Normal people do things like go out on dates; watch as I write this in solitude

My roommate (let's just go with S. for privacy's sake) S is going out on a date tonight. Well, more so a "go to a bar and drink and get to know you" thing. But knowing him, they will probably be fucking later. Thank god I took my sleeping pill. I just hope he doesn't drunkenly turn on music like last time...FML. Jeez.

Rachel texted me again yesterday and our conversation was kind of standoff-like; mostly my fault. I am upset with her that she is talking to guys...even though she friend-zoned me and hasn't done anything wrong. It's completely irrational and I know this. But do I "relax" like so many people tell me to do? Nope. I lash out at the one person who seems to actually show interest in my well-being. Although to be fair she wasn't really around when I was in NC. But that's how it goes right? When I was in NC, my SA friends weren't around and now that I'm back in SA my NC friends aren't around.

I think about S all of the time and I looked at my text history and noticed that we haven't texted each other since last december. 8 months. I already knew that our friendship changed as soon as she met her husband (before they got married) but damn. It's like the facebook status I posted a while back: out of sight, out of mind.

Speaking of facebook, it was around this time 2 years ago that E and I were talking according to the "on this day" memories thing. That was a high point in my life that I doubt I will ever get to again.

I need to do something drastic and I might have found it. I doubt that I will get it, but I am thinking about applying to work in the oil fields out in Sweeny, Texas. I don't imagine how I could isolate myself anymore than that, while still remaining relatively within reach of my family and "friends" in Texas.

I'm disgusted with people lately. Especially these "friends" that I have. Mostly my roommate and a different female friend since they fucked. He is such a playboy and bangs all sort of girls. He has a little black book with a shitload of women's name in it. If I didn't know about 1/8th of the names in it, I wouldn't even believe it. But he finally was able to add another of my friends' name to it. They both said they would never do that with each other....but of course that isn't true. Alcohol and desperation works wonders eh? Makes me sick. Especially because he told me that she was like, "I pride myself on being clean and not having any STDs" and he told her that he was clean. I know that isn't the case. His ex told me that she gave him HPV and I believe it was chlamydia. Sucks for her and sucks for my friend. Absolutely disgusting. But really, who the fuck am I to talk? I'm probably a functioning infection by this point.

Anyway, the sleeping pill is kicking in or something.

-M

Snowing Outside, but it can't get any colder inside

Going back through my old posts and I found one from around this time last year. It was at this point in time that I didn't have any idea that I would be moving to North Carolina. It felt weird looking back on it because as much as things actually DID end up changing in 2013, not everything has been positive.

My grandfather appears to be circling the drain. My mom and my uncle are going to drive to Georgia and meet up with my other aunt and uncle and go visit him in the hospital to say their goodbyes. I'd love to be able to go and see him again and say goodbye but I just cant with my current financial situation. It's bad. I don't feel as sad I probably should, but things rarely make me cry these days. I feel like my heart has been hardened through enough adversity that it would take something drastic for me to shed an emotional tear. 

As much as I try and try to get women interested in me I never succeed. I really should just give up and not give a fuck. I've been "waiting" for damn near 30 fucking years, there's only so much time I can wait. I've made a lot of terrible decisions in my life and I am the ONLY one who has to pay for them. As such, I am dealing with my penance or whatever right now. 

I made this bed so I'm fucking laying down in it. 

I future endeavored Niki. She had a lot of cons anyway, but I wish it would have gone a different way. My anger will continue to force me to make a lot of terrible decisions. I need to figure out a way to vent. 

Tonight is the first time it has snowed since I've been here. Really awesome. The only downside is that it might cause me to miss work. I hope not though. I need the hours, like crazy. I hate being poor. But yet I can't seem to motivate myself enough to really hunker down and study my ass off for the ICND2 exam. I hate myself. I genuinely do. 

I have to remember to put my "happy" mask on in public more. I keep forgetting. 

-M 

The sad state of things

It's funny when someone who claims to be your friend tries to be an armchair psychiatrist whilst talking to you. If you don't know the facts, don't make shit up. That's not how it works. You are not helping, just annoying. Period. 

All the good intention in the world doesn't amount to anything if you aren't up to speed on the situation and are just talking out of your ass. I would call you out on this to your face, but we aren't in the same state anymore. 

*le sigh* Let me back up and give some perspective. 


This friend asked me how things were going and I responded truthfully.

Terribad. Trying not to think about it though. Hope you are continuing to do well.

 This was obviously not good enough for her. She wanted to lecture me about things. Things she knows nothing about. 

It really got me thinking. It's pretty sad when someone with an incurable disease can find someone to care about them and I can't. I mean real talk I might have an incurable disease as well, but I don't know about it. The point is that she knows and informed the guy and he doesn't care. Charlie Sheen would refer to this as "winning" if that reference isn't already completely dated. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying my damndest to make something happen one way or the other and not achieving anything. Ugh. It kinda sucks. 

Life didn't used to be such a failure. At some point I lost my way. I'm hoping I will be able to get back on the straight and narrow, but I'm not going to hold my breath. You know, just in case. 

In other news, lots of "awwwz" were had because of this gif of Kaitlyn and AJ Lee. 

I love AJ and actually had a dream where I met her. It was amazeballs and I am disappointed it didn't actually happen. 

Well that's it for now. 

-M

Forgotten Post Title: Afterthought

I've been making a concentrated effort to study for the CCENT. I was actually determined to take the exam two days from now. But, alas, I don't feel I am ready. I honestly feel like it isn't worth wasting $150 to find out. I took a practice test earlier and bombed the hell out of it, so yeah. I think more studying is in order, for sheezy. 

I'm pretty sure I might have mentioned this (as I might have mentioned THAT before), but I'm lonely as hell out here. I am halfway across the US from practically anyone I know, aside from my roommate. He is here because he has her, which is good and perfectly understandable. But me? I have nothing out here. No reason to even be here, other than the fact that I thought a change of scenery would do me good, ya know? There's nothing like seeing pictures on facebook of your friends back home partying without you to make you feel truly alone. While I feel that getting these IT certifications will do me good, I honestly wish things had turned out differently. 

As soon as I move from SA, they have a sweet ass ComicCon with wrestlers that I would have killed to meet. Basically the entire nWo, and Bret Hart. My friends that watch wrestling aren't wrestling fans. They are casual marks. The only person who truly used to enjoy it like me, now probably has no fucking clue what is going on. He is a writer now and gay (not that it matters, just stating a fact) and happy and couldn't care less about wrestling as far as I know.

But man, seeing those pictures of my friends...made me realize just how lonely I feel. One girl in particular, she looked damn amazing. She'd make an amazing wife, I know this for a fact. But she doesn't like me, just like none of the girls I ever develop feelings for do. Hell, even the girl I left behind in SA has stopped texting me as much because she has a "boyfriend." She told me via text that he is disgusting, but yet she considers them to be "together." Although I guess that her word really doesn't mean shit, considering that she told me she gave head to some other guy (not the bf) the other night. I wanted to call her a slut and all of the things that I would normally say in that situation. I wanted to ask her if she was drunk or what, but I didn't. I didn't really say much of anything. Only found out who the dude was and that it wasn't her boyfriend. I didn't even bother with a follow up or anything. Just checked her facebook....she has two friends named Ryan, and one of them looks like a dude she would probably hang out with on a regular basis. I should ask her about it, but that's just.....yeah. I don't even really want to talk to her. I honestly thought that me moving halfway across the US would make the messages stop. I mean, it's not like there's a chance for us anymore. Not that we necessarily had one before, but yeah. If she never messages me again I won't be sad. *shrugs*

I've been listening to a lot of the band A Lot Like Birds recently. They are damn awesome and its a shame I haven't heard of them until now. *le sigh* I wish I knew about more music. There are too many bands out there. lol. 

I've been thinking about Da__ a lot recently as well. This is the time of year when she would come in with a nice winter coat and be cold and all this. Every time I think about her cholo-ass baby daddy I just get angry. I wish I could take her out of that situation, and give her an amazing life. One day, when I have money. One day...

Alright I guess that's it for now. Laterz.

-M

Postulating about the future (hopefully I used that correctly)

I guess by this point I should try and think about the future. However short it may or may not be. 

I made a list of things that I need money for either coming up soon or things that I WANT to do/acquire in the future. Here it is:

-Car stuff: License, license plates, insurance, transmission(? not sure but there's SOMETHING wrong)
-Tattoos: The Mega Man tats I mentioned before, this sweet Doctor Who logo thing, my niece's initials, and some FFAF lyrics. 
-Dog! And related accessories. I want a dog man. It would definitely help with the loneliness. 
-My certification exams

It sucks that money is what makes the world go around. Well at least to me since I don't have much of it. Heh. 


In other news, I skyped with the SA group on saturday night. It was nice. I felt like I was there, aside from the lack of ability to eat their food. lol. They keep having the impression that I'm going back to visit soon. That's probably my fault, but I mostly said that because I figured it would go over better than "well see ya'll never." Ya know? *shrugs*

Things are going alright. I wish I could say they were getting better but I haven't gotten to that point yet. 

Alright I'm out. 

-M

Outside Happy. Inside Angry and Bitter

Today I learned: that "fairly quick" means 30 minutes or more.

Friend (9:32):

Making a quick HEB run...should be fairly quick...

Friend (10:04):

About to leave HEB

I really don't understand some people, especially this guy. It's as if he not only doesn't think about others, but if in the off chance that he does think about others that he just doesn't give TWO FUCKS. This mofo knows I work early. Well he SHOULD. He probably doesn't, because he's who/the way he is. Asshat. 

I want to let people know that I'm pissed off/bitter/depressed/angry, but I know that no one wants to hear it. Who does? Especially at this time of the year (holidays). So instead I have chosen this as my outlet. To everyone else I will appear happy or at least NOT sad. lmao. But that isn't the case. I couldn't be worse off. I feel like crap. I'm depressed and the holidays bring out the worst because I want to have someone. I know that I don't deserve someone, but that doesn't mean I don't want them. Ya know? Meh. 

I have to go make a social appearance. I might be back later but I doubt it. *shrugs*

-M

More of the Same

I've been friendzoned for the umpteenth time. Actually, I've been "familyzoned" instead. The one single girl in the group was at a LAN we were having and she was talking about how she needed to meet new people and get out and date and whatnot when she started naming people she would go out with. She mentioned a few people we knew and then said my name. And I replied with "No you wouldn't" and she agreed. She said "I love you Matt. You are like my brother." *le sigh*


I'm used to the idea of rejection because it happens so much, but that hardly makes it any easier to deal with. 


And then to complicate things even further, she proceeds to tell me that she likes the only OTHER single dude in the group. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Being the "great friend" and practically "brother" that I am, I agree to help her find out if he is interested in her. Begrudgingly I ask him, and I am actually shocked to hear that he isn't. (WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? My mind collectively gasps.) So now not only does she like someone else, but he doesn't like her back. 

What. The. Fuck.

Fate, you are the cruelest of mistresses. My will and resolve is at an all time low at this point. I keep going from one extreme to the other in my head:


One second,"I should lose weight so that girls will be interested in me!" 
The next, "I should just say 'Fuck everything' and continue on my downward spiral!"


Even my brother's wife was asking me about women and stuff when I went over for father's day. She was like, "You should try online dating!" To which I replied that I had been doing that for years now, which I never said anything to anyone about because my efforts have been futile. Thanks for the idea and attempt at encouragement, but it's not like I haven't been trying to find a woman for fucks sake. I know how pathetic it is to be almost 30 without a wife, let alone girlfriend or significant other. Not even having prospects sucks. 


I used to embrace the whole Gemini thing as a positive....but I'm beginning to see the whole 'two-faced' aspect of it as the negative that it actually is. I was under the impression for the longest time that I could get by on just my personality (since obviously my looks aren't/weren't cutting it). But I've come to the realization that I'm wrong. Not only am I an ugly dude, but my personality isn't all it is cracked up to be. (Or what I thought it was.)


Well I have a busy/stupid day tomorrow at work that I need to get rested for, so I'm out. I'll try and update again soon. 


-M

The Dark Days Are Returning

Lo and behold! It is a new year. (I'm only 20 some odd days off and even later in updating this. Whatevs.)

I can't say that I haven't been thinking about blogging. I think about it a lot actually. The problem lies in the fact that the times in which I think of something witty or great to talk about don't directly correlate with the free time with which my brain is functioning perfectly. What I mean to say is that the free time I do have in order to update this blog with is normally the time when I should be sleeping or resting. Having 2 jobs while going to school is a killer. That's a nice segue-way to the point of this blog entry... 

What the hell am I doing with my life??? I'm 27 years old, still live at home and I work not one but TWO shitty restaurant jobs. I'm overweight and have no love life whatsoever to speak of. 

The romance part has always been difficult for me. Ever since I broke up with the GF of 2 years over a year ago, there hasn't exactly been a steady stream of girls entering my life. To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect things to turn out how they have. (Does anyone ever?) It's a long and complicated story, but the gist of it is that I broke up with the GF because I wasn't getting sex. And not only that, but I broke up with her because I seriously thought (mistake on my part) that I was going to have sex with someone else. Someone from my past who I thought was going to be part of my future. I was so fucking wrong its ridiculous. Not only did I not get sex with this woman EITHER, but she disappeared from the face of the earth! Cell phone turned off (I'm not blocked. I called her # from 3 different phones in order to check. :P), facebook/okcupid profile deleted, doesn't log on to messenger and doesn't respond to emails. Fucking crazy....

So that's the start of the current "slump" I am in. Baseball analogies are normally lost on people that aren't fans, so if that is you I apologize. A slump in baseball means a batter who hasn't gotten a hit in a long while. If you think about it literally, it makes sense as an analogy. *shrugs*

Anyway, so if you count the girl I referenced as the start then let's refer to her as woman 1. So I am 0 for 1 in terms of the dating department last year. This was in the spring/early summer. Nothing new happened until around August. I am so pathetic that I took it upon myself to post an ad on Craigslist looking for love. I was basically calling out all the females in this city who claim to love nerds and all this, when someone like me (clearly a full-fledged, card carrying member of the nerd club) can't find anyone. Well one girl responded and she wasn't all that cute, but we had a lot of things in common. I am in the stage of my life where I am not going for the "OMG hot girl" anymore. I thought by this time in my life I would be married and on my way to starting a family. Again, fucking wrong. 

Regardless, I thought I would give woman 2 a shot since we seemed to get along well. Things were going swimmingly untill....well, I actually don't have any fucking idea what the problem was. We went from being cool and talking one day to absolutely nothing the next. To make matters worse, the bitch had the nerve to come into my workplace and then hide in her hoodie when I went out to approach her. If you want to act like I don't exist, then a good start would be not going to my fucking workplace. Dumbass. She knew I worked there because she had visited me there twice previously. Whatevs, over Bitch 2. 

The setting is now around fall/xmas time. I meet a girl at work and start to catch feelings for her, which seems to be a recurring theme with me. I always fall for the girls who show me any sort of kindness. Most of the time it is my "best friend" (who happens to be female) that it happens with. Other times it is just a girl that I converse with a lot. I will try and explain more on that in a bit, but I want to try and finish this thought first. Ok so the girl at work and I talk a lot and me in all of my stupidity actually believe that there is something there. Hell fucking no. She likes one of my friends, como siempre. *le sigh* He liked her too, so like I ALWAYS DO, I stepped aside to give someone else a shot at happiness. I really am a fucking retard. *slaps self in the face*

Needless to say, I moved out of the way thinking that they could be happy together but somewhere along the way one of them fucked it up. I don't even know all of the details since they both refuse to speak about it, but I do know that she is absolutely swearing off men. Well that is what she is telling me anyway. I let her know I still liked her (even though I was positive she already knew this) and she basically encouraged me to move on and not wait for her because she doesn't know when she will be ready for another relationship. I wasn't specifically bothered by being friend zoned for the Umpteenth time, but I WAS bothered by the fact that she wouldn't give me a straight answer as to why. I asked her if it was because I was fat or stupid or offensive or whatever. My reason for that is because if I know it is something that I will never be able to change, then I can at least move on with knowledge that it was just never meant to be. But when you are basically leading me on and not giving me a straight answer as to why we can't be, that's when shit gets annoying. 

During this whole drama with girl 3, woman 4 enters the picture. I met her via OkCupid. We started talking on AIM and texting and talking on the phone. Well I went to meet her in person and let me tell you....woman are goddamn sneaky bastards when it comes to taking pictures. This woman was either a professional photoshop artist, or just damn clever at finding her best angles because she didn't look anything like her pictures. Ugh. Whatevs, I am going for personality anyway right? Well it didn't go very well in that department either. I couldn't tell if she was nervous around me or just uncomfortable, but the whole time we spent together felt really forced and so I didn't immediately follow up on it. She knew I didn't like her though, as she let me know via txt in the ensuing days. 

So as woman 4 basically says that she is done, woman 3 firmly cements me in the friend zone and tells me to move the fuck on. So that's 0 for 4 in one year. :(

There really is something about me that people don't like. I know that I am extremely quick to anger. My short temper is legendary at work. I used to think that I could get by on just my personality alone, but I've finally begun to realize that that isn't the case. I really need to work on getting in shape. But that is neither here nor there. 

There is one relationship that I have right now that I can honestly say that I never thought I would have: a plutonic one. There is this girl that works at the newer of my two jobs that makes me absolutely happy and we have no feelings for each other in any way other than friendship. She is happily in a relationship with a child and I respect that. I can't say I wouldn't try to pursue her if she were single, but it's just not about that with us. I go into work and if she is there I am happy and smiling. If she's not, I am quiet and keep to myself. I don't know how it is for her obviously, but we enjoy talking to one another and I genuinely do appreciate her. I got her a card for xmas just as a way of saying thank you for being friends with a dude like me. *shrugs*

I dunno. 

The title of this entry is referring to a time period in my life a few years ago when I was deeply depressed. I had got out of a relationship, kicked out of grad school, no car, no job, and things were super shitty. I wished death upon myself. I prayed for it. Of course god being god he is either granting me my wish very slowly, or isn't. I guess we will see in the future eh? But yeah, I feel that depression creeping back up on me. After going 0 and 4 in the relationship department and no prospects on the horizon, I just feel like I'm wasting my life. I need to get my own place and get out and find random girls to screw. I need to get so shitfaced that I sleep through one of my shifts and get fired. I need to fucking live my life.....but I can't. I am so screwed that I am forced to stay here. I am forced to work 2 jobs to pay bills because I'm not a smart enough man to not buy shit with my credit cards. I'm not smart enough to have gotten a degree actually worth a damn in the first place. I'm not smart enough to figure a way out. I guess if you consider spending another 5 years in school and putting myself further into debt a way out then alright. 

Maybe I should sell all of my shit in order to pay my bills and then work on getting the fuck out of my parents house and go from there. It might be a start. 

Who knows. 

Until next time...

-M