Postulating about the future (hopefully I used that correctly)

I guess by this point I should try and think about the future. However short it may or may not be. 

I made a list of things that I need money for either coming up soon or things that I WANT to do/acquire in the future. Here it is:

-Car stuff: License, license plates, insurance, transmission(? not sure but there's SOMETHING wrong)
-Tattoos: The Mega Man tats I mentioned before, this sweet Doctor Who logo thing, my niece's initials, and some FFAF lyrics. 
-Dog! And related accessories. I want a dog man. It would definitely help with the loneliness. 
-My certification exams

It sucks that money is what makes the world go around. Well at least to me since I don't have much of it. Heh. 


In other news, I skyped with the SA group on saturday night. It was nice. I felt like I was there, aside from the lack of ability to eat their food. lol. They keep having the impression that I'm going back to visit soon. That's probably my fault, but I mostly said that because I figured it would go over better than "well see ya'll never." Ya know? *shrugs*

Things are going alright. I wish I could say they were getting better but I haven't gotten to that point yet. 

Alright I'm out. 

-M

Understanding references years out when you finally see what was being referenced...

For years I never understood why one of my friends referred to himself as 'Battousai' or some variation of his name + Battousai online. I had no idea that he was referencing an anime, yet alone which particular anime. (It's not like there is a shortage of anime out there.) I don't remember how I came across it specifically, but I ended up looking up Rurouni Kenshin on Wikipedia and thinking that it sounded great. Having watched three episodes thus far, I can say that it's living up to its reputation up to this point. The connection between the two things is that 'Battousai' is a term from Kenshin, which makes total sense now that I think about it. The friend in question is a huge anime nerd, so yea. 

Funny how that works right? I wonder if people will ever understand things I've referenced waaay later. Nah, I doubt anyone cares enough to remember. Meh. 

I've been feeling especially alone out here. I mean I live with Jason, but he's gonna about 70% of the time. And aside from him and his girlfriend (who I have yet to see or talk to in person since being out here) I don't know anyone. I've met people at Chili's, but with the exception of the whale in the aforementioned entry there's not exactly any interest in me. I think I cracked that case, and it actually has to do with the fact that all of the good looking ladies there are already taken. I mean me being ugly or unattractive or unappealing or whatever COULD have something to do with it, but in general mostly everyone has someone already. The only remedy is to get in better shape so I can attract a non-whale. 

Its the same story all the time. Even on OkCupid. I browse profiles to find girls that I think I would be compatible with and send them messages. They either don't respond to the message, or they see it and choose not to respond to it for whatever reason. My once thought of 'flawless' personality does indeed have some flaws. I gave myself too much credit and now I'm trying to fix that. I need to try and be humble. I need to stop being so quick to get angry. I need to relax. I need to stop stressing. 

I've just come across the band "Meg and Dia" via a dubstep remix to one of their songs, and I think I like them. Their songs are good and chill. I feel relaxed. 

Well relaxed and tired. And depressed. And lonely. *le sigh*

I've been thinking more and more about getting a tattoo or three. lmao. Right now the idea(s) I have are: Mega Man on my left calf, Proto Man on my right, and some funeral for a friend lyrics on my back. That'd be outstanding. But that requires money....something that is in short supply at the moment. Meh. 

Guess that's it for now. 

-M

"It's about not settling for something less than you deserve, just because there isn't any other option..."

A girl once posted that as her facebook status ONE day after I asked her out. Obviously it was for me, even if she would never come out and admit to it. I mean no one knew except maybe her, me, and a few of my friends so why spell it out? As much as that hurt (and oh boy did it ever), at least she had the kindness to not say something like, "HEY EVERYONE MATTY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!" instead. She chose to be vague, and I never really appreciated that until now. 

Since losing around 30lbs, I've been getting unexpectedly hit on. The first time a girl flirted with me at the corner store I had the "Who? Me?" *pointing and looking around*-style reaction. Well now that I am in a kitchen in a new state, I thought I would be able to get to know a new set of women. There are quite a few pretty girls that I work with. However, I am 95% certain that they are ALL taken. Every one. Every.Single.One. 

There is one that I know for a fact that likes me. "Great!" you are probably thinking, right? Wrong. Oh man. Now I understand what that girl was saying when she posted that facebook status. Time is the greatest of teachers right? 

I couldn't understand at the time why she didn't want to be with me. But now that the situation is reversed...I get it. And I am no longer angry at her. At the time, I didn't understand that I was a whale trying to be with a cute minnow. Now, I'm the cute minnow and a whale wants to be with me. I know that is a TERRIBLE analogy, but I will be goddamned if I can't put it any better. I knew I was fat when I asked that girl out. But I thought my personality was great. (I was wrong, obviously.) But the girl that likes me...she is HUGE. I am trying to get it through her head that I'm not interested, but she won't leave it alone. It's starting to get annoying really. Like I said, NOW I understand how in the wrong I was. Man.

I gotta just "Keep Calm and Keto On" as I tell myself. (I should get that printed onto a T-shirt)

Listening to Splender. I miss them. Glad I got to see them live before they broke up. 

This post sort of got derailed, so I guess that's it for now. 

-M

I am writing this from North Carolina

Life is a funny thing. 

I never pictured leaving Texas, the state which has been my home for over two decades. I never actually had a say in the matter (well until I turned 18 at least) but I had no qualms with Texas. I loved San Antonio. Still do. The San Antonio Spurs are in the NBA Finals this year. I hope they win the championship. That would be a cool going-away/birthday present. Plus if Duncan wins the title I guarantee he will retire. Bank on it.

Anyway, I did it. I made the cross country drive from San Antonio, Texas to Garner, North Carolina. I made it in about 28 hours, with a couple of stops here and there. One of them being dinner with my cousin from Georgia who I hadn't seen in about 20 years. Worth it. Oh, and I did it without my proof of insurance...which I left in SA due to all of the commotion of the move. (Like a boss? lol)

I had to have the 'rents mail me out my insurance card, which I just received today. I went out to Walmart and Dollar Tree. (Have I mentioned how much I love Dollar Tree?)

It finally hit me as I was walking across the parking lot to my car after leaving Dollar Tree: "I am halfway across the United States, away from my family and (most of) my friends." Crazy...

Since I haven't updated this blog before the story about my crush thoroughly came to an end, let me catch up.

I put my two weeks' notice in at Jim's on May 3rd....that was the last day I would see my crush. She looked lovely. She had her hair in pigtails. Muy bonita. Ella se vea como Pocahontas.  *le sigh* Anyway, I had asked her for a photo in the past but she said to ask her on a day when she did her hair all nice. So I figured that day (the 3rd) was the perfect day. 

"I only have two weeks left with her, I better get the picture while I can," I thought to myself.

Little did I know how right I was. 

So as the day progresses, I just figure I will ask her towards the end, so that it won't get in the way of her work. Well....she ended up leaving without telling me bye. Not only did I not get to take a picture with her, but I never got to give/get a proper goodbye....that was the last time she was at Jim's. She called in the next day and the GM basically told her that she was fired, since she DID have a habit of calling in all the damn time. 

I was devastated. All the time spent (not so) secretly crushing on her and I have nothing to show for her. Not. A. Damn. Thing. Only memories. Those will have to last, and I anticipate they will. 

The only thing I have are memories: our memories. Memories of time spent together. Not "together" but spent at the same place, interacting. It was a secret that I liked her for a little while, but I had a feeling she always knew. And then one day it was out, just like that. *finger snap* Matt likes her.

People seemed surprised, as if I were some sort of robot incapable of feeling. But then all of a sudden they understood. They realized that she meant more to me than just the title of "coworker" bestowed by the job. I knew we could never be, just like she did. It was a total fantasy. I even joked with her that I was going to kidnap her and we were going to run away together to Mexico and live off of the land. Heh, it sounds silly seeing it typed out but when I told her this to her face she smiled. It wasn't a fake smile. I've seen enough of those in my time to know. It was a "you are great...but it will never work" smile. I knew that. But you know what? Sometimes just getting a smile meant the world to me. Hell even if it turned out that it WAS a fake smile, it felt real. And that's all that matters. I will never forget her smile. I will never forget her voice. I will never forget her beauty. I will never forget her personality. Most of all, I will never forget HER. 

<3

Matt 

The Short Answer is: No, it Didn't Mean Anything

I didn't talk directly to my crush today, but I did talk to another server who she is friends with. I mentioned what my crush said and the friend said, "Oh yeah she told me about that. She said that she realized after she said it that she probably gave you high hopes or something."

Indeed, I did have high hopes. I knew it was nothing really, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering 'What If?' 

Also, I know that I really don't mean anything to my crush because she didn't tell me bye when she left today. Which has happened more than once. Obviously I don't mean anything because I'm not on her mind. I'm not on her mind, whereas she is on my mind and in my heart. *le sigh*

Off to job number 2 I go.

-M

P.S. I don't know what the hell happened with the formatting on that last entry. I'm gonna go back later and try to fix it. 

I Could Never Be The Hero; My Fate is Intertwined With Villainy

In my last entry you were made aware that things were happening in my life. But things have changed already...

So the girl I have waited 7 years for, has changed her mind. It was that quick. We didn't even do anything. She just came to the realization that she hated all of my friends (and they her) and so it wouldn't work out. Can't argue there. Especially when I tried to honestly think about how it would be and came to the conclusion that she parties way too hard. That's not the type of woman I want. 

Speaking of the type of woman I DO want....my crush at work said something on friday that made my heart melt. It was absolutely touching. I had gotten into it with another server and told my crush about it. Apparently she went and told the other server "What did you do to MY Matthew?" *swoons* Can you believe it? I haven't been called someone's anything in a long time. I don't even know the story or meaning behind it or anything. She is being real coy. I was planning on asking her yesterday when she got off of work, but she left in a real hurry. Not sure if it was because she was tired or because people were teasing her about it. If it was the teasing I'm gonna be pissed. Why can't a girl like me? It's not like I've spent the last 2 years flirting with her and getting to know her as much as I can. Fuck. If people are teasing her for having feelings for me I honestly think I am going to lose my shit. Fuck people for that. *le sigh*

I don't know. I mean it's not like she is going to leave her boyfriend for me or anything. And it’s not like I am in any position to take care of her and her son in the really unlikely scenario that she does. *le sigh*

According to my parents we might end up staying in SA. I have some decisions to make, but I think I might still end up in North Carolina, should my friend be okay with it.  

I guess that’s it for now.

-M

Life's Finally Happening...a little too late

It would appear that I am on my way out of San Antonio. It's not a foregone conclusion, yet. But it does appear that way. My parents' house is about to be foreclosed on and I don't have the money to take over the lease/mortgage or whatever. 

I talked to one of my friends (he's probably my best friend, but I'm not sure if he would classify me in the same way) about staying with him....in North Carolina. He's down. I think a change of scenery might do me some good. Lord knows the bitches here in SA don't know what they are missing in regards to me. lol. 

Speaking of....she's finally come around. The woman that I have liked for a long time finally thinks of me in a romantic sense. I've ruined friendships for this woman. I've waited and waited and waited. And now, NOW, at all periods in my life for this to happen, she finally tells me that she feels like we have Chemistry. *le sigh*

It's all too much. How am I supposed to make all of these potentially life changing decisions? And in less than 2 weeks?? Oh.My.God. I don't know. I just don't know...


I have to head to work. Confused as hell. 

-M