I Realize Why Now....Sorta

I think I know why the updates to this blog are so infrequent: I really only feel like writing about my life when it's not going so great. Which, I can see why that would make sense; if I had awesome stuff going on, there wouldn't be a reason to sit here and pour my heart out to a blog that only I read. Know what I mean?

It's back again (or did it never leave?), that feeling of doom and depression. I got friendzoned AGAIN yesterday. By a girl that I thought I might have had some sort of future with. But I guess I always think that. Who tries to date someone that they don't think they have a future with right? *shrugs* I haven't claimed to be intelligent for quite some time now.

I say this now and I've said it before (so we will see if/when it sticks) but I am giving up on finding someone. I will be 31 this year and I honestly didn't expect to make it to this point due to the myriad of illnesses that I KNOW I have that aren't currently diagnosed. Like the bruise/spot on my right leg that sometimes hurts like crazy but other times is perfectly fine. I will probably never know what THAT is about. But back to the giving up thing....I deleted Tinder and disabled my plenty of fish account. I haven't gotten rid of OkCupid yet, but I will. I'm trying to hard, instead of just letting it happen. And by this point, I doubt it will. I've spent so much time trying to fight fate that I'm willing to accept defeat. You can't go against what life has in store for you. You are only delaying the inevitable and even that only works for so long. How can you expect to alter the threads of fate when you don't even have a clue how they work? You can't. I've tried.

Things with the friend that I mentioned in the previous entry are definitely almost over. She has a boyfriend now and a full house and a busy and wonderful life I'm sure. She doesn't even respond to the questions I ask her via text. Instead she replies back with random shit. Like today I asked her what's up and she replied with "Do you need a Vacuum?" What.The.Fuck. No I don't need a fucking Vacuum. I need you to be there for me when I need to talk. But you are probably too busy having an amazing life to make time for me. I fucked up at some point along the way and you realized that I would only bring you down, which is great for you. I knew you were smart as hell. I guess I just didn't expect you to realize that so soon and thought I could get at least a year of friendship out of you before you bailed. Ah well. Shame on me for trying to think. I need to just keep bullshitting my way through life, as I have been. But without companionship. Jason won't abandon me, unless I start spiraling into drugs or drinking or something. He's too nice. I'm sure he wants to kick me out as it is. I should try looking for my own place once I get on my feet.

At least I am finally starting to make a bit of headway on the debt that I have. If I live long enough, I might actually start to pay some of it off! Heh, I'll be surprised if that happens though. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still here as it is.

It's heartbreaking to know that everyone around me can seem to get into or out of relationships as they please. Even my friends who are single are still happy. They get to DATE and have sex and all the normal shit that people our age should be doing. I feel like the characters in Kurt Vonnegut's "TimeQuake" except that I can only hope and pray that someone will walk up to me and tell me "you were sick but now you're well. And there's work to do."

Heh, are hallucinations a symptom of depression?

-M

Oh, the one bright spot in my life? I found out that the band BABYMETAL kicks ass. 

I've got some issues Stan, I think I need some counseling....

Wow so it's been a while since I've written. I wanted to write a few times but either laziness or forgetfulness took hold of me. 

After haphazardly reading my last post I can safely say that she is 86'd from being my gf. Probably like 3 days after I made that last post we decided to call it off. By we I mean me of course. But I went the politically correct route and made it seem on social media like we came to a mutual decision and whatnot. She agreed to call it off, but I doubt she would have reached that conclusion on her own. As I said in a previous entry, she's kinda stupid.

I really sincerely believe in my heart that I was meant to be alone. What else could explain it? I've been told that I just needed to wait over and over again in my life. I'm now 30 years old. How much longer do I need to fucking wait? Also why should everyone else find happiness in high school or whatever while I have to be practically dead with no hope in site? A bit unfair. But, and here's the catch, if I weren't long for this world, I could understand perfectly. I mean, why drag someone down with me? Maybe that's the 'greater plan' or higher purpose that some "benevolent" entity is trying to show me. Why else? Seriously. I'm just a jerk in a nice guy's clothing, but there are worse people in the world than me who get companionship. It kinda sucks. 

I wish that whatever force that was trying to show me this 'you don't get to have a companion' thing would just fucking kill me already. I get it. 

-M