Not home for Christmas

I am writing this from a tablet that I received for Christmas from my brother. It is really cool. Also I am currently in New Been with the roommate and his girlfriend and friend. It has been a weird but actually decent Christmas.

Right now I am suffering the effects of binging on carbs and sugar for days, so I feel like crap. After being in Ketosis for so long, cheating really really hurts. I have a headache, stomach ache, and feel tired as hell.

Christmas itself was fairly great, a lot of unexpected but welcomed gifts...that I'm not sure entirely deserve. But I can't exactly give them back. I suppose I could, but yeah that would be terribad.

As 2013 draws to a close I can't help but hope for a better year next year. I got in way over my head with the whole Niki thing. I think I'm going to base my future mate expectations on the mother from 'A Christmas Story' because she is all around awesome.

I dunno, I understand that a career should be my most important focus right now, but my loneliness is practically crippling. Gah. I should probably lower my expectations or something.

Guess that's it for now.

Merry Christmas.

-M

Where things stand now vs. How They Were

For someone so adamant about being honest and truthful, the lies sure did start to pile up. The girl I mentioned in the previous blog entry, Niki, claimed to be all about honesty and whatnot. But let me explain what she is really about. 

The short version is that she played me. 

Here's the extended edition:

She really did flip flop from "you're not in the friendzone" to just wanting to be friends very fast. That should have been red flag #1 for me. But nope, I didn't even contemplate that she had a grander scheme in mind. So we continued talking, as friends, or whatever. Eventually we decided that we should be friends with benefits and so we were going to work on making the benefits part of it happen. On the only two days a week we have to make it happen, she came up with excuses. They were varied and never the same, but yet they were excuses nonetheless. Naive as I am, I believed her. I guess the loneliness built up inside of me was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, so a week passes without anything other than flirting via texts and suddenly I get some strange text messages from her:

"He's pretty kick ass."

and

"Thanks for introducing us- I'm glad you were ok with that."

Say what now? Needless to say, I'm upset by these. She makes up the excuse that she was talking about a "bass player" from "a friend's band" that she was stealing for a 'jam session' on the weekend. That should have been another red flag. But nope, stupid me believed her. I feel for that one hook line and sinker. What really threw me for the loop is that she made it seem like it was legit and that she genuinely felt bad, even though I know now that she's a damn liar. I don't see how anyone could throw around the word "babe" without any sort of emotional attachment, yet that's exactly what she did. I digress. 

We go about our daily routine of occasionally texting when on monday she's like, "hey are you home? can i call?" and I tell her yes to both. On the phone she tells me that since she's going to be moving back home to Virginia that she met up with an old ex-boyfriend and he wanted to take her out to dinner and she was trying to see if I was okay with that. I tried to explain to her that I have no saying over what she wants to do, we aren't exclusive or anything. So of course she is thrilled that she gets to meet up with this guy or whatever. It's all a load of shit that I shouldn't even be dealing with. IF THE FUCKING BITCH HAD JUST SAID, 'HEY I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE, THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE' I'D BE PERFECTLY FINE. But no. I didn't get that courtesy. I got lead around by a leash (albeit of mostly my own doing) and fell for every fucking word.

I've never been the type of guy who condoned or even understood cheating. But now? Now that I know just how evil and manipulative women can be, I have no qualms about it anymore. 

In other news, I had a job screening the other day that I think I completely blew. I hope I'm wrong and that I end up getting an interview and the job, but I sincerely doubt it. I really need to concentrate more on thinking before speaking. Its a bad habit that I need to kick. Ugh.

I wanted to write more but I have to get ready for work. More later possibly.

-M

'And then its' over just as quickly as it began...'

I was talking to a girl named Niki. She liked me. At least thats what she had me believe. There were cons to her from the beginning (which should have stopped me) but I chose to ignore them for the sake of potential happiness. She vehemently told me "you're not in the friendzone" last week. Yesterday she hit me with this one: "I really REALLY like you...we should just be friends." Are you kidding me? Make up your fucking mind bitch. I am used to being friendzoned, but when you say Im not and then put me there anyway Im gonna be fucking pissed. Now shes trying to be ny friend or whatever. Ugh. This will not end well. Lose 50lbs and STILL not date-able. I guess my personality is really just that shitty.

Coming out of the woodwork

 It's really funny to me how some of my friends don't seem to give a shit about saying/doing anything to/for me until someone else starts getting attention. I recently posted on facebook about some mail I received from my "nephew" and my friend replied: 

" I love those drawings! I remember seeing them sitting on the kitchen table a few weeks ago. I still have those Warframe things from PAX to send you! I couldn't get any autographs at Comic-Con though. Everyone you'd care for already left by the time we got there."

Riiiiight. If you gave any sort of shits, you would have made it to comic-con early. And the warframe stuff took no effort, so don't act like that was such a burden on you. But its whatevs. I will attempt to be the nice guy regardless because one day the situation might be reversed (but I doubt it). 

I wanted to say more but I have to get ready for work. Later.

-M

It's a Start

So I am now a CCENT, or CCENT certified. Whatevs. Not sure if I will be able to get out of restaurants with just this certification, but I hope so. I'm tired of all the restaurant bullshit.

I think Im going to have a hard time, with no experience and all. Maybe I can find an unpaid internship or something. The sooner Im out of cooking, the better.

On a different note, I think its funny that she wants me now. Now that she is potentially in the worst situation of her life (practically used up), she would be willing to settle down with me. Kinda BS if you think about it, considering that she was my first option and now Im her last. Im only entertaining the idea because Im so fucking lonely here. I might as well be in Siberia for fucks sake.

So I saw D____la on someone's facebook page. It was nice to see her, if even in pictures. It looks like she is doing well. I will never forget the good times, even though they were only at work. Lol. I added her as a friend, but Im sure her douche-weed baby daddy will deny me. Whatever. I just mainly wanted her to know that I was thinking about her.

I guess thats it for now.

-M

Forgotten Post Title: Afterthought

I've been making a concentrated effort to study for the CCENT. I was actually determined to take the exam two days from now. But, alas, I don't feel I am ready. I honestly feel like it isn't worth wasting $150 to find out. I took a practice test earlier and bombed the hell out of it, so yeah. I think more studying is in order, for sheezy. 

I'm pretty sure I might have mentioned this (as I might have mentioned THAT before), but I'm lonely as hell out here. I am halfway across the US from practically anyone I know, aside from my roommate. He is here because he has her, which is good and perfectly understandable. But me? I have nothing out here. No reason to even be here, other than the fact that I thought a change of scenery would do me good, ya know? There's nothing like seeing pictures on facebook of your friends back home partying without you to make you feel truly alone. While I feel that getting these IT certifications will do me good, I honestly wish things had turned out differently. 

As soon as I move from SA, they have a sweet ass ComicCon with wrestlers that I would have killed to meet. Basically the entire nWo, and Bret Hart. My friends that watch wrestling aren't wrestling fans. They are casual marks. The only person who truly used to enjoy it like me, now probably has no fucking clue what is going on. He is a writer now and gay (not that it matters, just stating a fact) and happy and couldn't care less about wrestling as far as I know.

But man, seeing those pictures of my friends...made me realize just how lonely I feel. One girl in particular, she looked damn amazing. She'd make an amazing wife, I know this for a fact. But she doesn't like me, just like none of the girls I ever develop feelings for do. Hell, even the girl I left behind in SA has stopped texting me as much because she has a "boyfriend." She told me via text that he is disgusting, but yet she considers them to be "together." Although I guess that her word really doesn't mean shit, considering that she told me she gave head to some other guy (not the bf) the other night. I wanted to call her a slut and all of the things that I would normally say in that situation. I wanted to ask her if she was drunk or what, but I didn't. I didn't really say much of anything. Only found out who the dude was and that it wasn't her boyfriend. I didn't even bother with a follow up or anything. Just checked her facebook....she has two friends named Ryan, and one of them looks like a dude she would probably hang out with on a regular basis. I should ask her about it, but that's just.....yeah. I don't even really want to talk to her. I honestly thought that me moving halfway across the US would make the messages stop. I mean, it's not like there's a chance for us anymore. Not that we necessarily had one before, but yeah. If she never messages me again I won't be sad. *shrugs*

I've been listening to a lot of the band A Lot Like Birds recently. They are damn awesome and its a shame I haven't heard of them until now. *le sigh* I wish I knew about more music. There are too many bands out there. lol. 

I've been thinking about Da__ a lot recently as well. This is the time of year when she would come in with a nice winter coat and be cold and all this. Every time I think about her cholo-ass baby daddy I just get angry. I wish I could take her out of that situation, and give her an amazing life. One day, when I have money. One day...

Alright I guess that's it for now. Laterz.

-M

Let Down Again?

You'd think I would be used to being disappointed/let down by my friends, but nope. Every time I ask them for something and they let me down it never gets any easier. I keep clinging to the disbelief that they will let me down. I hope they would realize how important things are to me, but nah.

Im fucking tired of them. And tired in general actually. So very tired...

I should be used to Flip-Flopping

Okay so the insanity thing didn't work out. I did it for one day and then stopped. Mostly because we're on the second floor and I don't think our downstairs neighbors appreciated my fat ass jumping around so much. Gonna have to think of a different plan as far as that goes.

Today is my roommate's birthday. I went out to lunch with him and his girlfriend. It was good. I feel like crap though, since I haven't eaten a lot of carbs in a long time. Ugh...

But being around the two of them, it makes me want what they have. They have a simple relationship. They're both nerdy, simplistic people who don't have super materialistic wants or desires. The obviously care for each other and it's endearing. I want something like that. I want a woman who cares about and shares my interests, who would be willing to make/craft me something as opposed to buying it. Someone who'd be willing to spend money but knows that it isn't necessary. I'm like that NIN song, "Something I Can Never Have." *le sigh*

I should be studying for my CCENT right now, but I'm not. I'm just wasting time before work. Why do I always do this? What the fuck is wrong with me? If I knew that, I could fix it. The only thing I know for certain is that I don't want to work tonight. Hell, I don't want to work at my current job ever again. If I found a new position tomorrow, I'd be perfectly content with never going there again. Ya know? *shrugs*

I guess I'm going to try and get a video in. That's it for now. 

-M 

P.S. I'm listening to the band A Lot Like Birds, and I think they're pretty good.  

Trying hard

So Im going to attempt the CCENT exam next wednesday. Am I ready? Not yet. Will I be? I hope so. If not its gonna cost me $150 to find out. The only thing I know for sure is that I am finally fed up with restaurants and need to get the fuck out of here. CCNA is the way to go about that, but I need the CCENT first.

Thats it for now.

-M

Starting a few new things

Either tomorrow or tuesday I start the fitness workout "Insanity." I don't plan on telling anyone. They know that I've lost 50 pounds through Keto, but I plan on surprising them with how I look after being on Insanity for a while. Everyone from the group has been saying I should workout now, but that was the plan all along. I just wanted to see the weight loss results via just the Keto diet before I work on transforming my body by working out.

Also, I've begun dedicating 30 mins or so every day to writing. My plan is to end up with a semi-autobiographical novel, but thats a ways out. Right now I have about 5 pages written, but very little in terms of cohesion. Lol. They're mostly just thoughrs and tangents that need expansion. But I feel good about it. There's supposed to be some tropical storm rolling through our area tomorrow, so if the power goes out I will be sure to end up spending my time writing, amongst other things.

Even though having a break is nice, I was kinda looking forward to getting OT again this week. It doesn't look like its gonna happen though. *shrugs*

I guess thats it for now. Until next time.

-M

Things appear to be bad all around

So it would appear that no one in my family is doing well. I just spoke to my brother, who told me about my family's poor health all over the U.S. I keep wondering what happened to my generation. Only my brother has managed to find a modicum (is that the right word? Synonym for margin) of success. Everyone else is just floundering, myself included. We were supposed to be successful and take care of everyone....but we can't even take care of ourselves. Life is a cruel mistress, right along with fate.

How did it even get to this point? I don't know.

-M

Picking up on little things; reflection

I've been trying to reverse my karma. Its obviously been negative for a long, long time and I've been blind to it. I reached out and apologized to a few old friends and we are friends on facebook again. One of them I am 'okay' about. The other I am sorta happy about. If I hadn't ran my mouth so long ago maybe things would be different right about now. As it stands, she is in Minnesota and I am in North Carolina. We shared a lot of happy times that ended way too soon. Hopefully we can re-ignite some of that spark.
The fall weather is approaching us here in NC. Every day it feels like the temp drops a degree or two. Its nice waking up to a cool apartment with the sliding door open (screen closed) and birds singing and stuff. Beautiful. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of things for no real reason. Well no, I know the reason(s). But the answer isn't a good one, so I'd rather just be vague about it. Ugh.

Getting transferred to a new store and having to repeat the same things over and over is annoying yet theraputic. I tell the same stories, same jokes, same lies, etc. to everyone that shows any interest. Even when I think there is a love interest or something, that ends the same way...they have a boyfriend or are talking to someone or whatever. I've been doing a series of videos with The Isaac and in one of his replies to me he dished out this pearl of wisdom: 'Sometimes you are just yourself, and that's the wrong move.' I love it. It is simple yet deep and truthful. I love that dude in the most hetero way possible. Lol.
But yeah that's all I've got for now. I miss Texas.

I might literally be going insane...

I've been having weird thoughts as of late. Well not weird so much as not "normal" in the sense that if people knew what I was thinking they would question my sanity. I don't blame them. I'm beginning to question it myself. I mean, maybe it's just the fact that I really don't talk to anyone. Jason and I converse, but it's not the same as having a group of friends to talk and do stuff with. I dunno. I honestly think that if I had more time to think over the decision, I might not have moved out here. But sometimes the tough decisions have to be made without pondering long, as was the case this time. 

I'm crushing on a girl at work. I might have mentioned it before. She has a boyfriend of at least 3 years, but I can't help myself. She is everything I am looking for/want in a woman. I know we can't (and mostly don't) always get what we want, but I feel helpless. She is the bright and shining light amidst the smoldering pit of brutality that is my workplace. I might be replacing my old crush with this new one because I don't have anyone, but I'm not sure. [Seems to be a recurring theme, me not being sure of something.]

It's been almost 3 months and I have ZERO new friends. I have met people here, but no one I would consider a friend yet. That's mostly due to being an antisocial hermit, but yeah. It's not like anyone at work has made an effort, aside from the whale mentioned in a previous blog. But, that's a situation that has almost gone away. I finally managed to get it through her head to stop trying to pursue me...I think. Time will tell I guess. 

There was more to the story, but after working doubles this whole fucking weekend I am tired. I am going to cut it short here. 

-M

Postulating about the future (hopefully I used that correctly)

I guess by this point I should try and think about the future. However short it may or may not be. 

I made a list of things that I need money for either coming up soon or things that I WANT to do/acquire in the future. Here it is:

-Car stuff: License, license plates, insurance, transmission(? not sure but there's SOMETHING wrong)
-Tattoos: The Mega Man tats I mentioned before, this sweet Doctor Who logo thing, my niece's initials, and some FFAF lyrics. 
-Dog! And related accessories. I want a dog man. It would definitely help with the loneliness. 
-My certification exams

It sucks that money is what makes the world go around. Well at least to me since I don't have much of it. Heh. 


In other news, I skyped with the SA group on saturday night. It was nice. I felt like I was there, aside from the lack of ability to eat their food. lol. They keep having the impression that I'm going back to visit soon. That's probably my fault, but I mostly said that because I figured it would go over better than "well see ya'll never." Ya know? *shrugs*

Things are going alright. I wish I could say they were getting better but I haven't gotten to that point yet. 

Alright I'm out. 

-M

Understanding references years out when you finally see what was being referenced...

For years I never understood why one of my friends referred to himself as 'Battousai' or some variation of his name + Battousai online. I had no idea that he was referencing an anime, yet alone which particular anime. (It's not like there is a shortage of anime out there.) I don't remember how I came across it specifically, but I ended up looking up Rurouni Kenshin on Wikipedia and thinking that it sounded great. Having watched three episodes thus far, I can say that it's living up to its reputation up to this point. The connection between the two things is that 'Battousai' is a term from Kenshin, which makes total sense now that I think about it. The friend in question is a huge anime nerd, so yea. 

Funny how that works right? I wonder if people will ever understand things I've referenced waaay later. Nah, I doubt anyone cares enough to remember. Meh. 

I've been feeling especially alone out here. I mean I live with Jason, but he's gonna about 70% of the time. And aside from him and his girlfriend (who I have yet to see or talk to in person since being out here) I don't know anyone. I've met people at Chili's, but with the exception of the whale in the aforementioned entry there's not exactly any interest in me. I think I cracked that case, and it actually has to do with the fact that all of the good looking ladies there are already taken. I mean me being ugly or unattractive or unappealing or whatever COULD have something to do with it, but in general mostly everyone has someone already. The only remedy is to get in better shape so I can attract a non-whale. 

Its the same story all the time. Even on OkCupid. I browse profiles to find girls that I think I would be compatible with and send them messages. They either don't respond to the message, or they see it and choose not to respond to it for whatever reason. My once thought of 'flawless' personality does indeed have some flaws. I gave myself too much credit and now I'm trying to fix that. I need to try and be humble. I need to stop being so quick to get angry. I need to relax. I need to stop stressing. 

I've just come across the band "Meg and Dia" via a dubstep remix to one of their songs, and I think I like them. Their songs are good and chill. I feel relaxed. 

Well relaxed and tired. And depressed. And lonely. *le sigh*

I've been thinking more and more about getting a tattoo or three. lmao. Right now the idea(s) I have are: Mega Man on my left calf, Proto Man on my right, and some funeral for a friend lyrics on my back. That'd be outstanding. But that requires money....something that is in short supply at the moment. Meh. 

Guess that's it for now. 

-M

"It's about not settling for something less than you deserve, just because there isn't any other option..."

A girl once posted that as her facebook status ONE day after I asked her out. Obviously it was for me, even if she would never come out and admit to it. I mean no one knew except maybe her, me, and a few of my friends so why spell it out? As much as that hurt (and oh boy did it ever), at least she had the kindness to not say something like, "HEY EVERYONE MATTY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!" instead. She chose to be vague, and I never really appreciated that until now. 

Since losing around 30lbs, I've been getting unexpectedly hit on. The first time a girl flirted with me at the corner store I had the "Who? Me?" *pointing and looking around*-style reaction. Well now that I am in a kitchen in a new state, I thought I would be able to get to know a new set of women. There are quite a few pretty girls that I work with. However, I am 95% certain that they are ALL taken. Every one. Every.Single.One. 

There is one that I know for a fact that likes me. "Great!" you are probably thinking, right? Wrong. Oh man. Now I understand what that girl was saying when she posted that facebook status. Time is the greatest of teachers right? 

I couldn't understand at the time why she didn't want to be with me. But now that the situation is reversed...I get it. And I am no longer angry at her. At the time, I didn't understand that I was a whale trying to be with a cute minnow. Now, I'm the cute minnow and a whale wants to be with me. I know that is a TERRIBLE analogy, but I will be goddamned if I can't put it any better. I knew I was fat when I asked that girl out. But I thought my personality was great. (I was wrong, obviously.) But the girl that likes me...she is HUGE. I am trying to get it through her head that I'm not interested, but she won't leave it alone. It's starting to get annoying really. Like I said, NOW I understand how in the wrong I was. Man.

I gotta just "Keep Calm and Keto On" as I tell myself. (I should get that printed onto a T-shirt)

Listening to Splender. I miss them. Glad I got to see them live before they broke up. 

This post sort of got derailed, so I guess that's it for now. 

-M

I am writing this from North Carolina

Life is a funny thing. 

I never pictured leaving Texas, the state which has been my home for over two decades. I never actually had a say in the matter (well until I turned 18 at least) but I had no qualms with Texas. I loved San Antonio. Still do. The San Antonio Spurs are in the NBA Finals this year. I hope they win the championship. That would be a cool going-away/birthday present. Plus if Duncan wins the title I guarantee he will retire. Bank on it.

Anyway, I did it. I made the cross country drive from San Antonio, Texas to Garner, North Carolina. I made it in about 28 hours, with a couple of stops here and there. One of them being dinner with my cousin from Georgia who I hadn't seen in about 20 years. Worth it. Oh, and I did it without my proof of insurance...which I left in SA due to all of the commotion of the move. (Like a boss? lol)

I had to have the 'rents mail me out my insurance card, which I just received today. I went out to Walmart and Dollar Tree. (Have I mentioned how much I love Dollar Tree?)

It finally hit me as I was walking across the parking lot to my car after leaving Dollar Tree: "I am halfway across the United States, away from my family and (most of) my friends." Crazy...

Since I haven't updated this blog before the story about my crush thoroughly came to an end, let me catch up.

I put my two weeks' notice in at Jim's on May 3rd....that was the last day I would see my crush. She looked lovely. She had her hair in pigtails. Muy bonita. Ella se vea como Pocahontas.  *le sigh* Anyway, I had asked her for a photo in the past but she said to ask her on a day when she did her hair all nice. So I figured that day (the 3rd) was the perfect day. 

"I only have two weeks left with her, I better get the picture while I can," I thought to myself.

Little did I know how right I was. 

So as the day progresses, I just figure I will ask her towards the end, so that it won't get in the way of her work. Well....she ended up leaving without telling me bye. Not only did I not get to take a picture with her, but I never got to give/get a proper goodbye....that was the last time she was at Jim's. She called in the next day and the GM basically told her that she was fired, since she DID have a habit of calling in all the damn time. 

I was devastated. All the time spent (not so) secretly crushing on her and I have nothing to show for her. Not. A. Damn. Thing. Only memories. Those will have to last, and I anticipate they will. 

The only thing I have are memories: our memories. Memories of time spent together. Not "together" but spent at the same place, interacting. It was a secret that I liked her for a little while, but I had a feeling she always knew. And then one day it was out, just like that. *finger snap* Matt likes her.

People seemed surprised, as if I were some sort of robot incapable of feeling. But then all of a sudden they understood. They realized that she meant more to me than just the title of "coworker" bestowed by the job. I knew we could never be, just like she did. It was a total fantasy. I even joked with her that I was going to kidnap her and we were going to run away together to Mexico and live off of the land. Heh, it sounds silly seeing it typed out but when I told her this to her face she smiled. It wasn't a fake smile. I've seen enough of those in my time to know. It was a "you are great...but it will never work" smile. I knew that. But you know what? Sometimes just getting a smile meant the world to me. Hell even if it turned out that it WAS a fake smile, it felt real. And that's all that matters. I will never forget her smile. I will never forget her voice. I will never forget her beauty. I will never forget her personality. Most of all, I will never forget HER. 

<3

Matt 

The Short Answer is: No, it Didn't Mean Anything

I didn't talk directly to my crush today, but I did talk to another server who she is friends with. I mentioned what my crush said and the friend said, "Oh yeah she told me about that. She said that she realized after she said it that she probably gave you high hopes or something."

Indeed, I did have high hopes. I knew it was nothing really, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering 'What If?' 

Also, I know that I really don't mean anything to my crush because she didn't tell me bye when she left today. Which has happened more than once. Obviously I don't mean anything because I'm not on her mind. I'm not on her mind, whereas she is on my mind and in my heart. *le sigh*

Off to job number 2 I go.

-M

P.S. I don't know what the hell happened with the formatting on that last entry. I'm gonna go back later and try to fix it. 

I Could Never Be The Hero; My Fate is Intertwined With Villainy

In my last entry you were made aware that things were happening in my life. But things have changed already...

So the girl I have waited 7 years for, has changed her mind. It was that quick. We didn't even do anything. She just came to the realization that she hated all of my friends (and they her) and so it wouldn't work out. Can't argue there. Especially when I tried to honestly think about how it would be and came to the conclusion that she parties way too hard. That's not the type of woman I want. 

Speaking of the type of woman I DO want....my crush at work said something on friday that made my heart melt. It was absolutely touching. I had gotten into it with another server and told my crush about it. Apparently she went and told the other server "What did you do to MY Matthew?" *swoons* Can you believe it? I haven't been called someone's anything in a long time. I don't even know the story or meaning behind it or anything. She is being real coy. I was planning on asking her yesterday when she got off of work, but she left in a real hurry. Not sure if it was because she was tired or because people were teasing her about it. If it was the teasing I'm gonna be pissed. Why can't a girl like me? It's not like I've spent the last 2 years flirting with her and getting to know her as much as I can. Fuck. If people are teasing her for having feelings for me I honestly think I am going to lose my shit. Fuck people for that. *le sigh*

I don't know. I mean it's not like she is going to leave her boyfriend for me or anything. And it’s not like I am in any position to take care of her and her son in the really unlikely scenario that she does. *le sigh*

According to my parents we might end up staying in SA. I have some decisions to make, but I think I might still end up in North Carolina, should my friend be okay with it.  

I guess that’s it for now.

-M

Life's Finally Happening...a little too late

It would appear that I am on my way out of San Antonio. It's not a foregone conclusion, yet. But it does appear that way. My parents' house is about to be foreclosed on and I don't have the money to take over the lease/mortgage or whatever. 

I talked to one of my friends (he's probably my best friend, but I'm not sure if he would classify me in the same way) about staying with him....in North Carolina. He's down. I think a change of scenery might do me some good. Lord knows the bitches here in SA don't know what they are missing in regards to me. lol. 

Speaking of....she's finally come around. The woman that I have liked for a long time finally thinks of me in a romantic sense. I've ruined friendships for this woman. I've waited and waited and waited. And now, NOW, at all periods in my life for this to happen, she finally tells me that she feels like we have Chemistry. *le sigh*

It's all too much. How am I supposed to make all of these potentially life changing decisions? And in less than 2 weeks?? Oh.My.God. I don't know. I just don't know...


I have to head to work. Confused as hell. 

-M

I have this condition.....I've told you this before haven't I?

"Only every time I see ya!"

From Memento, one of the best films ever. And this was before everyone was on Christopher Nolan's nuts because of Batman. 

Anyway, I was wondering if I might be crazy. Like, need to see a shrink style crazy. Obviously I'm not physically hurting myself or anyone else but I have such a problem with life. As I have noted in this blog before, I have a problem with going from wanting to live and get the most out of life, to just wanting whatever the hell it is that is bothering me to just take me out. And I flip flop on this issue on a whim. Recently my stance was that I wanted to better myself and make a great life, but being so fucking tired all the time pretty much made that impossible. I TRIED, I honestly gave it a shot but I came away with nothing. Just yesterday I thought to myself, "Fuck it. Just kill me already." I'm not talking suicide or about taking my own life, but since I've disregarded whatever the hell disease/condition I have that has been bothering me since at least 2008, I am talking about that killing me. 

I found out the girl I've been texting and stuff is only 22. I don't know why I thought she was 24, but the fact that she didn't understand a lot of my references now makes sense. She asked me if it was a problem and I told her no. I mean she wouldn't even be the youngest person in the group were we to progress to that point. She invited me to something on March 16th, but then told me that we have to meet in person first....and proceeded to not make any plans for that. *le sigh* I know she is nervous, (she told me so) but I don't have scales or a tail or something. She really needs to just get it over with. Meh.

Oh so my latest scheme? Gonna try and learn to draw, in the hopes that I can become a web-comic. lololol. Good luck with THAT! I'm stupid.

-M

2013 already? More disappointment in store, I'm sure

It is now 18 days into the new year and I have yet to feel/see any changes other than the date. Everyone always says something great will happen, and yadda this and yadda that, but it is all horseshit. I talked to my brother during Christmas and he was talking to me about "when you get married and have kids" and all this other shit. I tried to explain to him that that was not going to happen, but he said that it would eventually or whatever. For fucks sake man, if I am giving up on it, then so should you. Quit trying to make me having a normal or happy life happen. It's not going to. 

In other news, 

We are now in the feeling out process. By we I mean me and a girl that I've been talking to from craigslist. Yes the same craigslist that I said I couldn't get a girl to like me from. I have never met this girl, yet we've been in communication since November. I barely saw a picture of her like last week, even though I sent my pics waaaay back in the first email. Such is life. I've been wanting to meet so that I can know if I am wasting my time or not. She on the other hand is apparently enjoying the ride regardless and could care less about seeing me in person. I guess if our appearances were reversed then I'd probably feel the same way too. *shrugs* I dunno. I guess the texting every day thing is nice. I kinda miss not having someone that was interested in my every day life. And while I doubt the sincerity of her interest, the feigning of concern is good enough. I am through trying to meet her though. Balls in her court on that one.

So I've been hearing my mom coughing a lot lately. It's not good. It sounds like the coughing of my neighbor that I had when I was younger who died from lung cancer caused by cigarettes. If I close my eyes and just listen to the noise it sounds damn near identical. I don't want to think about losing a parent at this day and age. It was almost at this point last year when my father had a heart attack. I was scared of losing him then and the thought of either one of my parents passing right now is not something I want to think about. Why did my family have to be so fucked up? How come my brother was the only one to make it out okay? Why do I always let my emotions get the better of me? 

I have no answers to these questions. Only more questions to put on top. Until next time.

-M