More Sadness Than Anything

Always I have these grand schemes about doing things and being productive. I decide that I want to not waste time and all this....but sure enough, time is wasted. I'm such a lazy bastard. And that's not a "haha he is making fun of himself" thing. It's a "seriously what a motherfucking piece of garbage" thing. Gah. I don't know what is wrong with me. I go from wanting to work out and lose weight and all this to just saying FUCK IT and not caring. 

I fluctuate from wanting to live my life to the fullest and then resigning myself to the fate that I have assigned myself. I feel worse than I have in a while in regard to whatever the fuck is bothering me. I go from wanting to be relieved of my torture on this planet, to wishing for eternal happiness. This, THIS is why I have yet to get a tattoo. I have no earthly IDEA what the hell I would put on my body that I wouldn't get absolutely sick of. Doubt it will ever happen. 

The only thing that even comes to mind is something Funeral for a Friend related. The Isaac told me "You don't actually love FFAF, you love the idea of FFAF" to which I replied that he was full of shit. FFAF fucking rules and I will say/defend that idea until the day I pass....however soon that actually occurs. 

I can say without a shred of doubt that I now love my crush at work. She is aware of the fact that I like her, but I don't think she knows I love her. Her smile, her eyes, her hair, her voice. I love all of it. I want to just hug her and never EVER let go. I know that will never happen. She and I are not meant to be. The only way she would leave her situation is if I could take care of her, and that isn't the case at the moment. I know she would work, don't get me wrong. She is a damn hard worker, I've seen it. But the fact that she is essentially providing for herself, her son and her lazy douche-hat of a boyfriend tells me that I would have to offer her something substantial to get her to leave that situation. And I'm in no position to do so. The song "Something I can Never Have" is an accurate description of how I feel about it. 

I've been watching season 8 of Scrubs and tearing up. It is rare for me to cry about things in real life, but I have no problem crying with characters on tv or in movies that I have grown attached to. I guess seeing characters on TV being happy in relationships makes me emotional due to my own loneliness. Even the other single girl in our group is talking to someone now. Aside from the other single guy's retardedness (he could have had the single girl if he wanted), I'm the only one struggling with meeting and finding someone. I feel lonely and pathetic. I put up ads on craigslist and get some decent responses but then things either fizzle out completely or I send pics and then they don't say SHIT after that. I have to learn to accept the fact that I am an ugly, overweight slob, who can't even get girls on craigslist, fucking CRAIGSLIST interested in him. *le sigh*

Worthless. And yet I can't say anything about it because then I'm being "too emo" and my complaining is "very annoying" to people. Whatever. That's what this is for. This blog is my journal/diary/therapist. (Not "A-nal-rapist" though. I'm watching you Tobias.)

I like how only me or someone as nerdy as me would fully understand my blog. That works for me. Whatevs.

This has gone all over the place so I will just stop here. Until next time.

-M

Outside Happy. Inside Angry and Bitter

Today I learned: that "fairly quick" means 30 minutes or more.

Friend (9:32):

Making a quick HEB run...should be fairly quick...

Friend (10:04):

About to leave HEB

I really don't understand some people, especially this guy. It's as if he not only doesn't think about others, but if in the off chance that he does think about others that he just doesn't give TWO FUCKS. This mofo knows I work early. Well he SHOULD. He probably doesn't, because he's who/the way he is. Asshat. 

I want to let people know that I'm pissed off/bitter/depressed/angry, but I know that no one wants to hear it. Who does? Especially at this time of the year (holidays). So instead I have chosen this as my outlet. To everyone else I will appear happy or at least NOT sad. lmao. But that isn't the case. I couldn't be worse off. I feel like crap. I'm depressed and the holidays bring out the worst because I want to have someone. I know that I don't deserve someone, but that doesn't mean I don't want them. Ya know? Meh. 

I have to go make a social appearance. I might be back later but I doubt it. *shrugs*

-M

Drifting on through...

Listening to "The Megas" Inspired This

I know I said that maybe this time I will check in with good news. I have none. Are you actually surprised though? I doubt it. Okay well I take that back. I have a small bit of good news. I have a week off from hell, which started yesterday and is already going by super fast. I hope I manage to accomplish something. (Don't bet on it though.)

In the lady front, no news. Had a bit of awkwardness last week at a party when a friend's girlfriend told a different mutual friend to tell me that she "misses" me. Not sure if the friend knows his girlfriend said that or whatever so I didn't even bother to bring it up. Not entirely sure how I feel about it. If for some strange reason she liked me and he was actually cool with letting her pursue that interest I know nothing would come from it. This is going to sound like 'the pot calling the kettle black' but goddamn is she fucking weird. lol. I know everyone else in the group says they like her, but she gets on my nerves like 95% of the time. But that's neither here nor there. 

I haven't run in a while. I need to get back on it. I've already slipped back into my old habit of not continuing something that I started. This is what scares me about the business ideas that I have/had. I grow tired of shit too easily. One of the many reasons I haven't gotten a tattoo. 

I didn't get to see my crush at all this past weekend. I only worked on friday and then went to Ren Fest on saturday and didn't work on sunday either. I won't see her until Thanksgiving. Hopefully she hasn't forgotten about me. lol.

I wanted to start making bead sprites with the intent of selling them on etsy, but I don't think I'm going to. Might be too much of an initial investment. I actually don't know though. 

Guess that's it for now. Gotta get ready for a geekfest with the fellas. Until whenever.

-M

"HOW MANY FRIENDS CAN I LOSE, BEFORE IT ALL MAKES SENSE?" 

Bittersweet

Borderlands 2 has indeed captured my attention as of late (like I knew it would). It's been over a month since I've written anything here, so let's try and recap.

The throat pain went away just as mysteriously as it appeared. No clue as to what the deal was there.

I started "jogging" when I got my new phone. Mostly it's a "jog for as far as you can before you get winded and then start walking"-kind of thing, but I was fairly consistent with it. This week I've been slacking though. A random mid-week geekfest combined with general laziness is to blame there. 

I've coupled this walking/jogging with eating healthier. I couldn't believe it at first but I actually did start feeling better. How come I wasn't informed of this sooner? I had heard the "put junk in get junk out" type of theory in the past but I always thought it was just something that people said to try and dissuade others from consuming too much junk food. Little did I know that the opposite was also true: put good things in, and good things come out! Weird!!! lol. 

So in between jogging and eating better I have felt pretty awesome, even despite whatever it is that is fucking bothering me. But today...I've felt the worst I've felt in a while. I DID eat like crap yesterday, so who knows? *think healthier, live healthier*

Work has been super horrible until the thursday that just passed. (The 18th? Too lazy to check right now.) One of my best friends who I met working there just left Texas to return to Maryland. I haz a sad. That, combined with the fact that the GM is an incompetent retard makes for a hard situation. They are cutting hours and it sucks bad. Definitely need to be on the look out for a new job. 

Oh! Something happened with my crush at work....but not anything really worthwhile. (Sorry to get your hopes up.) Anyway, one day I went in and one of the other servers that I am friends with was like:

 "Hey Matthew, did you know that (blank) said she would date you?" 

I did not. This was not something that had made its way to me since I am only there 3 days a week. 

So I asked for more details and the server said that my crush basically told her: 

"Yeah, I'd date Matthew....if I didn't already have a boyfriend."

F.M.L. *le sigh* Not only does the woman I like actually like me, but she said she would date me!!.....were it not for the lazy asshat who impregnated her 4 years ago. God.Damn.It.

There's only one thing that came to mind (other than the cursing of course) when I found this out and that is how bittersweet it is. And when you think of bittersweet, you HAVE to think of this:

I'm out. Maybe I will have good news next time.

-M

Unexplained Throat Pain

Right now, 8:16pm on Saturday September 15th, 2012, my throat hurts for some unknown reason. It would appear that whatever is ailing me is slowly making its way from my abdomen (point of origin) towards my head? I dunno. Most of the pain that I feel lately has been in my chest, either towards the right or the left (it varies). But as of like 5 mins ago I started having throat pains. Interesting stuff indeed. Will I die of throat cancer? That would be weird. Out of ALL of the various pains and ailments, dying from something in my throat? That would be fucked up. Jesus man. I really hope I don't die tonight. Or anytime soon actually. Mostly because I would love to see my crush a few more times. I didn't get to see her today and won't get to see her tomorrow either since she is on vacation at work. Boo. :( I haz a sad. 

Everyone at work was joking that I would be finished really early since she wasn't there. Haha, fuck ya'll. lol. She makes me happy. How can you talk shit about something that makes a dying man happy? Probably because no one knows about whatever the hell it is that is bothering me. *shrugs* 

Been listening to a lot of Papa Roach recently. My friend Daniel brought them up during a conversation and I had forgotten how good they are. Pretty sure they would make the top 10 of favorite bands with more than 3 albums. Yeah, maybe even top 5. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. Borderlands 2 comes out on tuesday. I might be away for a whilllllllllllle. lol. 

Take it easy.

-M

 

Making an effort to change

Nothing new to report in the lady department. No prospects or anything. My crush at work and I have been joking around/flirting a bit more than usual, but that's it. She makes me smile but nothing will ever happen. Both of our lives are probably better because of that, but who knows? Maybe THIS is the darkest timeline. I am Evil Matt? (Community reference, in case you didn't know.)

I've been going though this internal debate regarding whether or not to make another OKCupid profile. I know, I'm an asshole. "What happened to your goal/promise?", you might be asking. Well, I honestly didn't even expect to be here right now. As much as whatever it is that is bothering me is annoying me, I'm only human. I have wants and desires. I want a woman. I desire one that I can spend my life with. And since I'm not one to go out to places, online dating seems like my only chance to meet women. Craigslist = teh suck. I do miss certain things about _ i _a though. Our time together wasn't ALL bad. 

But I digress.

I've been on a dubstep kick for a while now. Someone linked to the song "Boring Bitches" by Etta Bond & Raf Riley in a thread on Reddit and I couldn't stop listening to it. I went and downloaded "The Emergency Room EP" by Etta and Raf and it's awesome. Etta Bond is British and man is her voice sultry as hell. I haven't been this much in love with a British woman since the Spice Girls. lol. 

Have I mentioned that I shaved my head? Not sure if I said anything about that yet. Someone on facebook commented on my picture and said, "Slow down American History X!" lol. Yeah so I've been rolling with a bald head for a while now. Just shaved off my goatee today. Looking for a change, ya know? *shrugs*

Oh and I've been trying REALLY hard (for serious) to stay positive about everything lately. New attitude, if you will. It's been difficult, but I think I'm doing alright with it. 

I guess that's about it. Gotta get ready for work and whatnot. Be easy!

-M

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I went out to the country bar...AGAIN. Was the outcome different? Not a damn chance. I am insane. Absolutely, retardedly, insane. 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Google it. People think it is attributed to Einstein. I don't think that is the case, but it sounds good anyway. 

So I went to the bar because friend #1 originally said, "Oh that girl you like TOLD ME to invite you." Cool, I should probably go. Then as the day rolls around, I start to feel like I shouldn't go. Suddenly friend #1 says, "Oh if you don't go, that girl will have to pay for a cab home because I'm not leaving there early. I'm gonna be with my other friends as well!"

Talk about putting a guy on the spot. In order to not be seen as an asshole, I decide to go even though by this point I am thoroughly convinced it is a bad idea. 

What ends up happening? Girl I like is a brick wall. A brick. Fucking. Wall. 

Can't talk to her for shit. After a few drinks she FINALLY opens up about how the other two girls that friend #1 brought weren't part of the plan and sprung on her last minute. I can see how that would upset her, so I'm not too bothered by her being mad anymore. But remember the whole thing about me giving her a ride home? Well she didn't seem to keen on the idea. When I decided to split at 1am, she decided to stay and would go home with friend #1.

Oh.My.Fucking.God. Why did I even go in the first place????

This is why the title of this entry is what it is. I am such a fool. I should have followed my instincts and not gone. Life lesson: ALWAYS trust your instincts.

-M 

Why do I even try?

Last night I went out to a country bar. The collective gasp that echos from anyone that knows me is probably really loud right about now. I can't stand country music. I can only tolerate about 3 songs total, and that's it....so why in HELL would I go to a country bar? Because a friend was introducing me to another friend in the hopes of setting us up. I should have known that it was too good to be true.

I should have just went over and played WWE '12 like the original plan. But I had to let that stupid thing called "hope" have a chance. So I went to this place to meet the friend of my friend. She was amazing, no doubt. Did I have delusions of a potential future? Yes. Should I have? Of course not. 


The same story over and over. History repeating, if you will. 

Apparently the friend's friend just got out of a 2 year relationship and isn't interested in dating. I KNEW I shouldn't have gone out. I fucking knew it. But yet I keep thinking that someday something good will happen in my life. I have no idea why I keep thinking this, but I do. Maybe I've seen too many television shows and movies that have happy endings to think that my own life could really be this shitty and that something good *fingerscrossed* "could" happen to me. Bullshit. I'm so disappointed in myself. *le sigh*

Anyway,

Today I noticed an "ouch that hurts" pain on the right side of my chest, right underneath my breast. I have no fucking clue why it hurts, but it does. Only to the touch, but still. How long has it been like that? I'm telling you...something is going to give sooner rather than later. :(

Well, I work early in the morning so I'm probably going to go and do something else unproductive until I decide to go to sleep. 

Drawing Closer to the End (jumping around as I write)

With each passing day it feels like the I am getting closer to the end. It is getting more difficult to sleep each night and the pain is the hardest to ignore it has ever been. 

Right at this moment I have a pain in my back, shoulders and off and on in my chest. If I remember correctly, most of this has been occurring since 2008 but back then it was less frequent and easy to ignore. It would appear that whatever is ailing me has started to take the battle seriously and now has the upperhand. Well, when I am back at my 2nd job I am going to sign up for health insurance as soon as I can and take my ass to the doctor. Not sure when that will actually happen, or if it will be too late, but that is my intent no less. 

I was supposed to have a "date" last sunday with a girl that one of my friends said "only wanted a man who would treat her right." Well if that's all she wanted, I was definitely the man for the job. Well it turns out the whole reason she told my friend that is because she thought she was going to break up with her boyfriend. That did not end up transpiring, and thus she decided to give the lame excuse of not being able to go because she "forgot it was her friend's birthday." I only found out about the boyfriend thing because my friend told me that after we had been drinking. I'm sure he would have rather not said anything, but it is better to know the truth than be left in the dark about something like that. It sucks too because I posted something about the date on facebook and people seemed to be genuinely excited for me. Oh well. I should realize that at this point in time it is basically "too late" for me to meet anyone. The illness has a hold on me anyway, so I would only be letting the other person into my life to have it cut short in the future. Meh. Still, for some reason I try and hold on to hope. It's futile and stupid, but still I try. 

I remain in the funk that I've been in since the start of this year. I felt like I almost made progress with _ _ _ _ _ _ but then my dad's heart attack went and messed everything up. Instead of having dinner with her (that she was cooking no less) and then going to a party with her and my friends I ended up spending most of the night in the hospital. *le sigh* Driving to the hospital I actually passed her place and thought about going to get her, but I decided that it would be too weird. Maybe I should have. Maybe she could have meet my amazing family and seen a different side of me. Who knows? Certainly not me. I wish a lot of things in my life had turned out differently, but this is most recent "folly" that I wish I could go back and undo. Ugh, I fail at life so hard. 

After the date fiasco, I have been pretty silent on facebook. I finally updated my status today to say "having a blast" because I thought it important to put on an air of happiness or normalcy. Was I really having a blast? FUCK no. Far from it. Opposite even. But I need to let people think that I wasn't as affected by it as I really am. Why? Because I don't want to be pitied or empathized with anymore. All I do is talk shit or complain, it just took me this long to realize it. So I will put on a facade of happiness in public and on facebook but still be this empty shell of a person in my real life and in private. 

As sad as it sounds, I am happiest when I am at work and close to her. The quote that most resembles how I feel about her is from Blink182 (and I'm sure I already posted it but whatevs) and it goes: "When you smile, I melt inside. I'm not worthy of a minute of your time. I really wish it was only me and you, I'm jealous of everybody in the room." 

This update seems jumbled to me. It might be because I am listening to dubstep. Or it could be that I'm not at work so my thoughts aren't as coherent as normal. Meh. 

As I write this certain members of my group are eating dinner together and will probably hang out at HIS apartment. I would be there but I am completely broke at this moment. Truth be told I would rather not leave my apartment, but if I had the money then why not? Beats sitting here and writing this blog that no one reads. 

Am I writing my autobiography? Or my obituary? Weird to think about.

-M

One Year Later...She's Married??? +More

I have a confession to make. I haven't given up my girl search entirely. :(


But before you throw stones, hear me out. Please?


My desperation led me to try and contact the one woman who made me genuinely happy within the last year who I actually had a shot with at one point. The Isaac can actually attest to my happiness. When I showed him the pictures of the two of us, I remember him saying something to the effect of:


"Wow man, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy before."


Ever the man for truthiness, he would not be wrong. I had a crush on this girl since middle school...so when the opportunity arose for me to actually have something with her, I not only tried my hardest to make it work, but I was the happiest I've been in recent memory.


Anyway, something happened and she basically fell off the face of the earth. I wanted to try to contact her, but I was under the impression that I fucked up somehow. 


Well I recently decided "What the heck" and sent her an email just to see if she would respond. After two days, she did. And so we added each other on facebook....I went to view her pics and found out she was in a relationship. :(


Boo. Well we started chatting on facebook messenger and it turns out that not only is in a relationship but she is MARRIED. Married. To a guy she's known for less than a year. When I was talking to her she was saying, "Oh I'll never get married again" and all this and here she is, married after a year. *SMMFH*


Meanwhile, one of my female friends has been trying to get one of HER friends to break up with her boyfriend because he sucks and all this. She wants that in order to hook me and the friend up. Or rather she DID want to do this. Over the course of explaining to me that the two of them were in fact breaking up, my friend proceeds to tell me that it's actually a bad idea due to some bad blood between my current group of friends and her. She basically said that she doesn't want to lose her friend to the group and knows that it wouldn't even happen, but just so it doesn't she isn't going to hook us up. Fail.


So in my desperation I put up a few ads on craigslist and have started trying to talk to women again... 

That's all for now.


-M

More of the Same

I've been friendzoned for the umpteenth time. Actually, I've been "familyzoned" instead. The one single girl in the group was at a LAN we were having and she was talking about how she needed to meet new people and get out and date and whatnot when she started naming people she would go out with. She mentioned a few people we knew and then said my name. And I replied with "No you wouldn't" and she agreed. She said "I love you Matt. You are like my brother." *le sigh*


I'm used to the idea of rejection because it happens so much, but that hardly makes it any easier to deal with. 


And then to complicate things even further, she proceeds to tell me that she likes the only OTHER single dude in the group. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Being the "great friend" and practically "brother" that I am, I agree to help her find out if he is interested in her. Begrudgingly I ask him, and I am actually shocked to hear that he isn't. (WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? My mind collectively gasps.) So now not only does she like someone else, but he doesn't like her back. 

What. The. Fuck.

Fate, you are the cruelest of mistresses. My will and resolve is at an all time low at this point. I keep going from one extreme to the other in my head:


One second,"I should lose weight so that girls will be interested in me!" 
The next, "I should just say 'Fuck everything' and continue on my downward spiral!"


Even my brother's wife was asking me about women and stuff when I went over for father's day. She was like, "You should try online dating!" To which I replied that I had been doing that for years now, which I never said anything to anyone about because my efforts have been futile. Thanks for the idea and attempt at encouragement, but it's not like I haven't been trying to find a woman for fucks sake. I know how pathetic it is to be almost 30 without a wife, let alone girlfriend or significant other. Not even having prospects sucks. 


I used to embrace the whole Gemini thing as a positive....but I'm beginning to see the whole 'two-faced' aspect of it as the negative that it actually is. I was under the impression for the longest time that I could get by on just my personality (since obviously my looks aren't/weren't cutting it). But I've come to the realization that I'm wrong. Not only am I an ugly dude, but my personality isn't all it is cracked up to be. (Or what I thought it was.)


Well I have a busy/stupid day tomorrow at work that I need to get rested for, so I'm out. I'll try and update again soon. 


-M

Quotent Quotables

"Dreams are supposed to be a place for weirdness and unique activity, not an extension of my tormented existence."

Believe it or not I actually came up with that quote during one of my many 'lost in thought' moments at work. I was thinking about how a lot of my dreams recently have been actually about things that are going on in my life as opposed to the random, freak occurrences, and nonsensical nonsense (cheap plug!) that normally occurs. 

I've taken steps...and some info from Wikipedia

Today is June 21st. One day after my birthday. I bet you are all wondering about the progress on that "deadline" that I set for myself. No? Well to be honest I bet you probably forgot, but the gist of it is basically that if I didn't find a girlfriend by my b-day this year that I would give up my search for a woman completely. 

So did I manage to land a girlfriend/significant other? If you don't already know the answer to this then you are probably retarded. However, just in case there does need to be some clarification, no, I didn't. What does that mean in the long run? Probably nothing to any of you, (I always talk as if people are actually reading this stuff. Delusional, I tells ya!) but I have already taken the first "step" if you will: I deleted my okcupid profile. 

I've been on OkCupid for over a year. Hell it might have even been 2 years by this point. Did it do anything for me? Well it allowed me to connect with an old friend, but that did more damage to my psyche and overall mental health than anything else, so I can't say that anything positive ever came from being on it. I sent a lot of messages and got very minimal responses. I met up with one girl from there but I mentioned that already in a previous entry. I can honestly say that nothing good came from being on the site. Positive step in deleting it? Maybe. 

It really sucks that I am only a friend to so many. I think I should have lowered my standards and went for women that I had no real romantic interest in. Some affection is better than no affection right? *shrugs* If I actually believe that though then I never would have broken up with my last girlfriend. But I did, so that shows you what I really think. I'm a walking contradiction. I say one thing but do something else. It happens more than I normally care to admit. But no one reads this shit anyway so who cares right?

The best way I can describe my life is that it's an almost endless stream of depression interrupted every now and then by occasional bouts of happiness or feelings of normality. 

Reading a thread on reddit one day, I came across this article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization

I used to feel this. A lot. In fact, I actually talked to my friend "N" about this one time and he just laughed at me. Wikipedia wasn't around back then (I was probably about 13 or so) so I had no way of backing up my claims. My friend and his brother just thought I was weird. I mean, I AM weird, but that is besides the point. 

It is a wonderful world we live in where information is so freely available. It is almost hard to imagine living without a smart phone and all of its wonderful technology. It is crazy to think about where we might be in 10 years or so. Who knows?

One thing is for certain...I'll be single. :-P

-M

Random Thoughts

I have a few different things to say, but I'm not entirely sure I can or will put my thoughts here. An attempt will be made but promises are not guaranteed. lol.


The more time I spend with a certain co-worker, the more I feel myself falling in love with her. Before I go any further, let me mention the fact that this is the "platonic" friend that I mentioned in a previous post. I know that there will probably only ever been that platonic feeling on her end, but I find myself imagining a world where we could have some sort of future together. (I'm sure the phrasing of what I am about to say is going to come out all sorts of fucked up, but I can't think of a different way to put it) The problem is that this girl is "stuck" in a bad relationship. She has a kid with a guy who doesn't seem to really give a shit about her. He makes HER work, treats her like crap from what she tells me, and she just puts up with everything. The latest disaster? He wrecked her car. Is he going to pay for it? Hell no. With what money? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. So now she is carless, because of him. And you know what else? Their child is about to be 2 and are they going to get married or anything? Nope. He is her "boyfriend" and that's it. He is overprotective of her apparently because the two of us can't even be friends on facebook due to his level of jealousy. Ugh. I don't see how you can go from seemingly not giving a single fuck about her to wanted to guard her with your life so seamlessly. Wait, on second thought yes I can; he doesn't want to lose his meal ticket. Why would he risk losing her when she is basically supporting him? *shakes head*


When conversing with her today (we got to spend about 2 wonderful and glorious hours together) I wanted to tell her: "Look, if you are still in the situation you are in now when I am an engineer and have money I will marry you and take care of you." But not wanting to sound like a creep I chose not to say that. lol. Plus like I mentioned, the whole platonic thing. What's weird is that I can almost feel her starting to like me as more than a friend, but it is  like she knows and understands that she can't allow herself to like me because of Douche McGee controlling her life. :(


Going in another direction, I spent some time with _ _ _ _ last night. It was amazing. If I could tell the world about her/us I would. But the details might make a lot of people look at me funny. So instead I will be as enigmatic as possible. If anyone knew the reality of it though? Maaaaaaaan. Let's just say that I would get a lot more "props" and respect or whatever than I do at this current juncture. Anyway, as I left last night she told me that she would try to call me on my birthday. Somehow I doubt it, but if she does then that's awesome.


Thinking about how my life has changed in the past two years, I realized something. I've withdrawn a lot of sharing things with people. Is it weird that none of my "true" friends actually know much about my life? I have ONE person in my life that I have never held anything back from, and he doesn't say shit to anyone. You know why? Because he doesn't know my other friends. No reason to say anything. He's my ninja, for life. I was thinking about this the other night before I went to sleep actually...I can and do vent to him about anything and everything. He listens and comments. Basically the truest and most badass friend I have had in a long time. He is definitely the closest thing to a "best" friend I've had in about 5 years. And he is leaving in October to go to another state. *le sigh*


The only constant in my entire life has been the words that I've written to the various diaries/journals/websites/etc. that I've had over the years. I can honestly say that I've been "blogging" on and off for 10 years now. Definitely before it became the cool/money-making thing it is now. Meh. (If only I had capitalized on blogging way back when. DAMMIT!)


****


I will be 28 in 4 days. This is how I feel:

12 Days

Twelve days.....less than 2 weeks before I resign myself to the single life. Has there been ANY progress in my woman search?


None. So little in fact, I think I might actually be moving backwards. 


I've up'ed the ante in terms of searching, but still no dice. (Gambling fetish much?)


There's really nothing else to say. I'm still on consistent pain. It sucks. I have to get ready for work. More later maybe.


-M

Sickness

There are a lot of things going on with me right now. Currently I am battling a sickness. I'm fairly certain that I picked it up from this girl in my Engineering class, but we didn't make out or anything so it would have to have been from proximity alone. Which I don't think is a problem for diseases anyway though. :-P


Speaking of diseases....whatever it is that ails me (and has for a loooong time now) is progressing. Obviously I'm not sure of this since I can't and most likely won't get checked out by a doctor, but one knows their own body and I know that I feel worse now than I have in a while. Even though I'm losing weight and people are complimenting me on it, it isn't a good thing. At first I actally was doing things in order to make the weight loss happen like eating better and excercising, but for about a month now I haven't actively been doing anything and my weight hasn't really gone up. It fluctuates, but not too a massive degree. One day I will be 225 then 221 the next. I'm pretty much at one would consider "resting" weight. I think that's the term they use in MMA anyway. But yes....the pain started in my chest on the left side, eventually was in the middle and now is almost on the right side. It is getting lower as well. For all I know it could be something with my lungs tied into my current sickness. The thought of "bronchitis" crossed my mind at one point, but I've had that before and I don't feel nearly that bad. *shrugs*

I will try and update again soon. I do have more to say.


-M

I've set a conclusive date for something

I've decided that at this stage in my life, I am ready to settle down. I will turn 28 in June this year and I am still single with no signs of settling down with anyone. This bothers me. A lot. 


When I was 18 I always pictured being married by 27, kids by 30, etc. Now I'm lucky if I will get married before I'm 35. I don't want to be that guy. I don't. 


But I will be him....or worse, if things don't turn out. 


Basically I have imposed upon myself a goal of finding a girlfriend/mate/lover by my 28th birthday. I'm not going to go any more overboard than the usual means of finding a girl, but with a set deadline I know that I might be inclined to try a little harder. Not sure if that is good or bad yet, but we will see. 


So if I am still single by the time the candles on my cake read 2-8, then I will have officially given up on my search to find a woman. I will resign myself to the single life and not worry about it anymore.


Will this change anything? Will anyone care? Will there be enough time (about 3 months or so) to make it happen? 


These questions will be answered in time. Let's see how it goes.


I'll keep you updated.


-M

The Dark Days Are Returning

Lo and behold! It is a new year. (I'm only 20 some odd days off and even later in updating this. Whatevs.)

I can't say that I haven't been thinking about blogging. I think about it a lot actually. The problem lies in the fact that the times in which I think of something witty or great to talk about don't directly correlate with the free time with which my brain is functioning perfectly. What I mean to say is that the free time I do have in order to update this blog with is normally the time when I should be sleeping or resting. Having 2 jobs while going to school is a killer. That's a nice segue-way to the point of this blog entry... 

What the hell am I doing with my life??? I'm 27 years old, still live at home and I work not one but TWO shitty restaurant jobs. I'm overweight and have no love life whatsoever to speak of. 

The romance part has always been difficult for me. Ever since I broke up with the GF of 2 years over a year ago, there hasn't exactly been a steady stream of girls entering my life. To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect things to turn out how they have. (Does anyone ever?) It's a long and complicated story, but the gist of it is that I broke up with the GF because I wasn't getting sex. And not only that, but I broke up with her because I seriously thought (mistake on my part) that I was going to have sex with someone else. Someone from my past who I thought was going to be part of my future. I was so fucking wrong its ridiculous. Not only did I not get sex with this woman EITHER, but she disappeared from the face of the earth! Cell phone turned off (I'm not blocked. I called her # from 3 different phones in order to check. :P), facebook/okcupid profile deleted, doesn't log on to messenger and doesn't respond to emails. Fucking crazy....

So that's the start of the current "slump" I am in. Baseball analogies are normally lost on people that aren't fans, so if that is you I apologize. A slump in baseball means a batter who hasn't gotten a hit in a long while. If you think about it literally, it makes sense as an analogy. *shrugs*

Anyway, so if you count the girl I referenced as the start then let's refer to her as woman 1. So I am 0 for 1 in terms of the dating department last year. This was in the spring/early summer. Nothing new happened until around August. I am so pathetic that I took it upon myself to post an ad on Craigslist looking for love. I was basically calling out all the females in this city who claim to love nerds and all this, when someone like me (clearly a full-fledged, card carrying member of the nerd club) can't find anyone. Well one girl responded and she wasn't all that cute, but we had a lot of things in common. I am in the stage of my life where I am not going for the "OMG hot girl" anymore. I thought by this time in my life I would be married and on my way to starting a family. Again, fucking wrong. 

Regardless, I thought I would give woman 2 a shot since we seemed to get along well. Things were going swimmingly untill....well, I actually don't have any fucking idea what the problem was. We went from being cool and talking one day to absolutely nothing the next. To make matters worse, the bitch had the nerve to come into my workplace and then hide in her hoodie when I went out to approach her. If you want to act like I don't exist, then a good start would be not going to my fucking workplace. Dumbass. She knew I worked there because she had visited me there twice previously. Whatevs, over Bitch 2. 

The setting is now around fall/xmas time. I meet a girl at work and start to catch feelings for her, which seems to be a recurring theme with me. I always fall for the girls who show me any sort of kindness. Most of the time it is my "best friend" (who happens to be female) that it happens with. Other times it is just a girl that I converse with a lot. I will try and explain more on that in a bit, but I want to try and finish this thought first. Ok so the girl at work and I talk a lot and me in all of my stupidity actually believe that there is something there. Hell fucking no. She likes one of my friends, como siempre. *le sigh* He liked her too, so like I ALWAYS DO, I stepped aside to give someone else a shot at happiness. I really am a fucking retard. *slaps self in the face*

Needless to say, I moved out of the way thinking that they could be happy together but somewhere along the way one of them fucked it up. I don't even know all of the details since they both refuse to speak about it, but I do know that she is absolutely swearing off men. Well that is what she is telling me anyway. I let her know I still liked her (even though I was positive she already knew this) and she basically encouraged me to move on and not wait for her because she doesn't know when she will be ready for another relationship. I wasn't specifically bothered by being friend zoned for the Umpteenth time, but I WAS bothered by the fact that she wouldn't give me a straight answer as to why. I asked her if it was because I was fat or stupid or offensive or whatever. My reason for that is because if I know it is something that I will never be able to change, then I can at least move on with knowledge that it was just never meant to be. But when you are basically leading me on and not giving me a straight answer as to why we can't be, that's when shit gets annoying. 

During this whole drama with girl 3, woman 4 enters the picture. I met her via OkCupid. We started talking on AIM and texting and talking on the phone. Well I went to meet her in person and let me tell you....woman are goddamn sneaky bastards when it comes to taking pictures. This woman was either a professional photoshop artist, or just damn clever at finding her best angles because she didn't look anything like her pictures. Ugh. Whatevs, I am going for personality anyway right? Well it didn't go very well in that department either. I couldn't tell if she was nervous around me or just uncomfortable, but the whole time we spent together felt really forced and so I didn't immediately follow up on it. She knew I didn't like her though, as she let me know via txt in the ensuing days. 

So as woman 4 basically says that she is done, woman 3 firmly cements me in the friend zone and tells me to move the fuck on. So that's 0 for 4 in one year. :(

There really is something about me that people don't like. I know that I am extremely quick to anger. My short temper is legendary at work. I used to think that I could get by on just my personality alone, but I've finally begun to realize that that isn't the case. I really need to work on getting in shape. But that is neither here nor there. 

There is one relationship that I have right now that I can honestly say that I never thought I would have: a plutonic one. There is this girl that works at the newer of my two jobs that makes me absolutely happy and we have no feelings for each other in any way other than friendship. She is happily in a relationship with a child and I respect that. I can't say I wouldn't try to pursue her if she were single, but it's just not about that with us. I go into work and if she is there I am happy and smiling. If she's not, I am quiet and keep to myself. I don't know how it is for her obviously, but we enjoy talking to one another and I genuinely do appreciate her. I got her a card for xmas just as a way of saying thank you for being friends with a dude like me. *shrugs*

I dunno. 

The title of this entry is referring to a time period in my life a few years ago when I was deeply depressed. I had got out of a relationship, kicked out of grad school, no car, no job, and things were super shitty. I wished death upon myself. I prayed for it. Of course god being god he is either granting me my wish very slowly, or isn't. I guess we will see in the future eh? But yeah, I feel that depression creeping back up on me. After going 0 and 4 in the relationship department and no prospects on the horizon, I just feel like I'm wasting my life. I need to get my own place and get out and find random girls to screw. I need to get so shitfaced that I sleep through one of my shifts and get fired. I need to fucking live my life.....but I can't. I am so screwed that I am forced to stay here. I am forced to work 2 jobs to pay bills because I'm not a smart enough man to not buy shit with my credit cards. I'm not smart enough to have gotten a degree actually worth a damn in the first place. I'm not smart enough to figure a way out. I guess if you consider spending another 5 years in school and putting myself further into debt a way out then alright. 

Maybe I should sell all of my shit in order to pay my bills and then work on getting the fuck out of my parents house and go from there. It might be a start. 

Who knows. 

Until next time...

-M