Been about a month, let's reflect a bit

I have a habit of screwing things up, and yet this wasn't entirely my fault. I'm single again, but its because the girl couldn't find a job here. She was basically a NURSE and couldn't find a job. Can you believe it? Neither can I. It doesn't quite add up. She also said that she was planning on joining the military. That was the death nail. I don't have the time or money to wait or follow her. So we called it quits. I get the feeling she didn't really care. Everything she said about being and sad and stuff felt like an act. We didn't 'speak' for almost a month...which no relationship could survive, yet alone a young one like ours. Oh well.

I keep saying that I am okay but I'm fairly certain I'm not. I was buzzed by like 9:30am the day after we broke-up. I sobered up enough to meet some friends for dinner and then got drunk again. It was their fault for giving me free beers though. O.o

Ever since I've just felt pretty blah, overall. My thoughts are creeping back to my pre-move to nc-style, which won't end well. I'm currently listening to Bullet for My Valentine, which I normally only do when I'm in a bad move. Meh.

I'm fallen into the 'Matt Trap' once again though. I have a beautiful friend who is newly single. I've been dropping hints but she only considers me a friend. I know this. And yet, I can't help but feel like I have to try even if I know it will fail. But I don't want to ruin the friendship because it isn't like I have a bunch of friends here. So yep, the trap I always fall into.

The pain I've been having for a while has started to get worse again. I go through phases, and right now it's a bad one. I hope it clears up. Or kills me. I'm back to feeling kinda depressed. It's that time of the year. When everyone has someone to spend the holidays with, I'm just here alone. I deserve it for the bad decisions I've made, but still. That doesn't make it hurt any less. Gah.

I started using teeth whitening strips and my teeth are hurting. Gonna have to use that re-mineralizer stuff I have at the house after my next session. I've been trying to quit soda as well. So hopefully my smile will look a decent shade brighter in the future. Also a side effect of quitting soda is being a bit sleepier thanks to less caffeine. I'm going to quit coffee soon too. *shrugs*

As for other positive things....I can't really think of any. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'll be working. I expect it to be a quiet evening.

Things with the friend who I've fallen into the 'Matt Trap' with have been cooling off a lot recently as well. It used to be her who would text me. But now she doesn't text me unless I text her first. Blah.

-M

Since I left you hanging, let's try to catch up

I have written in so, so long. I'm not sure why other than forgetfulness/laziness. I feel like I only ever write something in here when things are on the downswing, which is actually why I decided to write this entry....self-fulfilling prophecy much?

I met some friends towards the end of July, via meetup.com. I started going to game nights on wednesday night where we play board and card games. It's been fun. 

In August I made a reddit post looking for companionship. Basically just like a craigslist post, except on reddit. A girl responded....from Wisconsin. I should have dismissed her then. BUT, she said that she was planning on moving here to NC. So I went ahead and let the 'idea' of her and I being together invade my mind, thoughts, emotions, etc. I figured that we would never even meet until she moved here. It would just be an 'online' thing. But it grew and grew thanks to Skype videochatting, Facebook messages, the Avocado App, and texts/phone calls. Then one day while talking about her to a friend of mine, the friend asks how come we haven't met yet? And basically I could only answer that I didn't have the money. So she offered her airline miles to me so that I could meet this girl. But, the girl didn't currently have a job like I do. So my friend instead allowed the girl to use the miles instead, so she could spend a week here with me instead of me spending like 2 days there.

Well these plans were made in September. October finally rolled around and she was supposed to come. She flew in on  Wednesday afternoon, and it was magical. Thursday I worked and then we hung out for a bit after I came home and then went to sleep. By the time I left for work on friday, she said she had to go home ASAP. She was bawling her eyes out. Her grandfather had a stroke which led to a heart attack. She thought he was going to die. So she wanted to go be with him. I couldn't be mad at her....but I sure as hell could be mad at the fucking universe. That situation confirmed my believe that there is no god or higher power or anything like that. If there were, how in the hell could he have possibly allowed that to happen? I was finally getting the chance to be happy....and it was ripped from me in an instant. No 'benevolent' being would do that. Her grandpa could have had his heart attack/stroke a week later, and my happiness wouldn't be impacted. Of course hers would be regardless, but still. It's fucking lame that we finally got time together only to have it cut short.

I'm self-censoring at the moment because if I were to really speak my mind I might say something that would reveal too much of who I really am. And no one is ready for that. 

-M

I've got some issues Stan, I think I need some counseling....

Wow so it's been a while since I've written. I wanted to write a few times but either laziness or forgetfulness took hold of me. 

After haphazardly reading my last post I can safely say that she is 86'd from being my gf. Probably like 3 days after I made that last post we decided to call it off. By we I mean me of course. But I went the politically correct route and made it seem on social media like we came to a mutual decision and whatnot. She agreed to call it off, but I doubt she would have reached that conclusion on her own. As I said in a previous entry, she's kinda stupid.

I really sincerely believe in my heart that I was meant to be alone. What else could explain it? I've been told that I just needed to wait over and over again in my life. I'm now 30 years old. How much longer do I need to fucking wait? Also why should everyone else find happiness in high school or whatever while I have to be practically dead with no hope in site? A bit unfair. But, and here's the catch, if I weren't long for this world, I could understand perfectly. I mean, why drag someone down with me? Maybe that's the 'greater plan' or higher purpose that some "benevolent" entity is trying to show me. Why else? Seriously. I'm just a jerk in a nice guy's clothing, but there are worse people in the world than me who get companionship. It kinda sucks. 

I wish that whatever force that was trying to show me this 'you don't get to have a companion' thing would just fucking kill me already. I get it. 

-M

How much longer? No idea...

 She is either too dumb to realize that she is fucking things up, or she knows exactly what is going on and is playing me like a fiddle. I want to give her a lot of credit and say it's probably the last part. But honest, I don't think it is. It took me a while but I finally realize that she has hella tunnel vision. Major even. Like, 'Disregard everything else to focus on whatever' style. There were signs of this previously, but I guess I had my own tunnel vision going on. I was so wrapped up in the fact that this girl liked me, that I overlooked some HUGE red flags. I know that you should never try and change someone, but I supposed I was naive enough to think that she would change herself without my intervention. But, I'm gonna let Dr. Cox tell you guys what I was:

Yep. That about sums it up. Here I was, thinking that well if I text her she will text me back. Nope. She didn't even text me back today. At all. I'm gonna not text her until wednesday. If she doesn't text me I'm breaking it off with her. It's gonna suck, but I guess I can re-buy my Hellsing dvds. **le sigh**

Fucking bitch. I can't believe she is doing this to me. She said she really liked me. Some way of showing it. Fuck. 

I really need to stop with the craigslist thing. The people are too fucking weird. I just need to focus on okcupid or pay the fucking money for match [dot] com. 

Gonna get ready for bed. This weekend was a complete waste. Utterly and totally. Thanks for nothing cunt. 

-M

I feel alone regardless of being 'with' someone

I didn't think it was possible to feel alone when you are 'with' someone. Granted the person is not physically near me, but still. When you take the step of going from just getting to know someone to making them your significant other you expect things to go to another level. I'm not even talking physically. 

The fact that my 'girlfriend' doesn't communicate with me says a lot about her. I texted her about it and she admitted that it was her fault, yet she has done nothing to remedy the situation. I didn't text her yesterday and she didn't text me either. Pretty much what I figured would happen. I imagined that she wouldn't text me today either so I broke down and texted her. She responded, but only enough to show me that she was alive. I think I need to set an ultimatum or something. I need to be strong enough to not text her first. And just let it play out. See what she does. I can't be the one texting her first all of the time. A relationship is supposed to be a 2 way street, but right now I'm the only one metaphorically driving. And I'm getting really, REALLY fucking tired of it. I didn't think things would sour this fast, but it just boggles my mind. It really does. How can you be in a relationship with someone without communicating with them? You can't. That should really say all that needs to be said regarding what she thinks about us. 

It's a good thing I didn't do anything stupid like deleting my okcupid profile or anything. That would have been a bitch to recreate. Its not like I've ever had any luck with it anyway though. Like 40 messages sent with like 2 positive responses. That's a terrible ratio. Managers/Coaches/Players etc. have been fired for better ratios than that. Jeezus. 

I fucked up bad on this GF thing though. Once I get my hellsing DVDs I am out. That's another mistake. I will never let anyone borrow them again, provided I get them back. 

I finished my last beer that had been sitting in the fridge from February. A 'Killian's Irish Red' that I love so much. From now on, back on the keto bandwagon. Seriously again. Fuck sweets. Fuck carbs. I need to get back down to like 180 or less. Now that I'm running it shouldn't be too difficult once I get back into Ketosis. Motivation is a powerful thing. Motherfuckers won't see me coming. Believe that. 

When I finally do make it back to San Antonio I'm going to be a japanese speaking, guitar playing in shape dude. I want people to say 'Wow' outloud. I want them to wonder what the hell happened. And that's when I will respond "Motivation Motherfuckers."

Stop being content. Challenge the status quo. Make a difference, not excuses. The only reason I didn't run this morning was because I had to wash clothes. Tomorrow I'm running again. 

I should probably get to sleep if I'm going to get up at 5:30. Hooray for responsibility, bitch. 

-M

So happy...together?

As happy as I am, I think I might have made a mistake. I have a girlfriend now. I use that term loosely however. 

She is bad at communication. Scratch that, not bad. TERRIBLE. Horrible even. I don’t know her way of thinking, but I feel like if I try to mention something about it to her that she will say something irrelevant. I was in such a rush to be with someone that I didn’t take the time to get to know her. Granted I noticed her lack of communication before (as noted in my previous entry), but I thought it would change once we got together. It hasn’t. 

My heart is hurting, literally. I don't think it's because of her. I'm fairly certain it's because I started running. Maybe I’m going to pass away soon. It might be fitting that once I'm finally starting to have a decent life that it's taken from me. I was afraid to live for so long that I made mistakes that I shouldn't have made. I'm probably paying for it now. Figures that when I make a concentrated effort to improve my situation that something comes along and says 'NO.'

Now I feel weird in the head. I wish I were more articulate and could describe in detail how I am feeling. But alas, I am stuck making mere generalizations rather than descriptions. 

I gave in and texted her thanks to a female friend encouraging me to do so. What has been the result? Nothing. Nada. 

I'm going to go and see Godzilla tonight with random people I met on meetup.com so hopefully I don't get killed. lolz.

-M

Am I doing what I always do? Over-analyzing things? Worrying too much?

Ironically enough, since my last entry I went on a date with a really adorable girl who genuinely seemed into me. She gave me a kiss on the lips at the end of the date. That never happens!

But, in typical fashion I might have screwed up already. I'm not sure though. I haven't hear from her in over 24 hours now, and I get the feeling that it might be my fault. I don't plan on texting her again anytime soon since I've texted her THREE times without a response. She knows I like her (and I thought she liked me) but I don't want to seem overly anxious. The last thing the poor girl probably wants is to be smothered by some chubby bald almost 30yr old who barely gets by. 

I'm seriously stressing over this, and I shouldn't be. Today was the first time since I've started my new job that I seriously didn't want to be there. I had a headache and felt like crap pretty much the entire day. I didn't work ANY tickets, but technically we're still in training so it's okay. But yeah. She already texted me intermittently but I get the feeling I might have pushed her across the edge to the 'not going to text' side. Or there could be something wrong, like her phone being broken or she lost it or whatever. I have no idea. I really shouldn't worry about it, but I am. I can't help it. I probably should be able to not cling so hard, but I can't. Stupid heart, why do you have to fall so easily? 

Bah.

Hopefully I will update with better news soon. 

-M 

It sounds incredible, but things have finally started to turn around...

I neglected to mention in that last post that my grandfather did indeed pass away. It didn't effect me as hard as some of the other members of my family, but it does suck. My grandfather taught me a lot of things that my father never did like how to fish, how to shoot a gun, etc. 

There were a lot of things I never knew when I was young either because I was young or because I was ignorant. I had no clue that my dad was basically an alcoholic, until years after the fact. I remember him falling asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth and burning a hole into one of the couch cushions. The only reason I noticed it was because I randomly woke up to the smell of something burning. If I had continued to sleep then none of us might be here right now. That's a scary thought. 

Figures I had to move away right as my niece is starting to be awesome. When children are super young it is almost like you don't matter to them unless you are their mother or father. Now my niece is talking and walking and being generally awesome, from what my brother tells me. It's great to hear, but also sad because I know that the earliest I will probably get to see her is at Christmas this year, and it won't even really be Christmas as far as I can tell since it would appear that I will have to work on all of the major holidays this year. 

Going along with that, I have finally, FINALLY managed to leave restaurants behind. I am now working in IT and I couldn't enjoy it more thus far. I don't sweat or bleed or burn, and it was a $6 per hour raise, which is fantastic. 

Overall, it seems like things are turning around for me. They took their sweet time but I'm glad that it at least happened. Now if my love life would turn around then things might be just a hair shy of perfect. ;)

Ending on a positive note, for once.

-M

Still Waiting for the Good

I managed to get my CCNA Routing & Switching certification. I studied hard enough I guess. So far no hits on any jobs I've been applying to. Not even "remote" interest. I still have a lot of work to do apparently. I honestly thought I would be out of restaurants by this point, but I guess I'm forced to suffer through it for even longer.

It's funny how someone used to praise you for speaking their language (literally; spanish) and encourage you to flirt with them in it and now suddenly feels the need to do a 180 and tell you not to. I have no problem not speaking spanish, but the flirting? That was HER fucking idea in the first place. Ugh. I can trace a lot of bad things in my life to facebook, and the internet in general. If I had never made that Darkwing Duck group then I never would have met her, and things would be different. If I never had a livejournal then I never would have made that blog entry and ended a friendship with someone I really cared about. We're talking as friends again now (like 8 years later) but she's moved on and is likely to get married. 

While I'm on the subject of how different I wish things were, I wish my parents had been much stricter about video games. Maybe I would have done something with my life, instead of floundering around wasting time and money on virtual nonsense. What is it about video games that make them so appealing to me? Probably the fact that my real life sucks as hard as it does. Escapism at its finest. 

Well yea so things were supposed to get better by coming here. I was supposed to improve my life. So far I've just been mooching off of my friend. I need to push myself harder to pay him back. He'll probably never ask a penny from me, but I know I need to be able to help him out financially. Truth be told I wish I could just take out a life insurance policy and name him the benefactor. Then when whatever the hell it is that is tormenting me finally decides to cash out he can cash out as well. But that's not possible at the moment. 

I gotta figure stuff out. And soon. 

-M

Snowing Outside, but it can't get any colder inside

Going back through my old posts and I found one from around this time last year. It was at this point in time that I didn't have any idea that I would be moving to North Carolina. It felt weird looking back on it because as much as things actually DID end up changing in 2013, not everything has been positive.

My grandfather appears to be circling the drain. My mom and my uncle are going to drive to Georgia and meet up with my other aunt and uncle and go visit him in the hospital to say their goodbyes. I'd love to be able to go and see him again and say goodbye but I just cant with my current financial situation. It's bad. I don't feel as sad I probably should, but things rarely make me cry these days. I feel like my heart has been hardened through enough adversity that it would take something drastic for me to shed an emotional tear. 

As much as I try and try to get women interested in me I never succeed. I really should just give up and not give a fuck. I've been "waiting" for damn near 30 fucking years, there's only so much time I can wait. I've made a lot of terrible decisions in my life and I am the ONLY one who has to pay for them. As such, I am dealing with my penance or whatever right now. 

I made this bed so I'm fucking laying down in it. 

I future endeavored Niki. She had a lot of cons anyway, but I wish it would have gone a different way. My anger will continue to force me to make a lot of terrible decisions. I need to figure out a way to vent. 

Tonight is the first time it has snowed since I've been here. Really awesome. The only downside is that it might cause me to miss work. I hope not though. I need the hours, like crazy. I hate being poor. But yet I can't seem to motivate myself enough to really hunker down and study my ass off for the ICND2 exam. I hate myself. I genuinely do. 

I have to remember to put my "happy" mask on in public more. I keep forgetting. 

-M 

The sad state of things

It's funny when someone who claims to be your friend tries to be an armchair psychiatrist whilst talking to you. If you don't know the facts, don't make shit up. That's not how it works. You are not helping, just annoying. Period. 

All the good intention in the world doesn't amount to anything if you aren't up to speed on the situation and are just talking out of your ass. I would call you out on this to your face, but we aren't in the same state anymore. 

*le sigh* Let me back up and give some perspective. 


This friend asked me how things were going and I responded truthfully.

Terribad. Trying not to think about it though. Hope you are continuing to do well.

 This was obviously not good enough for her. She wanted to lecture me about things. Things she knows nothing about. 

It really got me thinking. It's pretty sad when someone with an incurable disease can find someone to care about them and I can't. I mean real talk I might have an incurable disease as well, but I don't know about it. The point is that she knows and informed the guy and he doesn't care. Charlie Sheen would refer to this as "winning" if that reference isn't already completely dated. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying my damndest to make something happen one way or the other and not achieving anything. Ugh. It kinda sucks. 

Life didn't used to be such a failure. At some point I lost my way. I'm hoping I will be able to get back on the straight and narrow, but I'm not going to hold my breath. You know, just in case. 

In other news, lots of "awwwz" were had because of this gif of Kaitlyn and AJ Lee. 

I love AJ and actually had a dream where I met her. It was amazeballs and I am disappointed it didn't actually happen. 

Well that's it for now. 

-M