Normal people do things like go out on dates; watch as I write this in solitude

My roommate (let's just go with S. for privacy's sake) S is going out on a date tonight. Well, more so a "go to a bar and drink and get to know you" thing. But knowing him, they will probably be fucking later. Thank god I took my sleeping pill. I just hope he doesn't drunkenly turn on music like last time...FML. Jeez.

Rachel texted me again yesterday and our conversation was kind of standoff-like; mostly my fault. I am upset with her that she is talking to guys...even though she friend-zoned me and hasn't done anything wrong. It's completely irrational and I know this. But do I "relax" like so many people tell me to do? Nope. I lash out at the one person who seems to actually show interest in my well-being. Although to be fair she wasn't really around when I was in NC. But that's how it goes right? When I was in NC, my SA friends weren't around and now that I'm back in SA my NC friends aren't around.

I think about S all of the time and I looked at my text history and noticed that we haven't texted each other since last december. 8 months. I already knew that our friendship changed as soon as she met her husband (before they got married) but damn. It's like the facebook status I posted a while back: out of sight, out of mind.

Speaking of facebook, it was around this time 2 years ago that E and I were talking according to the "on this day" memories thing. That was a high point in my life that I doubt I will ever get to again.

I need to do something drastic and I might have found it. I doubt that I will get it, but I am thinking about applying to work in the oil fields out in Sweeny, Texas. I don't imagine how I could isolate myself anymore than that, while still remaining relatively within reach of my family and "friends" in Texas.

I'm disgusted with people lately. Especially these "friends" that I have. Mostly my roommate and a different female friend since they fucked. He is such a playboy and bangs all sort of girls. He has a little black book with a shitload of women's name in it. If I didn't know about 1/8th of the names in it, I wouldn't even believe it. But he finally was able to add another of my friends' name to it. They both said they would never do that with each other....but of course that isn't true. Alcohol and desperation works wonders eh? Makes me sick. Especially because he told me that she was like, "I pride myself on being clean and not having any STDs" and he told her that he was clean. I know that isn't the case. His ex told me that she gave him HPV and I believe it was chlamydia. Sucks for her and sucks for my friend. Absolutely disgusting. But really, who the fuck am I to talk? I'm probably a functioning infection by this point.

Anyway, the sleeping pill is kicking in or something.

-M

Remember Stutterfly? I just did today.

This will probably end up shorter than it needs to be...that's what happens when you think about writing all day at work and then come home and are tired/lazy/uninspired to write. And to think, I wanted to be a writer when I was younger. lmao.

I spent about an hour or so at work today thinking up a facebook status. Let me try to recall what I had managed to come up with...

I used to think that I had a way with words. Not that I was ever a very confident speaker, or articulate at all. No, I thought I had "it" when it came to writing sentences. But like most positive traits that I believed I possessed for a long time, I was wrong. Whatever the present circumstances of my writing may be, I will attempt to explain what the hell is going on with me. I know that I have been a terrible friend the past few years. Even more so within the past year, but that shouldn't need explanation. Every single day is a struggle. I work tirelessly to combat these dark and depressing thoughts that creep into my head. If anyone actually knew what I was thinking at any given time, they would be appalled. I know I am, when they somehow make their way to the surface. I try my best to distract myself with any sort of media I can get my hands/eyes/ears on such as music, movies, games. And yet, sadly the menial work that I do 5 days out of the week gives me lots of time to be alone with my thoughts. Even if I try to focus on the task at hand I find myself slipping away from the present into the darkness since I am so adept at doing what I need to do that the work is effortless. I know I need help but my stubbornness prevents me from seeking it. I may not have spoken to a lot of you recently or at all within the past year, but know that I have absolutely thought of you. Yes you, reading this. Every single one of my friends from Texas to North Carolina to every other place that I know someone! My anxiety of accidentally revealing my madness prevents me from reaching out. Even in social situations I have the most guard up that I probably ever have. And to that end, I try and isolate myself from social situations altogether. Granted, I make an appearance here and there but I mostly keep to myself. I am not even trying to resolve my singledom. Anyone that truly knows me knows that all I have ever really wanted out of life was a wife and kids. The whole "white picket fence" type of deal. But I have made piss pour decisions and know that I am now destined to be alone. It took forever for me to realize that as I tried again and again to tempt fate only to be bested by this superior force. No more attempt shall be made. I have resigned myself to my solitude. I mean, I would love to have someone to share everything with. All of myself, my life, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, etc. But how can I possibly ask someone to embrace the broken man that I am today? It would be irresponsible and just plain wrong. I don't foresee any sort of "fix" for this, so instead I accept what has happened. Everyone who was a part of my tragedy had someone else (my mom had my dad, my sister-in-law had my niece) except for me. I have no one. I am totally alone. The way fate has deemed it. The way things were meant to be.   

But I didn't post that. I know that most people would only see it as a cry for help instead of an explanation. I'm not trying to get pity. I've received enough of that to last a lifetime.

Until next time...

-M

That's what I don't Understand, that's what I don't know...

I keep trying to make these fucked up plans even when I know its the wrong move. But the universe seems to be keeping me in check so I doubt anything will even come of them.

Earlier today at work I had some really dark and depressing thoughts. The fact that I am still on this earth and Danny isn't is something that I will never be able to comprehend. It is seriously mind-blowing. I would gladly trade places with him if I could. No questions asked. Its not like I have anything to offer anyone like he did. He had a family and was trying to make something of his life....whereas I am completely alone and back working in a restaurant. Fucking great.

I wished for death in....2004? 2005? Dunno. Life is fucked up though in that it took Danny instead of me. Oh and I just searched for my old "journal" and found it....so I wished for death or whatever in 2007. Sounds about right. That was a pretty shitty year overall.

I wanted to write and say so much more but I'm just going to cut this short for now.

-M

Incessant Ramblings - Part 2

I have always felt like the song "Fade" by Staind relates to me. I can relate to so much of what the lyrics say. Thanks for narrating a bit of my life, Aaron Lewis. *nods*

Things are still very much in a holding pattern. Work blew more ass recently because it seems like someone is always taking a vacation or requesting a day off or whatever and that fucks me over. Gah. And when I have an opportunity to try and do something for more money, I blow it. Whatever.

No love life still. I would like to think that it is mostly because I am trying to NOT even get involved with anyone but I doubt very much that is the case. I mean if I still had Tinder/Plenty of Fish/OkCupid/etc. things wouldn't be much different. I'd probably just have been rejected more than now.

It's crazy to think about that last year around this time I had a "bae"; as the young-ins call it. She was great and I didn't deserve her, and obviously the universe righted that wrong. Even the girl I was seeing BEFORE her, who wasn't someone I wouldn't have ever thought I would be involved with (to be perfectly honest) was too good for me. The universe took that too. Then a few months later I meet K. *le sigh* I tried too hard at first and then didn't stop to assess the situation properly. Even with all of the positives, there were a LOT of red flags and I shouldn't have grown as attached as fast as I did. But that's just what I do I guess. I move fast and get hurt because of it. Its like one of those "enjoy life now, ask questions later" type of thing.

Things have not gone the way I expected the entire time I've been back. I should be used to the disappointment and set expectations low, yet I don't. I always hope that things will go differently then they do. Like my birthday this year for example. I had all of these big plans and ideas....and all I managed to accomplish was the most simple of them: eat pizza. Big. Fucking. Deal. I think by this point, disappointment should be my middle name.

What sucks is that if I didn't make all of these poor decisions, I might have been lucky enough to meet a girl and have a kid and name it after Danny. But now, my shitty tattoo tribute and wrist band are all the legacy he gets.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I probably should have taken my friend S's advice and gone to see a therapist.

-M

Incessant Ramblings - Part 1

I'm torn. I know that I HAVE to be alone because of the bad choices I have made in my life up to this point and yet I still absolutely want to be with someone. It sucks because pretty much every single movie/tv show boils down to a relationship of some kind. Even ones where the main character talks to animals or insects or "god" or whatever. There are no shows or tvs that consist of one person being alone. And do you know why? Because that's fucking boring. No one would watch that! Just like no one should have to live it. And yet, here I am.

Every single day I exist is just another day that makes things worse. Case in point: the other day I noticed that my front teeth are slowly pushing inward. That's going to leave me looking ugly as sin. I'm fairly certain it is because I haven't had my wisdom teeth removed, but I haven't been to a Dentist in like 15 fucking years. If I go now, they'd have a field day. I already have seen how fucked up my teeth are in general. I've had dreams where they have all fallen out and that dream is probably going to be a reality. I should have taken better care of my teeth as well. I should have taken better care of my body in general. I had no real respect for myself. Still don't I guess.

This girl I matched with on Tinder that I tried to be friends with removed me from Facebook. Well fuck you too bitch. I tried to be YOUR friend. I didn't get any goddamn reciprocation. My Star Wars tattoo says "choose wisely" and you obviously chose the "I'm going to be a fucking bitch" side, which has led me to the dark side. I keep it Sith, 100%.

I deleted tinder, disabled my OKCupid account and all of that shit. I know that I need to be solo and so I'm not trying to even give it a chance.

I stopped at a Gas station earlier today to pick up some soda and the cashier was very friendly. She had gauges in her ears and some sort of awesome tattoo on her arm. I wish I had a chance to talk to her about the tattoo though. I really am interested in them now.

More later maybe.

-M

Still Uncertain

Not much has changed since my last update almost a month ago. I still feel the same way, if not worse. When I am at work and have time to think, I dream up all of these plans and ideas to do once I get home. After I am home I disregard all of it and go back to doing the same fucking thing I've been doing; absolutely nothing. Hell writing this update is probably the most 'productive' I have been in a while. I don't understand it. This has to be depression.

Last night I decided I wanted to drink beer...and so I proceeded to buy and drink a whole six pack in the span of about and hour and a half. I felt sick after the 6th one, but I didn't throw up. I feel like I use too many goddamn commas as well. Whatever.

My friend Rachel has been texting me periodically and I snapped at her the other day for no real reason. I already feel very alone and like I don't have people I can confide in anymore so I definitely should not have done that. I apologized to her but she said that it wasn't anything to apologize over and such. Okay. I need to shake all of the nonsense holding me down/back but I can't see/imagine how I am going to.

Even looking for friends has not panned out. I mean I could go to a meetup or two, but I just haven't. Been super lazy. Bleh. I need some sort of outlet for everything that I am feeling. Pain/frustration/loneliness/etc.

What sucks the most is that I put myself into this position. I have made terrible mistakes and have too much emotional baggage. I'm also not in a great position financially. All of that is why I can't be with someone. All I ever wanted was to have a wife, kids, house, etc. Typical american family type of shit. Instead my fear of dying alone has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fucking goddamn it.

It's probably better this way, that I go it alone. But damn if it doesn't hurt and feel like the worst pain imaginable.

Some people are trying to have a spouse AND someone on the side, while others (like me) can't even seem to get ONE person. Its goddamn unfair and I hate those greedy motherfuckers.

Meh.

I'm starting to get tired so I'm going to end this post now.

-M

Coming up on a year

I haven't written in this blog in a really long time. One day I might go back and fill in the gaps between that last post that I never finished and right now with greater detail but I feel like I should just cover the basics:

-I moved back to San Antonio, Texas to be with my family
-I'm back at a shitty restaurant job
-I put back on weight 
-I am living with a friend
-I am single and can't even seem to make any new friends

There's really a lot that I want to express and/or say to people but just don't. I honestly believe that I may be dealing with un-diagnosed depression. Maybe not, but there's a dark cloud around me that only goes away for fleeting moments of time.

I want to be different. I want to go back to the way that I was before; doing yoga, learning japanese, learning to play the guitar, etc. BUT I also want to do/be more. I want more tattoos, I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle, I want to smoke hookah on occasion, I want to exercise/run, and to read more. But I lack the motivation to do any of it. I mean I can't even seem to get out of the terrible restaurant job I am in. I am half-ass trying to leave. I just applied to be a delivery driver. Fuck it. It is really sad that it takes life altering events to make me do anything. I thought after coming back here to SA that I made the right choice. But now I am not so sure. I know for a fact that Danny wouldn't have wanted me to move back. He would have called me crazy/stupid for passing up on so much money/opportunity. Then again, it's his fault I am back. That's a fucked up thing to say but if he didn't pass away then I'd probably still be in NC.

Life is a goddamn fucked up cruel mistress with no fucking sense of humor or humility. I hate everything; mostly.

The only things I am okay with right now are the new songs that I have heard recently. "The Silver String" by Saosin and "Karate" by Babymetal. 

I should write more later. Maybe. 

-M

My lack of updates have a real reason this time; and it is not a 'good' one

May 17th, 2015 - My older brother passed away. He fell asleep while cleaning his pool and while the EMTs were able to resuscitate him, the brain damage was too severe; he died when they took him off of ventilation. I literally stood there and watched as his last breath left his body. It's a surreal thing to witness. I still don't understand it.

I feel like the wrong brother died. I mean truthfully. This might be me getting all emotional and all that, but for real. What do I have going for me? Not a damn thing. What did Danny have going for him? A wife, a daughter, a decent career that would have taken off eventually. Basically everything. And yet here I sit, breathing while he is gone. No one to take care of his family. He had life insurance, but there is no telling when/if they will get that money.

I attended my brother's wedding AND funeral at the same church. Still unreal. And only a 10 years difference between them. He didn't deserve his fate. Not that anyone ever really does, but especially not him. He wanted a pool because we grew up poor and had to use the community pool. It was important to him to rise above the financial hardship(s) that we faced in our lives. And he did; for a little while.  

Stuck in a loop I can't get out of

So it's Mother's Day 2015 and I can't wish my mom a happy one because her cell phone is cut off at the moment. *shrugs*

I've been trying to have female interaction all day to no avail. I reached out this one new girl who went to see Age of Ultron with the meetup group and she friendzoned me already. Okay, cool. No worries.

I didn't delete my old OKC but I did make a new one. And Sarah from up nawth found me on it again. I didn't realize it before but I think she might like me slightly. She obviously knows I had a crush on S. and not her though. I can't believe I was so naive to think that I actually had a chance with S. It has taken me this long to come up with the courage to write it out, but basically one of the reasons E and I broke up was because I thought S and I were going to become a thing. Well I didn't think that; I wanted it. There is indeed a difference, but I thought I had major brownie points for all of the cool shit I did for her. Oh well. It all matters for naught (not?) in the long run.

I look like shit today anyway so I'm realizing that female companionship might not be in my best interest. Funny how things work out nothing like you planned. For me at least. Nothing ever does.

It's fine. I'm going to die alone and mal-adapted. One of the only reasons I can think as to why I'm not being/staying with anyone or even receiving opportunities is because I don't deserve them. I've made a lot of dumb mistakes and they're going to be the death of me.

My whole family seems to have ended up in very shitty situations with no hope of improvement so might as well just enjoy the ride for however long it lasts, which I don't anticipate to be long.

It's been a year since I was dating Meredith and thought my life had improved so much. Other than a decent job, nothing in my life is particularly great. I have little to friends, and even the ones I do have are hesitant to say anything to me. Especially about all of the fancy vegas trips they were going on and shit.

I'm contemplating just deleting facebook entirely. It doesn't seem to have been an issue for Ruben. Of course he has money and is a bit more outgoing than I, so I'm sure he is able to adapt better. Me....I'd probably go the G route and delete and come back 5 times in a week. I dunno. Speaking of, she's doing great. Hell, all of my friends are doing great pretty much. What does that say about them vs. me? The majority of them are in relationships or have friends near to them but maybe they're just content with their life. I know I'm not. And I keep gaining and losing motivation to do anything about it. I genuinely despise interacting with the general populace as most of them are retarded as shit. But it doesn't look like online dating is working out for me, which isn't surprising. My face is not symmetrical; if I didn't do that thing with my nostrils as a child and if my ears weren't different sizes and if I weren't going bald and could rock some decent hair I might be okay. But none of that is the case. I wish I had never heard Sylvia talk about LC CE in Chili's that one day. My life would be a lot different, maybe.

I should have lower standards. I don't know HOW in the fuck I managed to land E but now that she has gotten away, I know that opportunity won't ever come along again. I should have held on tight instead of pushing away. Her situation was kind of fucked up, but it could have worked out. Thing is, there's a lot that I was never told. I'm certain she just wanted to get out and not have anything to do with me. Can't say I blame her there. I'd be remiss if I said I understood why she liked me. Especially when so many others don't. As I said, I just have too high of standards. I should write a list of my wants in a significant other and then cut that sumbitch in half and see if I have any luck. And then if I STILL don't have any luck then I will know that I am most definitely an un-datable piece of shit. Which I am fairly certain is the case, but w/e.

I just feel so alone. Even The Isaac, who used to send me youtube videos has apparently abandoned me. Great. I miss him. I just need to put my teeth to the grindstone and get more certifications and rack up EXP and then move back to San Antonio. Especially if my roommate's girlfriend is supposed to be moving in with us, it might get to be a problem. She's cool, but I dunno man. My best friend/roommate has been super amazing and totally saved my life by letting me live here, but the more I see here the more I realize that this isn't my home. I wanted it to be, I really did. But I'm like a transplanted organ and the host (NC) is rejecting me. Fitting considering the shape I'm in.

Speaking of shape, I'm almost down to 193 which is where I was at before I started at EN I believe. God it's taken forever. I'm trying to be good until my birthday, when I will absolutely splurge and go wild.

A random thought just occurred to me, but I immediately thought better of it. I had the wild idea that I should fly home for my birthday weekend, but nah. Too expensive and the entire semantics of it would be a nightmare, in the long run.

I still want to get a tattoo, but I think my first one is going to end up being a Spur on one of my shoulders in honor of my San Antonio Spurs. But it depends on if I can get the money for it, since tats can be expensive. (Right Sean? lmao)

But who the fuck am I to criticize anyone? No one. I've fucked up more times than I can count. I dunno man.

-M

What is it even?

My mind went blank as I started to write this. I think it had something to do with women as always. Not positive though.

I'm washing clothes. Yay! /sarcasm

Things are returning to the way they were 'pre-NC' and I'm just shrugging. I can't do it alone, and yet that is how I've been trying. Everyone is getting married or having kids or at least in a relationship and then there's me: not doing anything. Maybe I should have stuck with Edith. *shrugs*

I've sorta given up trying as well. I haven't deleted OKC yet though. I need to get on that.

-M

Dream a little dream

I had a dream about my crush from my previous job last night. I thought I had managed to remove her from my mind since I was never going to see her again (theoretically). But I guess my subconscious still isn't over her. I can't blame it, we didn't exactly get any sort of closure whatsoever. Oh well.

I'm still reeling (not sure that's the correct word) from the whole FZ thing of this weekend. I should have known better; better than to try and find a companion. But part of me feels like I still deserve someone....even though that part is probably slowly decaying and will rot off eventually. I hope it does. At least that way I will have a definitive way of feeling, instead of this teeter-tottering, back and forth, bullshit. Gah.

Today at the new job was cool. I was the only one to get 4 rings set-up out of the 4 new people who were assigned. I did take it as a challenge, and I DID succeed. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm positive that the guys know that I don't have as much technically knowledge as they do, but I will be damned if having a guide/directions won't allow me to do something. Shiiiiit. lol.

-M

P. S. Beware the ides of March and all that. (Yes I know I'm late. Shoot me.) 

I Realize Why Now....Sorta

I think I know why the updates to this blog are so infrequent: I really only feel like writing about my life when it's not going so great. Which, I can see why that would make sense; if I had awesome stuff going on, there wouldn't be a reason to sit here and pour my heart out to a blog that only I read. Know what I mean?

It's back again (or did it never leave?), that feeling of doom and depression. I got friendzoned AGAIN yesterday. By a girl that I thought I might have had some sort of future with. But I guess I always think that. Who tries to date someone that they don't think they have a future with right? *shrugs* I haven't claimed to be intelligent for quite some time now.

I say this now and I've said it before (so we will see if/when it sticks) but I am giving up on finding someone. I will be 31 this year and I honestly didn't expect to make it to this point due to the myriad of illnesses that I KNOW I have that aren't currently diagnosed. Like the bruise/spot on my right leg that sometimes hurts like crazy but other times is perfectly fine. I will probably never know what THAT is about. But back to the giving up thing....I deleted Tinder and disabled my plenty of fish account. I haven't gotten rid of OkCupid yet, but I will. I'm trying to hard, instead of just letting it happen. And by this point, I doubt it will. I've spent so much time trying to fight fate that I'm willing to accept defeat. You can't go against what life has in store for you. You are only delaying the inevitable and even that only works for so long. How can you expect to alter the threads of fate when you don't even have a clue how they work? You can't. I've tried.

Things with the friend that I mentioned in the previous entry are definitely almost over. She has a boyfriend now and a full house and a busy and wonderful life I'm sure. She doesn't even respond to the questions I ask her via text. Instead she replies back with random shit. Like today I asked her what's up and she replied with "Do you need a Vacuum?" What.The.Fuck. No I don't need a fucking Vacuum. I need you to be there for me when I need to talk. But you are probably too busy having an amazing life to make time for me. I fucked up at some point along the way and you realized that I would only bring you down, which is great for you. I knew you were smart as hell. I guess I just didn't expect you to realize that so soon and thought I could get at least a year of friendship out of you before you bailed. Ah well. Shame on me for trying to think. I need to just keep bullshitting my way through life, as I have been. But without companionship. Jason won't abandon me, unless I start spiraling into drugs or drinking or something. He's too nice. I'm sure he wants to kick me out as it is. I should try looking for my own place once I get on my feet.

At least I am finally starting to make a bit of headway on the debt that I have. If I live long enough, I might actually start to pay some of it off! Heh, I'll be surprised if that happens though. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still here as it is.

It's heartbreaking to know that everyone around me can seem to get into or out of relationships as they please. Even my friends who are single are still happy. They get to DATE and have sex and all the normal shit that people our age should be doing. I feel like the characters in Kurt Vonnegut's "TimeQuake" except that I can only hope and pray that someone will walk up to me and tell me "you were sick but now you're well. And there's work to do."

Heh, are hallucinations a symptom of depression?

-M

Oh, the one bright spot in my life? I found out that the band BABYMETAL kicks ass. 

Been about a month, let's reflect a bit

I have a habit of screwing things up, and yet this wasn't entirely my fault. I'm single again, but its because the girl couldn't find a job here. She was basically a NURSE and couldn't find a job. Can you believe it? Neither can I. It doesn't quite add up. She also said that she was planning on joining the military. That was the death nail. I don't have the time or money to wait or follow her. So we called it quits. I get the feeling she didn't really care. Everything she said about being and sad and stuff felt like an act. We didn't 'speak' for almost a month...which no relationship could survive, yet alone a young one like ours. Oh well.

I keep saying that I am okay but I'm fairly certain I'm not. I was buzzed by like 9:30am the day after we broke-up. I sobered up enough to meet some friends for dinner and then got drunk again. It was their fault for giving me free beers though. O.o

Ever since I've just felt pretty blah, overall. My thoughts are creeping back to my pre-move to nc-style, which won't end well. I'm currently listening to Bullet for My Valentine, which I normally only do when I'm in a bad move. Meh.

I'm fallen into the 'Matt Trap' once again though. I have a beautiful friend who is newly single. I've been dropping hints but she only considers me a friend. I know this. And yet, I can't help but feel like I have to try even if I know it will fail. But I don't want to ruin the friendship because it isn't like I have a bunch of friends here. So yep, the trap I always fall into.

The pain I've been having for a while has started to get worse again. I go through phases, and right now it's a bad one. I hope it clears up. Or kills me. I'm back to feeling kinda depressed. It's that time of the year. When everyone has someone to spend the holidays with, I'm just here alone. I deserve it for the bad decisions I've made, but still. That doesn't make it hurt any less. Gah.

I started using teeth whitening strips and my teeth are hurting. Gonna have to use that re-mineralizer stuff I have at the house after my next session. I've been trying to quit soda as well. So hopefully my smile will look a decent shade brighter in the future. Also a side effect of quitting soda is being a bit sleepier thanks to less caffeine. I'm going to quit coffee soon too. *shrugs*

As for other positive things....I can't really think of any. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'll be working. I expect it to be a quiet evening.

Things with the friend who I've fallen into the 'Matt Trap' with have been cooling off a lot recently as well. It used to be her who would text me. But now she doesn't text me unless I text her first. Blah.

-M

Since I left you hanging, let's try to catch up

I have written in so, so long. I'm not sure why other than forgetfulness/laziness. I feel like I only ever write something in here when things are on the downswing, which is actually why I decided to write this entry....self-fulfilling prophecy much?

I met some friends towards the end of July, via meetup.com. I started going to game nights on wednesday night where we play board and card games. It's been fun. 

In August I made a reddit post looking for companionship. Basically just like a craigslist post, except on reddit. A girl responded....from Wisconsin. I should have dismissed her then. BUT, she said that she was planning on moving here to NC. So I went ahead and let the 'idea' of her and I being together invade my mind, thoughts, emotions, etc. I figured that we would never even meet until she moved here. It would just be an 'online' thing. But it grew and grew thanks to Skype videochatting, Facebook messages, the Avocado App, and texts/phone calls. Then one day while talking about her to a friend of mine, the friend asks how come we haven't met yet? And basically I could only answer that I didn't have the money. So she offered her airline miles to me so that I could meet this girl. But, the girl didn't currently have a job like I do. So my friend instead allowed the girl to use the miles instead, so she could spend a week here with me instead of me spending like 2 days there.

Well these plans were made in September. October finally rolled around and she was supposed to come. She flew in on  Wednesday afternoon, and it was magical. Thursday I worked and then we hung out for a bit after I came home and then went to sleep. By the time I left for work on friday, she said she had to go home ASAP. She was bawling her eyes out. Her grandfather had a stroke which led to a heart attack. She thought he was going to die. So she wanted to go be with him. I couldn't be mad at her....but I sure as hell could be mad at the fucking universe. That situation confirmed my believe that there is no god or higher power or anything like that. If there were, how in the hell could he have possibly allowed that to happen? I was finally getting the chance to be happy....and it was ripped from me in an instant. No 'benevolent' being would do that. Her grandpa could have had his heart attack/stroke a week later, and my happiness wouldn't be impacted. Of course hers would be regardless, but still. It's fucking lame that we finally got time together only to have it cut short.

I'm self-censoring at the moment because if I were to really speak my mind I might say something that would reveal too much of who I really am. And no one is ready for that. 

-M

I've got some issues Stan, I think I need some counseling....

Wow so it's been a while since I've written. I wanted to write a few times but either laziness or forgetfulness took hold of me. 

After haphazardly reading my last post I can safely say that she is 86'd from being my gf. Probably like 3 days after I made that last post we decided to call it off. By we I mean me of course. But I went the politically correct route and made it seem on social media like we came to a mutual decision and whatnot. She agreed to call it off, but I doubt she would have reached that conclusion on her own. As I said in a previous entry, she's kinda stupid.

I really sincerely believe in my heart that I was meant to be alone. What else could explain it? I've been told that I just needed to wait over and over again in my life. I'm now 30 years old. How much longer do I need to fucking wait? Also why should everyone else find happiness in high school or whatever while I have to be practically dead with no hope in site? A bit unfair. But, and here's the catch, if I weren't long for this world, I could understand perfectly. I mean, why drag someone down with me? Maybe that's the 'greater plan' or higher purpose that some "benevolent" entity is trying to show me. Why else? Seriously. I'm just a jerk in a nice guy's clothing, but there are worse people in the world than me who get companionship. It kinda sucks. 

I wish that whatever force that was trying to show me this 'you don't get to have a companion' thing would just fucking kill me already. I get it. 

-M

How much longer? No idea...

 She is either too dumb to realize that she is fucking things up, or she knows exactly what is going on and is playing me like a fiddle. I want to give her a lot of credit and say it's probably the last part. But honest, I don't think it is. It took me a while but I finally realize that she has hella tunnel vision. Major even. Like, 'Disregard everything else to focus on whatever' style. There were signs of this previously, but I guess I had my own tunnel vision going on. I was so wrapped up in the fact that this girl liked me, that I overlooked some HUGE red flags. I know that you should never try and change someone, but I supposed I was naive enough to think that she would change herself without my intervention. But, I'm gonna let Dr. Cox tell you guys what I was:

Yep. That about sums it up. Here I was, thinking that well if I text her she will text me back. Nope. She didn't even text me back today. At all. I'm gonna not text her until wednesday. If she doesn't text me I'm breaking it off with her. It's gonna suck, but I guess I can re-buy my Hellsing dvds. **le sigh**

Fucking bitch. I can't believe she is doing this to me. She said she really liked me. Some way of showing it. Fuck. 

I really need to stop with the craigslist thing. The people are too fucking weird. I just need to focus on okcupid or pay the fucking money for match [dot] com. 

Gonna get ready for bed. This weekend was a complete waste. Utterly and totally. Thanks for nothing cunt. 

-M

I feel alone regardless of being 'with' someone

I didn't think it was possible to feel alone when you are 'with' someone. Granted the person is not physically near me, but still. When you take the step of going from just getting to know someone to making them your significant other you expect things to go to another level. I'm not even talking physically. 

The fact that my 'girlfriend' doesn't communicate with me says a lot about her. I texted her about it and she admitted that it was her fault, yet she has done nothing to remedy the situation. I didn't text her yesterday and she didn't text me either. Pretty much what I figured would happen. I imagined that she wouldn't text me today either so I broke down and texted her. She responded, but only enough to show me that she was alive. I think I need to set an ultimatum or something. I need to be strong enough to not text her first. And just let it play out. See what she does. I can't be the one texting her first all of the time. A relationship is supposed to be a 2 way street, but right now I'm the only one metaphorically driving. And I'm getting really, REALLY fucking tired of it. I didn't think things would sour this fast, but it just boggles my mind. It really does. How can you be in a relationship with someone without communicating with them? You can't. That should really say all that needs to be said regarding what she thinks about us. 

It's a good thing I didn't do anything stupid like deleting my okcupid profile or anything. That would have been a bitch to recreate. Its not like I've ever had any luck with it anyway though. Like 40 messages sent with like 2 positive responses. That's a terrible ratio. Managers/Coaches/Players etc. have been fired for better ratios than that. Jeezus. 

I fucked up bad on this GF thing though. Once I get my hellsing DVDs I am out. That's another mistake. I will never let anyone borrow them again, provided I get them back. 

I finished my last beer that had been sitting in the fridge from February. A 'Killian's Irish Red' that I love so much. From now on, back on the keto bandwagon. Seriously again. Fuck sweets. Fuck carbs. I need to get back down to like 180 or less. Now that I'm running it shouldn't be too difficult once I get back into Ketosis. Motivation is a powerful thing. Motherfuckers won't see me coming. Believe that. 

When I finally do make it back to San Antonio I'm going to be a japanese speaking, guitar playing in shape dude. I want people to say 'Wow' outloud. I want them to wonder what the hell happened. And that's when I will respond "Motivation Motherfuckers."

Stop being content. Challenge the status quo. Make a difference, not excuses. The only reason I didn't run this morning was because I had to wash clothes. Tomorrow I'm running again. 

I should probably get to sleep if I'm going to get up at 5:30. Hooray for responsibility, bitch. 

-M

So happy...together?

As happy as I am, I think I might have made a mistake. I have a girlfriend now. I use that term loosely however. 

She is bad at communication. Scratch that, not bad. TERRIBLE. Horrible even. I don’t know her way of thinking, but I feel like if I try to mention something about it to her that she will say something irrelevant. I was in such a rush to be with someone that I didn’t take the time to get to know her. Granted I noticed her lack of communication before (as noted in my previous entry), but I thought it would change once we got together. It hasn’t. 

My heart is hurting, literally. I don't think it's because of her. I'm fairly certain it's because I started running. Maybe I’m going to pass away soon. It might be fitting that once I'm finally starting to have a decent life that it's taken from me. I was afraid to live for so long that I made mistakes that I shouldn't have made. I'm probably paying for it now. Figures that when I make a concentrated effort to improve my situation that something comes along and says 'NO.'

Now I feel weird in the head. I wish I were more articulate and could describe in detail how I am feeling. But alas, I am stuck making mere generalizations rather than descriptions. 

I gave in and texted her thanks to a female friend encouraging me to do so. What has been the result? Nothing. Nada. 

I'm going to go and see Godzilla tonight with random people I met on meetup.com so hopefully I don't get killed. lolz.

-M

Am I doing what I always do? Over-analyzing things? Worrying too much?

Ironically enough, since my last entry I went on a date with a really adorable girl who genuinely seemed into me. She gave me a kiss on the lips at the end of the date. That never happens!

But, in typical fashion I might have screwed up already. I'm not sure though. I haven't hear from her in over 24 hours now, and I get the feeling that it might be my fault. I don't plan on texting her again anytime soon since I've texted her THREE times without a response. She knows I like her (and I thought she liked me) but I don't want to seem overly anxious. The last thing the poor girl probably wants is to be smothered by some chubby bald almost 30yr old who barely gets by. 

I'm seriously stressing over this, and I shouldn't be. Today was the first time since I've started my new job that I seriously didn't want to be there. I had a headache and felt like crap pretty much the entire day. I didn't work ANY tickets, but technically we're still in training so it's okay. But yeah. She already texted me intermittently but I get the feeling I might have pushed her across the edge to the 'not going to text' side. Or there could be something wrong, like her phone being broken or she lost it or whatever. I have no idea. I really shouldn't worry about it, but I am. I can't help it. I probably should be able to not cling so hard, but I can't. Stupid heart, why do you have to fall so easily? 

Bah.

Hopefully I will update with better news soon. 

-M 

It sounds incredible, but things have finally started to turn around...

I neglected to mention in that last post that my grandfather did indeed pass away. It didn't effect me as hard as some of the other members of my family, but it does suck. My grandfather taught me a lot of things that my father never did like how to fish, how to shoot a gun, etc. 

There were a lot of things I never knew when I was young either because I was young or because I was ignorant. I had no clue that my dad was basically an alcoholic, until years after the fact. I remember him falling asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth and burning a hole into one of the couch cushions. The only reason I noticed it was because I randomly woke up to the smell of something burning. If I had continued to sleep then none of us might be here right now. That's a scary thought. 

Figures I had to move away right as my niece is starting to be awesome. When children are super young it is almost like you don't matter to them unless you are their mother or father. Now my niece is talking and walking and being generally awesome, from what my brother tells me. It's great to hear, but also sad because I know that the earliest I will probably get to see her is at Christmas this year, and it won't even really be Christmas as far as I can tell since it would appear that I will have to work on all of the major holidays this year. 

Going along with that, I have finally, FINALLY managed to leave restaurants behind. I am now working in IT and I couldn't enjoy it more thus far. I don't sweat or bleed or burn, and it was a $6 per hour raise, which is fantastic. 

Overall, it seems like things are turning around for me. They took their sweet time but I'm glad that it at least happened. Now if my love life would turn around then things might be just a hair shy of perfect. ;)

Ending on a positive note, for once.

-M