What is it even?

My mind went blank as I started to write this. I think it had something to do with women as always. Not positive though.

I'm washing clothes. Yay! /sarcasm

Things are returning to the way they were 'pre-NC' and I'm just shrugging. I can't do it alone, and yet that is how I've been trying. Everyone is getting married or having kids or at least in a relationship and then there's me: not doing anything. Maybe I should have stuck with Edith. *shrugs*

I've sorta given up trying as well. I haven't deleted OKC yet though. I need to get on that.

-M

Dream a little dream

I had a dream about my crush from my previous job last night. I thought I had managed to remove her from my mind since I was never going to see her again (theoretically). But I guess my subconscious still isn't over her. I can't blame it, we didn't exactly get any sort of closure whatsoever. Oh well.

I'm still reeling (not sure that's the correct word) from the whole FZ thing of this weekend. I should have known better; better than to try and find a companion. But part of me feels like I still deserve someone....even though that part is probably slowly decaying and will rot off eventually. I hope it does. At least that way I will have a definitive way of feeling, instead of this teeter-tottering, back and forth, bullshit. Gah.

Today at the new job was cool. I was the only one to get 4 rings set-up out of the 4 new people who were assigned. I did take it as a challenge, and I DID succeed. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm positive that the guys know that I don't have as much technically knowledge as they do, but I will be damned if having a guide/directions won't allow me to do something. Shiiiiit. lol.

-M

P. S. Beware the ides of March and all that. (Yes I know I'm late. Shoot me.) 

I Realize Why Now....Sorta

I think I know why the updates to this blog are so infrequent: I really only feel like writing about my life when it's not going so great. Which, I can see why that would make sense; if I had awesome stuff going on, there wouldn't be a reason to sit here and pour my heart out to a blog that only I read. Know what I mean?

It's back again (or did it never leave?), that feeling of doom and depression. I got friendzoned AGAIN yesterday. By a girl that I thought I might have had some sort of future with. But I guess I always think that. Who tries to date someone that they don't think they have a future with right? *shrugs* I haven't claimed to be intelligent for quite some time now.

I say this now and I've said it before (so we will see if/when it sticks) but I am giving up on finding someone. I will be 31 this year and I honestly didn't expect to make it to this point due to the myriad of illnesses that I KNOW I have that aren't currently diagnosed. Like the bruise/spot on my right leg that sometimes hurts like crazy but other times is perfectly fine. I will probably never know what THAT is about. But back to the giving up thing....I deleted Tinder and disabled my plenty of fish account. I haven't gotten rid of OkCupid yet, but I will. I'm trying to hard, instead of just letting it happen. And by this point, I doubt it will. I've spent so much time trying to fight fate that I'm willing to accept defeat. You can't go against what life has in store for you. You are only delaying the inevitable and even that only works for so long. How can you expect to alter the threads of fate when you don't even have a clue how they work? You can't. I've tried.

Things with the friend that I mentioned in the previous entry are definitely almost over. She has a boyfriend now and a full house and a busy and wonderful life I'm sure. She doesn't even respond to the questions I ask her via text. Instead she replies back with random shit. Like today I asked her what's up and she replied with "Do you need a Vacuum?" What.The.Fuck. No I don't need a fucking Vacuum. I need you to be there for me when I need to talk. But you are probably too busy having an amazing life to make time for me. I fucked up at some point along the way and you realized that I would only bring you down, which is great for you. I knew you were smart as hell. I guess I just didn't expect you to realize that so soon and thought I could get at least a year of friendship out of you before you bailed. Ah well. Shame on me for trying to think. I need to just keep bullshitting my way through life, as I have been. But without companionship. Jason won't abandon me, unless I start spiraling into drugs or drinking or something. He's too nice. I'm sure he wants to kick me out as it is. I should try looking for my own place once I get on my feet.

At least I am finally starting to make a bit of headway on the debt that I have. If I live long enough, I might actually start to pay some of it off! Heh, I'll be surprised if that happens though. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still here as it is.

It's heartbreaking to know that everyone around me can seem to get into or out of relationships as they please. Even my friends who are single are still happy. They get to DATE and have sex and all the normal shit that people our age should be doing. I feel like the characters in Kurt Vonnegut's "TimeQuake" except that I can only hope and pray that someone will walk up to me and tell me "you were sick but now you're well. And there's work to do."

Heh, are hallucinations a symptom of depression?

-M

Oh, the one bright spot in my life? I found out that the band BABYMETAL kicks ass.