I can't say that I haven't been thinking about blogging. I think about it a lot actually. The problem lies in the fact that the times in which I think of something witty or great to talk about don't directly correlate with the free time with which my brain is functioning perfectly. What I mean to say is that the free time I do have in order to update this blog with is normally the time when I should be sleeping or resting. Having 2 jobs while going to school is a killer. That's a nice segue-way to the point of this blog entry...
What the hell am I doing with my life??? I'm 27 years old, still live at home and I work not one but TWO shitty restaurant jobs. I'm overweight and have no love life whatsoever to speak of.
The romance part has always been difficult for me. Ever since I broke up with the GF of 2 years over a year ago, there hasn't exactly been a steady stream of girls entering my life. To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect things to turn out how they have. (Does anyone ever?) It's a long and complicated story, but the gist of it is that I broke up with the GF because I wasn't getting sex. And not only that, but I broke up with her because I seriously thought (mistake on my part) that I was going to have sex with someone else. Someone from my past who I thought was going to be part of my future. I was so fucking wrong its ridiculous. Not only did I not get sex with this woman EITHER, but she disappeared from the face of the earth! Cell phone turned off (I'm not blocked. I called her # from 3 different phones in order to check. :P), facebook/okcupid profile deleted, doesn't log on to messenger and doesn't respond to emails. Fucking crazy....
So that's the start of the current "slump" I am in. Baseball analogies are normally lost on people that aren't fans, so if that is you I apologize. A slump in baseball means a batter who hasn't gotten a hit in a long while. If you think about it literally, it makes sense as an analogy. *shrugs*
Anyway, so if you count the girl I referenced as the start then let's refer to her as woman 1. So I am 0 for 1 in terms of the dating department last year. This was in the spring/early summer. Nothing new happened until around August. I am so pathetic that I took it upon myself to post an ad on Craigslist looking for love. I was basically calling out all the females in this city who claim to love nerds and all this, when someone like me (clearly a full-fledged, card carrying member of the nerd club) can't find anyone. Well one girl responded and she wasn't all that cute, but we had a lot of things in common. I am in the stage of my life where I am not going for the "OMG hot girl" anymore. I thought by this time in my life I would be married and on my way to starting a family. Again, fucking wrong.
Regardless, I thought I would give woman 2 a shot since we seemed to get along well. Things were going swimmingly untill....well, I actually don't have any fucking idea what the problem was. We went from being cool and talking one day to absolutely nothing the next. To make matters worse, the bitch had the nerve to come into my workplace and then hide in her hoodie when I went out to approach her. If you want to act like I don't exist, then a good start would be not going to my fucking workplace. Dumbass. She knew I worked there because she had visited me there twice previously. Whatevs, over Bitch 2.
The setting is now around fall/xmas time. I meet a girl at work and start to catch feelings for her, which seems to be a recurring theme with me. I always fall for the girls who show me any sort of kindness. Most of the time it is my "best friend" (who happens to be female) that it happens with. Other times it is just a girl that I converse with a lot. I will try and explain more on that in a bit, but I want to try and finish this thought first. Ok so the girl at work and I talk a lot and me in all of my stupidity actually believe that there is something there. Hell fucking no. She likes one of my friends, como siempre. *le sigh* He liked her too, so like I ALWAYS DO, I stepped aside to give someone else a shot at happiness. I really am a fucking retard. *slaps self in the face*
Needless to say, I moved out of the way thinking that they could be happy together but somewhere along the way one of them fucked it up. I don't even know all of the details since they both refuse to speak about it, but I do know that she is absolutely swearing off men. Well that is what she is telling me anyway. I let her know I still liked her (even though I was positive she already knew this) and she basically encouraged me to move on and not wait for her because she doesn't know when she will be ready for another relationship. I wasn't specifically bothered by being friend zoned for the Umpteenth time, but I WAS bothered by the fact that she wouldn't give me a straight answer as to why. I asked her if it was because I was fat or stupid or offensive or whatever. My reason for that is because if I know it is something that I will never be able to change, then I can at least move on with knowledge that it was just never meant to be. But when you are basically leading me on and not giving me a straight answer as to why we can't be, that's when shit gets annoying.
During this whole drama with girl 3, woman 4 enters the picture. I met her via OkCupid. We started talking on AIM and texting and talking on the phone. Well I went to meet her in person and let me tell you....woman are goddamn sneaky bastards when it comes to taking pictures. This woman was either a professional photoshop artist, or just damn clever at finding her best angles because she didn't look anything like her pictures. Ugh. Whatevs, I am going for personality anyway right? Well it didn't go very well in that department either. I couldn't tell if she was nervous around me or just uncomfortable, but the whole time we spent together felt really forced and so I didn't immediately follow up on it. She knew I didn't like her though, as she let me know via txt in the ensuing days.
So as woman 4 basically says that she is done, woman 3 firmly cements me in the friend zone and tells me to move the fuck on. So that's 0 for 4 in one year. :(
There really is something about me that people don't like. I know that I am extremely quick to anger. My short temper is legendary at work. I used to think that I could get by on just my personality alone, but I've finally begun to realize that that isn't the case. I really need to work on getting in shape. But that is neither here nor there.
There is one relationship that I have right now that I can honestly say that I never thought I would have: a plutonic one. There is this girl that works at the newer of my two jobs that makes me absolutely happy and we have no feelings for each other in any way other than friendship. She is happily in a relationship with a child and I respect that. I can't say I wouldn't try to pursue her if she were single, but it's just not about that with us. I go into work and if she is there I am happy and smiling. If she's not, I am quiet and keep to myself. I don't know how it is for her obviously, but we enjoy talking to one another and I genuinely do appreciate her. I got her a card for xmas just as a way of saying thank you for being friends with a dude like me. *shrugs*
I dunno.
The title of this entry is referring to a time period in my life a few years ago when I was deeply depressed. I had got out of a relationship, kicked out of grad school, no car, no job, and things were super shitty. I wished death upon myself. I prayed for it. Of course god being god he is either granting me my wish very slowly, or isn't. I guess we will see in the future eh? But yeah, I feel that depression creeping back up on me. After going 0 and 4 in the relationship department and no prospects on the horizon, I just feel like I'm wasting my life. I need to get my own place and get out and find random girls to screw. I need to get so shitfaced that I sleep through one of my shifts and get fired. I need to fucking live my life.....but I can't. I am so screwed that I am forced to stay here. I am forced to work 2 jobs to pay bills because I'm not a smart enough man to not buy shit with my credit cards. I'm not smart enough to have gotten a degree actually worth a damn in the first place. I'm not smart enough to figure a way out. I guess if you consider spending another 5 years in school and putting myself further into debt a way out then alright.
Maybe I should sell all of my shit in order to pay my bills and then work on getting the fuck out of my parents house and go from there. It might be a start.
Who knows.
Until next time...
-M
