The Short Answer is: No, it Didn't Mean Anything

I didn't talk directly to my crush today, but I did talk to another server who she is friends with. I mentioned what my crush said and the friend said, "Oh yeah she told me about that. She said that she realized after she said it that she probably gave you high hopes or something."

Indeed, I did have high hopes. I knew it was nothing really, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering 'What If?' 

Also, I know that I really don't mean anything to my crush because she didn't tell me bye when she left today. Which has happened more than once. Obviously I don't mean anything because I'm not on her mind. I'm not on her mind, whereas she is on my mind and in my heart. *le sigh*

Off to job number 2 I go.

-M

P.S. I don't know what the hell happened with the formatting on that last entry. I'm gonna go back later and try to fix it. 

I Could Never Be The Hero; My Fate is Intertwined With Villainy

In my last entry you were made aware that things were happening in my life. But things have changed already...

So the girl I have waited 7 years for, has changed her mind. It was that quick. We didn't even do anything. She just came to the realization that she hated all of my friends (and they her) and so it wouldn't work out. Can't argue there. Especially when I tried to honestly think about how it would be and came to the conclusion that she parties way too hard. That's not the type of woman I want. 

Speaking of the type of woman I DO want....my crush at work said something on friday that made my heart melt. It was absolutely touching. I had gotten into it with another server and told my crush about it. Apparently she went and told the other server "What did you do to MY Matthew?" *swoons* Can you believe it? I haven't been called someone's anything in a long time. I don't even know the story or meaning behind it or anything. She is being real coy. I was planning on asking her yesterday when she got off of work, but she left in a real hurry. Not sure if it was because she was tired or because people were teasing her about it. If it was the teasing I'm gonna be pissed. Why can't a girl like me? It's not like I've spent the last 2 years flirting with her and getting to know her as much as I can. Fuck. If people are teasing her for having feelings for me I honestly think I am going to lose my shit. Fuck people for that. *le sigh*

I don't know. I mean it's not like she is going to leave her boyfriend for me or anything. And it’s not like I am in any position to take care of her and her son in the really unlikely scenario that she does. *le sigh*

According to my parents we might end up staying in SA. I have some decisions to make, but I think I might still end up in North Carolina, should my friend be okay with it.  

I guess that’s it for now.

-M

Life's Finally Happening...a little too late

It would appear that I am on my way out of San Antonio. It's not a foregone conclusion, yet. But it does appear that way. My parents' house is about to be foreclosed on and I don't have the money to take over the lease/mortgage or whatever. 

I talked to one of my friends (he's probably my best friend, but I'm not sure if he would classify me in the same way) about staying with him....in North Carolina. He's down. I think a change of scenery might do me some good. Lord knows the bitches here in SA don't know what they are missing in regards to me. lol. 

Speaking of....she's finally come around. The woman that I have liked for a long time finally thinks of me in a romantic sense. I've ruined friendships for this woman. I've waited and waited and waited. And now, NOW, at all periods in my life for this to happen, she finally tells me that she feels like we have Chemistry. *le sigh*

It's all too much. How am I supposed to make all of these potentially life changing decisions? And in less than 2 weeks?? Oh.My.God. I don't know. I just don't know...


I have to head to work. Confused as hell. 

-M

I have this condition.....I've told you this before haven't I?

"Only every time I see ya!"

From Memento, one of the best films ever. And this was before everyone was on Christopher Nolan's nuts because of Batman. 

Anyway, I was wondering if I might be crazy. Like, need to see a shrink style crazy. Obviously I'm not physically hurting myself or anyone else but I have such a problem with life. As I have noted in this blog before, I have a problem with going from wanting to live and get the most out of life, to just wanting whatever the hell it is that is bothering me to just take me out. And I flip flop on this issue on a whim. Recently my stance was that I wanted to better myself and make a great life, but being so fucking tired all the time pretty much made that impossible. I TRIED, I honestly gave it a shot but I came away with nothing. Just yesterday I thought to myself, "Fuck it. Just kill me already." I'm not talking suicide or about taking my own life, but since I've disregarded whatever the hell disease/condition I have that has been bothering me since at least 2008, I am talking about that killing me. 

I found out the girl I've been texting and stuff is only 22. I don't know why I thought she was 24, but the fact that she didn't understand a lot of my references now makes sense. She asked me if it was a problem and I told her no. I mean she wouldn't even be the youngest person in the group were we to progress to that point. She invited me to something on March 16th, but then told me that we have to meet in person first....and proceeded to not make any plans for that. *le sigh* I know she is nervous, (she told me so) but I don't have scales or a tail or something. She really needs to just get it over with. Meh.

Oh so my latest scheme? Gonna try and learn to draw, in the hopes that I can become a web-comic. lololol. Good luck with THAT! I'm stupid.

-M