This will probably end up shorter than it needs to be...that's what happens when you think about writing all day at work and then come home and are tired/lazy/uninspired to write. And to think, I wanted to be a writer when I was younger. lmao.
I spent about an hour or so at work today thinking up a facebook status. Let me try to recall what I had managed to come up with...
I used to think that I had a way with words. Not that I was ever a very confident speaker, or articulate at all. No, I thought I had "it" when it came to writing sentences. But like most positive traits that I believed I possessed for a long time, I was wrong. Whatever the present circumstances of my writing may be, I will attempt to explain what the hell is going on with me. I know that I have been a terrible friend the past few years. Even more so within the past year, but that shouldn't need explanation. Every single day is a struggle. I work tirelessly to combat these dark and depressing thoughts that creep into my head. If anyone actually knew what I was thinking at any given time, they would be appalled. I know I am, when they somehow make their way to the surface. I try my best to distract myself with any sort of media I can get my hands/eyes/ears on such as music, movies, games. And yet, sadly the menial work that I do 5 days out of the week gives me lots of time to be alone with my thoughts. Even if I try to focus on the task at hand I find myself slipping away from the present into the darkness since I am so adept at doing what I need to do that the work is effortless. I know I need help but my stubbornness prevents me from seeking it. I may not have spoken to a lot of you recently or at all within the past year, but know that I have absolutely thought of you. Yes you, reading this. Every single one of my friends from Texas to North Carolina to every other place that I know someone! My anxiety of accidentally revealing my madness prevents me from reaching out. Even in social situations I have the most guard up that I probably ever have. And to that end, I try and isolate myself from social situations altogether. Granted, I make an appearance here and there but I mostly keep to myself. I am not even trying to resolve my singledom. Anyone that truly knows me knows that all I have ever really wanted out of life was a wife and kids. The whole "white picket fence" type of deal. But I have made piss pour decisions and know that I am now destined to be alone. It took forever for me to realize that as I tried again and again to tempt fate only to be bested by this superior force. No more attempt shall be made. I have resigned myself to my solitude. I mean, I would love to have someone to share everything with. All of myself, my life, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, etc. But how can I possibly ask someone to embrace the broken man that I am today? It would be irresponsible and just plain wrong. I don't foresee any sort of "fix" for this, so instead I accept what has happened. Everyone who was a part of my tragedy had someone else (my mom had my dad, my sister-in-law had my niece) except for me. I have no one. I am totally alone. The way fate has deemed it. The way things were meant to be.But I didn't post that. I know that most people would only see it as a cry for help instead of an explanation. I'm not trying to get pity. I've received enough of that to last a lifetime.
Until next time...
-M
