Making an effort to change

Nothing new to report in the lady department. No prospects or anything. My crush at work and I have been joking around/flirting a bit more than usual, but that's it. She makes me smile but nothing will ever happen. Both of our lives are probably better because of that, but who knows? Maybe THIS is the darkest timeline. I am Evil Matt? (Community reference, in case you didn't know.)

I've been going though this internal debate regarding whether or not to make another OKCupid profile. I know, I'm an asshole. "What happened to your goal/promise?", you might be asking. Well, I honestly didn't even expect to be here right now. As much as whatever it is that is bothering me is annoying me, I'm only human. I have wants and desires. I want a woman. I desire one that I can spend my life with. And since I'm not one to go out to places, online dating seems like my only chance to meet women. Craigslist = teh suck. I do miss certain things about _ i _a though. Our time together wasn't ALL bad. 

But I digress.

I've been on a dubstep kick for a while now. Someone linked to the song "Boring Bitches" by Etta Bond & Raf Riley in a thread on Reddit and I couldn't stop listening to it. I went and downloaded "The Emergency Room EP" by Etta and Raf and it's awesome. Etta Bond is British and man is her voice sultry as hell. I haven't been this much in love with a British woman since the Spice Girls. lol. 

Have I mentioned that I shaved my head? Not sure if I said anything about that yet. Someone on facebook commented on my picture and said, "Slow down American History X!" lol. Yeah so I've been rolling with a bald head for a while now. Just shaved off my goatee today. Looking for a change, ya know? *shrugs*

Oh and I've been trying REALLY hard (for serious) to stay positive about everything lately. New attitude, if you will. It's been difficult, but I think I'm doing alright with it. 

I guess that's about it. Gotta get ready for work and whatnot. Be easy!

-M

I've taken steps...and some info from Wikipedia

Today is June 21st. One day after my birthday. I bet you are all wondering about the progress on that "deadline" that I set for myself. No? Well to be honest I bet you probably forgot, but the gist of it is basically that if I didn't find a girlfriend by my b-day this year that I would give up my search for a woman completely. 

So did I manage to land a girlfriend/significant other? If you don't already know the answer to this then you are probably retarded. However, just in case there does need to be some clarification, no, I didn't. What does that mean in the long run? Probably nothing to any of you, (I always talk as if people are actually reading this stuff. Delusional, I tells ya!) but I have already taken the first "step" if you will: I deleted my okcupid profile. 

I've been on OkCupid for over a year. Hell it might have even been 2 years by this point. Did it do anything for me? Well it allowed me to connect with an old friend, but that did more damage to my psyche and overall mental health than anything else, so I can't say that anything positive ever came from being on it. I sent a lot of messages and got very minimal responses. I met up with one girl from there but I mentioned that already in a previous entry. I can honestly say that nothing good came from being on the site. Positive step in deleting it? Maybe. 

It really sucks that I am only a friend to so many. I think I should have lowered my standards and went for women that I had no real romantic interest in. Some affection is better than no affection right? *shrugs* If I actually believe that though then I never would have broken up with my last girlfriend. But I did, so that shows you what I really think. I'm a walking contradiction. I say one thing but do something else. It happens more than I normally care to admit. But no one reads this shit anyway so who cares right?

The best way I can describe my life is that it's an almost endless stream of depression interrupted every now and then by occasional bouts of happiness or feelings of normality. 

Reading a thread on reddit one day, I came across this article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization

I used to feel this. A lot. In fact, I actually talked to my friend "N" about this one time and he just laughed at me. Wikipedia wasn't around back then (I was probably about 13 or so) so I had no way of backing up my claims. My friend and his brother just thought I was weird. I mean, I AM weird, but that is besides the point. 

It is a wonderful world we live in where information is so freely available. It is almost hard to imagine living without a smart phone and all of its wonderful technology. It is crazy to think about where we might be in 10 years or so. Who knows?

One thing is for certain...I'll be single. :-P

-M