Bittersweet

Borderlands 2 has indeed captured my attention as of late (like I knew it would). It's been over a month since I've written anything here, so let's try and recap.

The throat pain went away just as mysteriously as it appeared. No clue as to what the deal was there.

I started "jogging" when I got my new phone. Mostly it's a "jog for as far as you can before you get winded and then start walking"-kind of thing, but I was fairly consistent with it. This week I've been slacking though. A random mid-week geekfest combined with general laziness is to blame there. 

I've coupled this walking/jogging with eating healthier. I couldn't believe it at first but I actually did start feeling better. How come I wasn't informed of this sooner? I had heard the "put junk in get junk out" type of theory in the past but I always thought it was just something that people said to try and dissuade others from consuming too much junk food. Little did I know that the opposite was also true: put good things in, and good things come out! Weird!!! lol. 

So in between jogging and eating better I have felt pretty awesome, even despite whatever it is that is fucking bothering me. But today...I've felt the worst I've felt in a while. I DID eat like crap yesterday, so who knows? *think healthier, live healthier*

Work has been super horrible until the thursday that just passed. (The 18th? Too lazy to check right now.) One of my best friends who I met working there just left Texas to return to Maryland. I haz a sad. That, combined with the fact that the GM is an incompetent retard makes for a hard situation. They are cutting hours and it sucks bad. Definitely need to be on the look out for a new job. 

Oh! Something happened with my crush at work....but not anything really worthwhile. (Sorry to get your hopes up.) Anyway, one day I went in and one of the other servers that I am friends with was like:

 "Hey Matthew, did you know that (blank) said she would date you?" 

I did not. This was not something that had made its way to me since I am only there 3 days a week. 

So I asked for more details and the server said that my crush basically told her: 

"Yeah, I'd date Matthew....if I didn't already have a boyfriend."

F.M.L. *le sigh* Not only does the woman I like actually like me, but she said she would date me!!.....were it not for the lazy asshat who impregnated her 4 years ago. God.Damn.It.

There's only one thing that came to mind (other than the cursing of course) when I found this out and that is how bittersweet it is. And when you think of bittersweet, you HAVE to think of this:

I'm out. Maybe I will have good news next time.

-M

Unexplained Throat Pain

Right now, 8:16pm on Saturday September 15th, 2012, my throat hurts for some unknown reason. It would appear that whatever is ailing me is slowly making its way from my abdomen (point of origin) towards my head? I dunno. Most of the pain that I feel lately has been in my chest, either towards the right or the left (it varies). But as of like 5 mins ago I started having throat pains. Interesting stuff indeed. Will I die of throat cancer? That would be weird. Out of ALL of the various pains and ailments, dying from something in my throat? That would be fucked up. Jesus man. I really hope I don't die tonight. Or anytime soon actually. Mostly because I would love to see my crush a few more times. I didn't get to see her today and won't get to see her tomorrow either since she is on vacation at work. Boo. :( I haz a sad. 

Everyone at work was joking that I would be finished really early since she wasn't there. Haha, fuck ya'll. lol. She makes me happy. How can you talk shit about something that makes a dying man happy? Probably because no one knows about whatever the hell it is that is bothering me. *shrugs* 

Been listening to a lot of Papa Roach recently. My friend Daniel brought them up during a conversation and I had forgotten how good they are. Pretty sure they would make the top 10 of favorite bands with more than 3 albums. Yeah, maybe even top 5. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. Borderlands 2 comes out on tuesday. I might be away for a whilllllllllllle. lol. 

Take it easy.

-M

 

Making an effort to change

Nothing new to report in the lady department. No prospects or anything. My crush at work and I have been joking around/flirting a bit more than usual, but that's it. She makes me smile but nothing will ever happen. Both of our lives are probably better because of that, but who knows? Maybe THIS is the darkest timeline. I am Evil Matt? (Community reference, in case you didn't know.)

I've been going though this internal debate regarding whether or not to make another OKCupid profile. I know, I'm an asshole. "What happened to your goal/promise?", you might be asking. Well, I honestly didn't even expect to be here right now. As much as whatever it is that is bothering me is annoying me, I'm only human. I have wants and desires. I want a woman. I desire one that I can spend my life with. And since I'm not one to go out to places, online dating seems like my only chance to meet women. Craigslist = teh suck. I do miss certain things about _ i _a though. Our time together wasn't ALL bad. 

But I digress.

I've been on a dubstep kick for a while now. Someone linked to the song "Boring Bitches" by Etta Bond & Raf Riley in a thread on Reddit and I couldn't stop listening to it. I went and downloaded "The Emergency Room EP" by Etta and Raf and it's awesome. Etta Bond is British and man is her voice sultry as hell. I haven't been this much in love with a British woman since the Spice Girls. lol. 

Have I mentioned that I shaved my head? Not sure if I said anything about that yet. Someone on facebook commented on my picture and said, "Slow down American History X!" lol. Yeah so I've been rolling with a bald head for a while now. Just shaved off my goatee today. Looking for a change, ya know? *shrugs*

Oh and I've been trying REALLY hard (for serious) to stay positive about everything lately. New attitude, if you will. It's been difficult, but I think I'm doing alright with it. 

I guess that's about it. Gotta get ready for work and whatnot. Be easy!

-M

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I went out to the country bar...AGAIN. Was the outcome different? Not a damn chance. I am insane. Absolutely, retardedly, insane. 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Google it. People think it is attributed to Einstein. I don't think that is the case, but it sounds good anyway. 

So I went to the bar because friend #1 originally said, "Oh that girl you like TOLD ME to invite you." Cool, I should probably go. Then as the day rolls around, I start to feel like I shouldn't go. Suddenly friend #1 says, "Oh if you don't go, that girl will have to pay for a cab home because I'm not leaving there early. I'm gonna be with my other friends as well!"

Talk about putting a guy on the spot. In order to not be seen as an asshole, I decide to go even though by this point I am thoroughly convinced it is a bad idea. 

What ends up happening? Girl I like is a brick wall. A brick. Fucking. Wall. 

Can't talk to her for shit. After a few drinks she FINALLY opens up about how the other two girls that friend #1 brought weren't part of the plan and sprung on her last minute. I can see how that would upset her, so I'm not too bothered by her being mad anymore. But remember the whole thing about me giving her a ride home? Well she didn't seem to keen on the idea. When I decided to split at 1am, she decided to stay and would go home with friend #1.

Oh.My.Fucking.God. Why did I even go in the first place????

This is why the title of this entry is what it is. I am such a fool. I should have followed my instincts and not gone. Life lesson: ALWAYS trust your instincts.

-M 

Why do I even try?

Last night I went out to a country bar. The collective gasp that echos from anyone that knows me is probably really loud right about now. I can't stand country music. I can only tolerate about 3 songs total, and that's it....so why in HELL would I go to a country bar? Because a friend was introducing me to another friend in the hopes of setting us up. I should have known that it was too good to be true.

I should have just went over and played WWE '12 like the original plan. But I had to let that stupid thing called "hope" have a chance. So I went to this place to meet the friend of my friend. She was amazing, no doubt. Did I have delusions of a potential future? Yes. Should I have? Of course not. 


The same story over and over. History repeating, if you will. 

Apparently the friend's friend just got out of a 2 year relationship and isn't interested in dating. I KNEW I shouldn't have gone out. I fucking knew it. But yet I keep thinking that someday something good will happen in my life. I have no idea why I keep thinking this, but I do. Maybe I've seen too many television shows and movies that have happy endings to think that my own life could really be this shitty and that something good *fingerscrossed* "could" happen to me. Bullshit. I'm so disappointed in myself. *le sigh*

Anyway,

Today I noticed an "ouch that hurts" pain on the right side of my chest, right underneath my breast. I have no fucking clue why it hurts, but it does. Only to the touch, but still. How long has it been like that? I'm telling you...something is going to give sooner rather than later. :(

Well, I work early in the morning so I'm probably going to go and do something else unproductive until I decide to go to sleep. 

Drawing Closer to the End (jumping around as I write)

With each passing day it feels like the I am getting closer to the end. It is getting more difficult to sleep each night and the pain is the hardest to ignore it has ever been. 

Right at this moment I have a pain in my back, shoulders and off and on in my chest. If I remember correctly, most of this has been occurring since 2008 but back then it was less frequent and easy to ignore. It would appear that whatever is ailing me has started to take the battle seriously and now has the upperhand. Well, when I am back at my 2nd job I am going to sign up for health insurance as soon as I can and take my ass to the doctor. Not sure when that will actually happen, or if it will be too late, but that is my intent no less. 

I was supposed to have a "date" last sunday with a girl that one of my friends said "only wanted a man who would treat her right." Well if that's all she wanted, I was definitely the man for the job. Well it turns out the whole reason she told my friend that is because she thought she was going to break up with her boyfriend. That did not end up transpiring, and thus she decided to give the lame excuse of not being able to go because she "forgot it was her friend's birthday." I only found out about the boyfriend thing because my friend told me that after we had been drinking. I'm sure he would have rather not said anything, but it is better to know the truth than be left in the dark about something like that. It sucks too because I posted something about the date on facebook and people seemed to be genuinely excited for me. Oh well. I should realize that at this point in time it is basically "too late" for me to meet anyone. The illness has a hold on me anyway, so I would only be letting the other person into my life to have it cut short in the future. Meh. Still, for some reason I try and hold on to hope. It's futile and stupid, but still I try. 

I remain in the funk that I've been in since the start of this year. I felt like I almost made progress with _ _ _ _ _ _ but then my dad's heart attack went and messed everything up. Instead of having dinner with her (that she was cooking no less) and then going to a party with her and my friends I ended up spending most of the night in the hospital. *le sigh* Driving to the hospital I actually passed her place and thought about going to get her, but I decided that it would be too weird. Maybe I should have. Maybe she could have meet my amazing family and seen a different side of me. Who knows? Certainly not me. I wish a lot of things in my life had turned out differently, but this is most recent "folly" that I wish I could go back and undo. Ugh, I fail at life so hard. 

After the date fiasco, I have been pretty silent on facebook. I finally updated my status today to say "having a blast" because I thought it important to put on an air of happiness or normalcy. Was I really having a blast? FUCK no. Far from it. Opposite even. But I need to let people think that I wasn't as affected by it as I really am. Why? Because I don't want to be pitied or empathized with anymore. All I do is talk shit or complain, it just took me this long to realize it. So I will put on a facade of happiness in public and on facebook but still be this empty shell of a person in my real life and in private. 

As sad as it sounds, I am happiest when I am at work and close to her. The quote that most resembles how I feel about her is from Blink182 (and I'm sure I already posted it but whatevs) and it goes: "When you smile, I melt inside. I'm not worthy of a minute of your time. I really wish it was only me and you, I'm jealous of everybody in the room." 

This update seems jumbled to me. It might be because I am listening to dubstep. Or it could be that I'm not at work so my thoughts aren't as coherent as normal. Meh. 

As I write this certain members of my group are eating dinner together and will probably hang out at HIS apartment. I would be there but I am completely broke at this moment. Truth be told I would rather not leave my apartment, but if I had the money then why not? Beats sitting here and writing this blog that no one reads. 

Am I writing my autobiography? Or my obituary? Weird to think about.

-M

One Year Later...She's Married??? +More

I have a confession to make. I haven't given up my girl search entirely. :(


But before you throw stones, hear me out. Please?


My desperation led me to try and contact the one woman who made me genuinely happy within the last year who I actually had a shot with at one point. The Isaac can actually attest to my happiness. When I showed him the pictures of the two of us, I remember him saying something to the effect of:


"Wow man, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy before."


Ever the man for truthiness, he would not be wrong. I had a crush on this girl since middle school...so when the opportunity arose for me to actually have something with her, I not only tried my hardest to make it work, but I was the happiest I've been in recent memory.


Anyway, something happened and she basically fell off the face of the earth. I wanted to try to contact her, but I was under the impression that I fucked up somehow. 


Well I recently decided "What the heck" and sent her an email just to see if she would respond. After two days, she did. And so we added each other on facebook....I went to view her pics and found out she was in a relationship. :(


Boo. Well we started chatting on facebook messenger and it turns out that not only is in a relationship but she is MARRIED. Married. To a guy she's known for less than a year. When I was talking to her she was saying, "Oh I'll never get married again" and all this and here she is, married after a year. *SMMFH*


Meanwhile, one of my female friends has been trying to get one of HER friends to break up with her boyfriend because he sucks and all this. She wants that in order to hook me and the friend up. Or rather she DID want to do this. Over the course of explaining to me that the two of them were in fact breaking up, my friend proceeds to tell me that it's actually a bad idea due to some bad blood between my current group of friends and her. She basically said that she doesn't want to lose her friend to the group and knows that it wouldn't even happen, but just so it doesn't she isn't going to hook us up. Fail.


So in my desperation I put up a few ads on craigslist and have started trying to talk to women again... 

That's all for now.


-M