Normal people do things like go out on dates; watch as I write this in solitude

My roommate (let's just go with S. for privacy's sake) S is going out on a date tonight. Well, more so a "go to a bar and drink and get to know you" thing. But knowing him, they will probably be fucking later. Thank god I took my sleeping pill. I just hope he doesn't drunkenly turn on music like last time...FML. Jeez.

Rachel texted me again yesterday and our conversation was kind of standoff-like; mostly my fault. I am upset with her that she is talking to guys...even though she friend-zoned me and hasn't done anything wrong. It's completely irrational and I know this. But do I "relax" like so many people tell me to do? Nope. I lash out at the one person who seems to actually show interest in my well-being. Although to be fair she wasn't really around when I was in NC. But that's how it goes right? When I was in NC, my SA friends weren't around and now that I'm back in SA my NC friends aren't around.

I think about S all of the time and I looked at my text history and noticed that we haven't texted each other since last december. 8 months. I already knew that our friendship changed as soon as she met her husband (before they got married) but damn. It's like the facebook status I posted a while back: out of sight, out of mind.

Speaking of facebook, it was around this time 2 years ago that E and I were talking according to the "on this day" memories thing. That was a high point in my life that I doubt I will ever get to again.

I need to do something drastic and I might have found it. I doubt that I will get it, but I am thinking about applying to work in the oil fields out in Sweeny, Texas. I don't imagine how I could isolate myself anymore than that, while still remaining relatively within reach of my family and "friends" in Texas.

I'm disgusted with people lately. Especially these "friends" that I have. Mostly my roommate and a different female friend since they fucked. He is such a playboy and bangs all sort of girls. He has a little black book with a shitload of women's name in it. If I didn't know about 1/8th of the names in it, I wouldn't even believe it. But he finally was able to add another of my friends' name to it. They both said they would never do that with each other....but of course that isn't true. Alcohol and desperation works wonders eh? Makes me sick. Especially because he told me that she was like, "I pride myself on being clean and not having any STDs" and he told her that he was clean. I know that isn't the case. His ex told me that she gave him HPV and I believe it was chlamydia. Sucks for her and sucks for my friend. Absolutely disgusting. But really, who the fuck am I to talk? I'm probably a functioning infection by this point.

Anyway, the sleeping pill is kicking in or something.

-M

Incessant Ramblings - Part 1

I'm torn. I know that I HAVE to be alone because of the bad choices I have made in my life up to this point and yet I still absolutely want to be with someone. It sucks because pretty much every single movie/tv show boils down to a relationship of some kind. Even ones where the main character talks to animals or insects or "god" or whatever. There are no shows or tvs that consist of one person being alone. And do you know why? Because that's fucking boring. No one would watch that! Just like no one should have to live it. And yet, here I am.

Every single day I exist is just another day that makes things worse. Case in point: the other day I noticed that my front teeth are slowly pushing inward. That's going to leave me looking ugly as sin. I'm fairly certain it is because I haven't had my wisdom teeth removed, but I haven't been to a Dentist in like 15 fucking years. If I go now, they'd have a field day. I already have seen how fucked up my teeth are in general. I've had dreams where they have all fallen out and that dream is probably going to be a reality. I should have taken better care of my teeth as well. I should have taken better care of my body in general. I had no real respect for myself. Still don't I guess.

This girl I matched with on Tinder that I tried to be friends with removed me from Facebook. Well fuck you too bitch. I tried to be YOUR friend. I didn't get any goddamn reciprocation. My Star Wars tattoo says "choose wisely" and you obviously chose the "I'm going to be a fucking bitch" side, which has led me to the dark side. I keep it Sith, 100%.

I deleted tinder, disabled my OKCupid account and all of that shit. I know that I need to be solo and so I'm not trying to even give it a chance.

I stopped at a Gas station earlier today to pick up some soda and the cashier was very friendly. She had gauges in her ears and some sort of awesome tattoo on her arm. I wish I had a chance to talk to her about the tattoo though. I really am interested in them now.

More later maybe.

-M