Believe it or not I actually came up with that quote during one of my many 'lost in thought' moments at work. I was thinking about how a lot of my dreams recently have been actually about things that are going on in my life as opposed to the random, freak occurrences, and nonsensical nonsense (cheap plug!) that normally occurs.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Quotent Quotables
"Dreams are supposed to be a place for weirdness and unique activity, not an extension of my tormented existence."
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I've taken steps...and some info from Wikipedia
Today is June 21st. One day after my birthday. I bet you are all wondering about the progress on that "deadline" that I set for myself. No? Well to be honest I bet you probably forgot, but the gist of it is basically that if I didn't find a girlfriend by my b-day this year that I would give up my search for a woman completely.
So did I manage to land a girlfriend/significant other? If you don't already know the answer to this then you are probably retarded. However, just in case there does need to be some clarification, no, I didn't. What does that mean in the long run? Probably nothing to any of you, (I always talk as if people are actually reading this stuff. Delusional, I tells ya!) but I have already taken the first "step" if you will: I deleted my okcupid profile.
I've been on OkCupid for over a year. Hell it might have even been 2 years by this point. Did it do anything for me? Well it allowed me to connect with an old friend, but that did more damage to my psyche and overall mental health than anything else, so I can't say that anything positive ever came from being on it. I sent a lot of messages and got very minimal responses. I met up with one girl from there but I mentioned that already in a previous entry. I can honestly say that nothing good came from being on the site. Positive step in deleting it? Maybe.
It really sucks that I am only a friend to so many. I think I should have lowered my standards and went for women that I had no real romantic interest in. Some affection is better than no affection right? *shrugs* If I actually believe that though then I never would have broken up with my last girlfriend. But I did, so that shows you what I really think. I'm a walking contradiction. I say one thing but do something else. It happens more than I normally care to admit. But no one reads this shit anyway so who cares right?
The best way I can describe my life is that it's an almost endless stream of depression interrupted every now and then by occasional bouts of happiness or feelings of normality.
Reading a thread on reddit one day, I came across this article:
I used to feel this. A lot. In fact, I actually talked to my friend "N" about this one time and he just laughed at me. Wikipedia wasn't around back then (I was probably about 13 or so) so I had no way of backing up my claims. My friend and his brother just thought I was weird. I mean, I AM weird, but that is besides the point.
It is a wonderful world we live in where information is so freely available. It is almost hard to imagine living without a smart phone and all of its wonderful technology. It is crazy to think about where we might be in 10 years or so. Who knows?
One thing is for certain...I'll be single. :-P
-M
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Random Thoughts
I have a few different things to say, but I'm not entirely sure I can or will put my thoughts here. An attempt will be made but promises are not guaranteed. lol.
The more time I spend with a certain co-worker, the more I feel myself falling in love with her. Before I go any further, let me mention the fact that this is the "platonic" friend that I mentioned in a previous post. I know that there will probably only ever been that platonic feeling on her end, but I find myself imagining a world where we could have some sort of future together. (I'm sure the phrasing of what I am about to say is going to come out all sorts of fucked up, but I can't think of a different way to put it) The problem is that this girl is "stuck" in a bad relationship. She has a kid with a guy who doesn't seem to really give a shit about her. He makes HER work, treats her like crap from what she tells me, and she just puts up with everything. The latest disaster? He wrecked her car. Is he going to pay for it? Hell no. With what money? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. So now she is carless, because of him. And you know what else? Their child is about to be 2 and are they going to get married or anything? Nope. He is her "boyfriend" and that's it. He is overprotective of her apparently because the two of us can't even be friends on facebook due to his level of jealousy. Ugh. I don't see how you can go from seemingly not giving a single fuck about her to wanted to guard her with your life so seamlessly. Wait, on second thought yes I can; he doesn't want to lose his meal ticket. Why would he risk losing her when she is basically supporting him? *shakes head*
When conversing with her today (we got to spend about 2 wonderful and glorious hours together) I wanted to tell her: "Look, if you are still in the situation you are in now when I am an engineer and have money I will marry you and take care of you." But not wanting to sound like a creep I chose not to say that. lol. Plus like I mentioned, the whole platonic thing. What's weird is that I can almost feel her starting to like me as more than a friend, but it is like she knows and understands that she can't allow herself to like me because of Douche McGee controlling her life. :(
Going in another direction, I spent some time with _ _ _ _ last night. It was amazing. If I could tell the world about her/us I would. But the details might make a lot of people look at me funny. So instead I will be as enigmatic as possible. If anyone knew the reality of it though? Maaaaaaaan. Let's just say that I would get a lot more "props" and respect or whatever than I do at this current juncture. Anyway, as I left last night she told me that she would try to call me on my birthday. Somehow I doubt it, but if she does then that's awesome.
Thinking about how my life has changed in the past two years, I realized something. I've withdrawn a lot of sharing things with people. Is it weird that none of my "true" friends actually know much about my life? I have ONE person in my life that I have never held anything back from, and he doesn't say shit to anyone. You know why? Because he doesn't know my other friends. No reason to say anything. He's my ninja, for life. I was thinking about this the other night before I went to sleep actually...I can and do vent to him about anything and everything. He listens and comments. Basically the truest and most badass friend I have had in a long time. He is definitely the closest thing to a "best" friend I've had in about 5 years. And he is leaving in October to go to another state. *le sigh*
The only constant in my entire life has been the words that I've written to the various diaries/journals/websites/etc. that I've had over the years. I can honestly say that I've been "blogging" on and off for 10 years now. Definitely before it became the cool/money-making thing it is now. Meh. (If only I had capitalized on blogging way back when. DAMMIT!)
****
I will be 28 in 4 days. This is how I feel:
The more time I spend with a certain co-worker, the more I feel myself falling in love with her. Before I go any further, let me mention the fact that this is the "platonic" friend that I mentioned in a previous post. I know that there will probably only ever been that platonic feeling on her end, but I find myself imagining a world where we could have some sort of future together. (I'm sure the phrasing of what I am about to say is going to come out all sorts of fucked up, but I can't think of a different way to put it) The problem is that this girl is "stuck" in a bad relationship. She has a kid with a guy who doesn't seem to really give a shit about her. He makes HER work, treats her like crap from what she tells me, and she just puts up with everything. The latest disaster? He wrecked her car. Is he going to pay for it? Hell no. With what money? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. So now she is carless, because of him. And you know what else? Their child is about to be 2 and are they going to get married or anything? Nope. He is her "boyfriend" and that's it. He is overprotective of her apparently because the two of us can't even be friends on facebook due to his level of jealousy. Ugh. I don't see how you can go from seemingly not giving a single fuck about her to wanted to guard her with your life so seamlessly. Wait, on second thought yes I can; he doesn't want to lose his meal ticket. Why would he risk losing her when she is basically supporting him? *shakes head*
When conversing with her today (we got to spend about 2 wonderful and glorious hours together) I wanted to tell her: "Look, if you are still in the situation you are in now when I am an engineer and have money I will marry you and take care of you." But not wanting to sound like a creep I chose not to say that. lol. Plus like I mentioned, the whole platonic thing. What's weird is that I can almost feel her starting to like me as more than a friend, but it is like she knows and understands that she can't allow herself to like me because of Douche McGee controlling her life. :(
Going in another direction, I spent some time with _ _ _ _ last night. It was amazing. If I could tell the world about her/us I would. But the details might make a lot of people look at me funny. So instead I will be as enigmatic as possible. If anyone knew the reality of it though? Maaaaaaaan. Let's just say that I would get a lot more "props" and respect or whatever than I do at this current juncture. Anyway, as I left last night she told me that she would try to call me on my birthday. Somehow I doubt it, but if she does then that's awesome.
Thinking about how my life has changed in the past two years, I realized something. I've withdrawn a lot of sharing things with people. Is it weird that none of my "true" friends actually know much about my life? I have ONE person in my life that I have never held anything back from, and he doesn't say shit to anyone. You know why? Because he doesn't know my other friends. No reason to say anything. He's my ninja, for life. I was thinking about this the other night before I went to sleep actually...I can and do vent to him about anything and everything. He listens and comments. Basically the truest and most badass friend I have had in a long time. He is definitely the closest thing to a "best" friend I've had in about 5 years. And he is leaving in October to go to another state. *le sigh*
The only constant in my entire life has been the words that I've written to the various diaries/journals/websites/etc. that I've had over the years. I can honestly say that I've been "blogging" on and off for 10 years now. Definitely before it became the cool/money-making thing it is now. Meh. (If only I had capitalized on blogging way back when. DAMMIT!)
****
I will be 28 in 4 days. This is how I feel:
Friday, June 8, 2012
12 Days
Twelve days.....less than 2 weeks before I resign myself to the single life. Has there been ANY progress in my woman search?
None. So little in fact, I think I might actually be moving backwards.
I've up'ed the ante in terms of searching, but still no dice. (Gambling fetish much?)
There's really nothing else to say. I'm still on consistent pain. It sucks. I have to get ready for work. More later maybe.
-M
None. So little in fact, I think I might actually be moving backwards.
I've up'ed the ante in terms of searching, but still no dice. (Gambling fetish much?)
There's really nothing else to say. I'm still on consistent pain. It sucks. I have to get ready for work. More later maybe.
-M
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