Coming up on a year

I haven't written in this blog in a really long time. One day I might go back and fill in the gaps between that last post that I never finished and right now with greater detail but I feel like I should just cover the basics:

-I moved back to San Antonio, Texas to be with my family
-I'm back at a shitty restaurant job
-I put back on weight 
-I am living with a friend
-I am single and can't even seem to make any new friends

There's really a lot that I want to express and/or say to people but just don't. I honestly believe that I may be dealing with un-diagnosed depression. Maybe not, but there's a dark cloud around me that only goes away for fleeting moments of time.

I want to be different. I want to go back to the way that I was before; doing yoga, learning japanese, learning to play the guitar, etc. BUT I also want to do/be more. I want more tattoos, I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle, I want to smoke hookah on occasion, I want to exercise/run, and to read more. But I lack the motivation to do any of it. I mean I can't even seem to get out of the terrible restaurant job I am in. I am half-ass trying to leave. I just applied to be a delivery driver. Fuck it. It is really sad that it takes life altering events to make me do anything. I thought after coming back here to SA that I made the right choice. But now I am not so sure. I know for a fact that Danny wouldn't have wanted me to move back. He would have called me crazy/stupid for passing up on so much money/opportunity. Then again, it's his fault I am back. That's a fucked up thing to say but if he didn't pass away then I'd probably still be in NC.

Life is a goddamn fucked up cruel mistress with no fucking sense of humor or humility. I hate everything; mostly.

The only things I am okay with right now are the new songs that I have heard recently. "The Silver String" by Saosin and "Karate" by Babymetal. 

I should write more later. Maybe. 

-M