Normal people do things like go out on dates; watch as I write this in solitude

My roommate (let's just go with S. for privacy's sake) S is going out on a date tonight. Well, more so a "go to a bar and drink and get to know you" thing. But knowing him, they will probably be fucking later. Thank god I took my sleeping pill. I just hope he doesn't drunkenly turn on music like last time...FML. Jeez.

Rachel texted me again yesterday and our conversation was kind of standoff-like; mostly my fault. I am upset with her that she is talking to guys...even though she friend-zoned me and hasn't done anything wrong. It's completely irrational and I know this. But do I "relax" like so many people tell me to do? Nope. I lash out at the one person who seems to actually show interest in my well-being. Although to be fair she wasn't really around when I was in NC. But that's how it goes right? When I was in NC, my SA friends weren't around and now that I'm back in SA my NC friends aren't around.

I think about S all of the time and I looked at my text history and noticed that we haven't texted each other since last december. 8 months. I already knew that our friendship changed as soon as she met her husband (before they got married) but damn. It's like the facebook status I posted a while back: out of sight, out of mind.

Speaking of facebook, it was around this time 2 years ago that E and I were talking according to the "on this day" memories thing. That was a high point in my life that I doubt I will ever get to again.

I need to do something drastic and I might have found it. I doubt that I will get it, but I am thinking about applying to work in the oil fields out in Sweeny, Texas. I don't imagine how I could isolate myself anymore than that, while still remaining relatively within reach of my family and "friends" in Texas.

I'm disgusted with people lately. Especially these "friends" that I have. Mostly my roommate and a different female friend since they fucked. He is such a playboy and bangs all sort of girls. He has a little black book with a shitload of women's name in it. If I didn't know about 1/8th of the names in it, I wouldn't even believe it. But he finally was able to add another of my friends' name to it. They both said they would never do that with each other....but of course that isn't true. Alcohol and desperation works wonders eh? Makes me sick. Especially because he told me that she was like, "I pride myself on being clean and not having any STDs" and he told her that he was clean. I know that isn't the case. His ex told me that she gave him HPV and I believe it was chlamydia. Sucks for her and sucks for my friend. Absolutely disgusting. But really, who the fuck am I to talk? I'm probably a functioning infection by this point.

Anyway, the sleeping pill is kicking in or something.

-M

Let Down Again?

You'd think I would be used to being disappointed/let down by my friends, but nope. Every time I ask them for something and they let me down it never gets any easier. I keep clinging to the disbelief that they will let me down. I hope they would realize how important things are to me, but nah.

Im fucking tired of them. And tired in general actually. So very tired...

Postulating about the future (hopefully I used that correctly)

I guess by this point I should try and think about the future. However short it may or may not be. 

I made a list of things that I need money for either coming up soon or things that I WANT to do/acquire in the future. Here it is:

-Car stuff: License, license plates, insurance, transmission(? not sure but there's SOMETHING wrong)
-Tattoos: The Mega Man tats I mentioned before, this sweet Doctor Who logo thing, my niece's initials, and some FFAF lyrics. 
-Dog! And related accessories. I want a dog man. It would definitely help with the loneliness. 
-My certification exams

It sucks that money is what makes the world go around. Well at least to me since I don't have much of it. Heh. 


In other news, I skyped with the SA group on saturday night. It was nice. I felt like I was there, aside from the lack of ability to eat their food. lol. They keep having the impression that I'm going back to visit soon. That's probably my fault, but I mostly said that because I figured it would go over better than "well see ya'll never." Ya know? *shrugs*

Things are going alright. I wish I could say they were getting better but I haven't gotten to that point yet. 

Alright I'm out. 

-M