That's what I don't Understand, that's what I don't know...

I keep trying to make these fucked up plans even when I know its the wrong move. But the universe seems to be keeping me in check so I doubt anything will even come of them.

Earlier today at work I had some really dark and depressing thoughts. The fact that I am still on this earth and Danny isn't is something that I will never be able to comprehend. It is seriously mind-blowing. I would gladly trade places with him if I could. No questions asked. Its not like I have anything to offer anyone like he did. He had a family and was trying to make something of his life....whereas I am completely alone and back working in a restaurant. Fucking great.

I wished for death in....2004? 2005? Dunno. Life is fucked up though in that it took Danny instead of me. Oh and I just searched for my old "journal" and found it....so I wished for death or whatever in 2007. Sounds about right. That was a pretty shitty year overall.

I wanted to write and say so much more but I'm just going to cut this short for now.

-M

Incessant Ramblings - Part 2

I have always felt like the song "Fade" by Staind relates to me. I can relate to so much of what the lyrics say. Thanks for narrating a bit of my life, Aaron Lewis. *nods*

Things are still very much in a holding pattern. Work blew more ass recently because it seems like someone is always taking a vacation or requesting a day off or whatever and that fucks me over. Gah. And when I have an opportunity to try and do something for more money, I blow it. Whatever.

No love life still. I would like to think that it is mostly because I am trying to NOT even get involved with anyone but I doubt very much that is the case. I mean if I still had Tinder/Plenty of Fish/OkCupid/etc. things wouldn't be much different. I'd probably just have been rejected more than now.

It's crazy to think about that last year around this time I had a "bae"; as the young-ins call it. She was great and I didn't deserve her, and obviously the universe righted that wrong. Even the girl I was seeing BEFORE her, who wasn't someone I wouldn't have ever thought I would be involved with (to be perfectly honest) was too good for me. The universe took that too. Then a few months later I meet K. *le sigh* I tried too hard at first and then didn't stop to assess the situation properly. Even with all of the positives, there were a LOT of red flags and I shouldn't have grown as attached as fast as I did. But that's just what I do I guess. I move fast and get hurt because of it. Its like one of those "enjoy life now, ask questions later" type of thing.

Things have not gone the way I expected the entire time I've been back. I should be used to the disappointment and set expectations low, yet I don't. I always hope that things will go differently then they do. Like my birthday this year for example. I had all of these big plans and ideas....and all I managed to accomplish was the most simple of them: eat pizza. Big. Fucking. Deal. I think by this point, disappointment should be my middle name.

What sucks is that if I didn't make all of these poor decisions, I might have been lucky enough to meet a girl and have a kid and name it after Danny. But now, my shitty tattoo tribute and wrist band are all the legacy he gets.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I probably should have taken my friend S's advice and gone to see a therapist.

-M