears on such as music, movies, games. And yet, sadly the menial work that I do 5 days out of the week gives me lots of time to be alone with my thoughts. Even if I try to focus on the task at hand I find myself slipping away from the present into the darkness since I am so adept at doing what I need to do that the work is effortless. I know I need help but my stubbornness prevents me from seeking it. I may not have spoken to a lot of you recently or at all within the past year, but know that I have absolutely thought of you. Yes you, reading this. Every single one of my friends from Texas to North Carolina to every other place that I know someone! My anxiety of accidentally revealing my madness prevents me from reaching out. Even in social situations I have the most guard up that I probably ever have. And to that end, I try and isolate myself from social situations altogether. Granted, I make an appearance here and there but I mostly keep to myself. I am not even trying to resolve my singledom. Anyone that truly knows me knows that all I have ever really wanted out of life was a wife and kids. The whole "white picket fence" type of deal. But I have made piss pour decisions and know that I am now destined to be alone. It took forever for me to realize that as I tried again and again to tempt fate only to be bested by this superior force. No more attempt shall be made. I have resigned myself to my solitude. I mean, I would love to have someone to share everything with. All of myself, my life, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, etc. But how can I possibly ask someone to embrace the broken man that I am today? It would be irresponsible and just plain wrong. I don't foresee any sort of "fix" for this, so instead I accept what has happened. Everyone who was a part of my tragedy had someone else (my mom had my dad, my sister-in-law had my niece) except for me. I have no one. I am totally alone. The way fate has deemed it. The way things were meant to be.   

But I didn't post that. I know that most people would only see it as a cry for help instead of an explanation. I'm not trying to get pity. I've received enough of that to last a lifetime.

Until next time...

-M