Still Uncertain

Not much has changed since my last update almost a month ago. I still feel the same way, if not worse. When I am at work and have time to think, I dream up all of these plans and ideas to do once I get home. After I am home I disregard all of it and go back to doing the same fucking thing I've been doing; absolutely nothing. Hell writing this update is probably the most 'productive' I have been in a while. I don't understand it. This has to be depression.

Last night I decided I wanted to drink beer...and so I proceeded to buy and drink a whole six pack in the span of about and hour and a half. I felt sick after the 6th one, but I didn't throw up. I feel like I use too many goddamn commas as well. Whatever.

My friend Rachel has been texting me periodically and I snapped at her the other day for no real reason. I already feel very alone and like I don't have people I can confide in anymore so I definitely should not have done that. I apologized to her but she said that it wasn't anything to apologize over and such. Okay. I need to shake all of the nonsense holding me down/back but I can't see/imagine how I am going to.

Even looking for friends has not panned out. I mean I could go to a meetup or two, but I just haven't. Been super lazy. Bleh. I need some sort of outlet for everything that I am feeling. Pain/frustration/loneliness/etc.

What sucks the most is that I put myself into this position. I have made terrible mistakes and have too much emotional baggage. I'm also not in a great position financially. All of that is why I can't be with someone. All I ever wanted was to have a wife, kids, house, etc. Typical american family type of shit. Instead my fear of dying alone has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fucking goddamn it.

It's probably better this way, that I go it alone. But damn if it doesn't hurt and feel like the worst pain imaginable.

Some people are trying to have a spouse AND someone on the side, while others (like me) can't even seem to get ONE person. Its goddamn unfair and I hate those greedy motherfuckers.

Meh.

I'm starting to get tired so I'm going to end this post now.

-M

What is it even?

My mind went blank as I started to write this. I think it had something to do with women as always. Not positive though.

I'm washing clothes. Yay! /sarcasm

Things are returning to the way they were 'pre-NC' and I'm just shrugging. I can't do it alone, and yet that is how I've been trying. Everyone is getting married or having kids or at least in a relationship and then there's me: not doing anything. Maybe I should have stuck with Edith. *shrugs*

I've sorta given up trying as well. I haven't deleted OKC yet though. I need to get on that.

-M

I Realize Why Now....Sorta

I think I know why the updates to this blog are so infrequent: I really only feel like writing about my life when it's not going so great. Which, I can see why that would make sense; if I had awesome stuff going on, there wouldn't be a reason to sit here and pour my heart out to a blog that only I read. Know what I mean?

It's back again (or did it never leave?), that feeling of doom and depression. I got friendzoned AGAIN yesterday. By a girl that I thought I might have had some sort of future with. But I guess I always think that. Who tries to date someone that they don't think they have a future with right? *shrugs* I haven't claimed to be intelligent for quite some time now.

I say this now and I've said it before (so we will see if/when it sticks) but I am giving up on finding someone. I will be 31 this year and I honestly didn't expect to make it to this point due to the myriad of illnesses that I KNOW I have that aren't currently diagnosed. Like the bruise/spot on my right leg that sometimes hurts like crazy but other times is perfectly fine. I will probably never know what THAT is about. But back to the giving up thing....I deleted Tinder and disabled my plenty of fish account. I haven't gotten rid of OkCupid yet, but I will. I'm trying to hard, instead of just letting it happen. And by this point, I doubt it will. I've spent so much time trying to fight fate that I'm willing to accept defeat. You can't go against what life has in store for you. You are only delaying the inevitable and even that only works for so long. How can you expect to alter the threads of fate when you don't even have a clue how they work? You can't. I've tried.

Things with the friend that I mentioned in the previous entry are definitely almost over. She has a boyfriend now and a full house and a busy and wonderful life I'm sure. She doesn't even respond to the questions I ask her via text. Instead she replies back with random shit. Like today I asked her what's up and she replied with "Do you need a Vacuum?" What.The.Fuck. No I don't need a fucking Vacuum. I need you to be there for me when I need to talk. But you are probably too busy having an amazing life to make time for me. I fucked up at some point along the way and you realized that I would only bring you down, which is great for you. I knew you were smart as hell. I guess I just didn't expect you to realize that so soon and thought I could get at least a year of friendship out of you before you bailed. Ah well. Shame on me for trying to think. I need to just keep bullshitting my way through life, as I have been. But without companionship. Jason won't abandon me, unless I start spiraling into drugs or drinking or something. He's too nice. I'm sure he wants to kick me out as it is. I should try looking for my own place once I get on my feet.

At least I am finally starting to make a bit of headway on the debt that I have. If I live long enough, I might actually start to pay some of it off! Heh, I'll be surprised if that happens though. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still here as it is.

It's heartbreaking to know that everyone around me can seem to get into or out of relationships as they please. Even my friends who are single are still happy. They get to DATE and have sex and all the normal shit that people our age should be doing. I feel like the characters in Kurt Vonnegut's "TimeQuake" except that I can only hope and pray that someone will walk up to me and tell me "you were sick but now you're well. And there's work to do."

Heh, are hallucinations a symptom of depression?

-M

Oh, the one bright spot in my life? I found out that the band BABYMETAL kicks ass. 

Understanding references years out when you finally see what was being referenced...

For years I never understood why one of my friends referred to himself as 'Battousai' or some variation of his name + Battousai online. I had no idea that he was referencing an anime, yet alone which particular anime. (It's not like there is a shortage of anime out there.) I don't remember how I came across it specifically, but I ended up looking up Rurouni Kenshin on Wikipedia and thinking that it sounded great. Having watched three episodes thus far, I can say that it's living up to its reputation up to this point. The connection between the two things is that 'Battousai' is a term from Kenshin, which makes total sense now that I think about it. The friend in question is a huge anime nerd, so yea. 

Funny how that works right? I wonder if people will ever understand things I've referenced waaay later. Nah, I doubt anyone cares enough to remember. Meh. 

I've been feeling especially alone out here. I mean I live with Jason, but he's gonna about 70% of the time. And aside from him and his girlfriend (who I have yet to see or talk to in person since being out here) I don't know anyone. I've met people at Chili's, but with the exception of the whale in the aforementioned entry there's not exactly any interest in me. I think I cracked that case, and it actually has to do with the fact that all of the good looking ladies there are already taken. I mean me being ugly or unattractive or unappealing or whatever COULD have something to do with it, but in general mostly everyone has someone already. The only remedy is to get in better shape so I can attract a non-whale. 

Its the same story all the time. Even on OkCupid. I browse profiles to find girls that I think I would be compatible with and send them messages. They either don't respond to the message, or they see it and choose not to respond to it for whatever reason. My once thought of 'flawless' personality does indeed have some flaws. I gave myself too much credit and now I'm trying to fix that. I need to try and be humble. I need to stop being so quick to get angry. I need to relax. I need to stop stressing. 

I've just come across the band "Meg and Dia" via a dubstep remix to one of their songs, and I think I like them. Their songs are good and chill. I feel relaxed. 

Well relaxed and tired. And depressed. And lonely. *le sigh*

I've been thinking more and more about getting a tattoo or three. lmao. Right now the idea(s) I have are: Mega Man on my left calf, Proto Man on my right, and some funeral for a friend lyrics on my back. That'd be outstanding. But that requires money....something that is in short supply at the moment. Meh. 

Guess that's it for now. 

-M

The Dark Days Are Returning

Lo and behold! It is a new year. (I'm only 20 some odd days off and even later in updating this. Whatevs.)

I can't say that I haven't been thinking about blogging. I think about it a lot actually. The problem lies in the fact that the times in which I think of something witty or great to talk about don't directly correlate with the free time with which my brain is functioning perfectly. What I mean to say is that the free time I do have in order to update this blog with is normally the time when I should be sleeping or resting. Having 2 jobs while going to school is a killer. That's a nice segue-way to the point of this blog entry... 

What the hell am I doing with my life??? I'm 27 years old, still live at home and I work not one but TWO shitty restaurant jobs. I'm overweight and have no love life whatsoever to speak of. 

The romance part has always been difficult for me. Ever since I broke up with the GF of 2 years over a year ago, there hasn't exactly been a steady stream of girls entering my life. To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect things to turn out how they have. (Does anyone ever?) It's a long and complicated story, but the gist of it is that I broke up with the GF because I wasn't getting sex. And not only that, but I broke up with her because I seriously thought (mistake on my part) that I was going to have sex with someone else. Someone from my past who I thought was going to be part of my future. I was so fucking wrong its ridiculous. Not only did I not get sex with this woman EITHER, but she disappeared from the face of the earth! Cell phone turned off (I'm not blocked. I called her # from 3 different phones in order to check. :P), facebook/okcupid profile deleted, doesn't log on to messenger and doesn't respond to emails. Fucking crazy....

So that's the start of the current "slump" I am in. Baseball analogies are normally lost on people that aren't fans, so if that is you I apologize. A slump in baseball means a batter who hasn't gotten a hit in a long while. If you think about it literally, it makes sense as an analogy. *shrugs*

Anyway, so if you count the girl I referenced as the start then let's refer to her as woman 1. So I am 0 for 1 in terms of the dating department last year. This was in the spring/early summer. Nothing new happened until around August. I am so pathetic that I took it upon myself to post an ad on Craigslist looking for love. I was basically calling out all the females in this city who claim to love nerds and all this, when someone like me (clearly a full-fledged, card carrying member of the nerd club) can't find anyone. Well one girl responded and she wasn't all that cute, but we had a lot of things in common. I am in the stage of my life where I am not going for the "OMG hot girl" anymore. I thought by this time in my life I would be married and on my way to starting a family. Again, fucking wrong. 

Regardless, I thought I would give woman 2 a shot since we seemed to get along well. Things were going swimmingly untill....well, I actually don't have any fucking idea what the problem was. We went from being cool and talking one day to absolutely nothing the next. To make matters worse, the bitch had the nerve to come into my workplace and then hide in her hoodie when I went out to approach her. If you want to act like I don't exist, then a good start would be not going to my fucking workplace. Dumbass. She knew I worked there because she had visited me there twice previously. Whatevs, over Bitch 2. 

The setting is now around fall/xmas time. I meet a girl at work and start to catch feelings for her, which seems to be a recurring theme with me. I always fall for the girls who show me any sort of kindness. Most of the time it is my "best friend" (who happens to be female) that it happens with. Other times it is just a girl that I converse with a lot. I will try and explain more on that in a bit, but I want to try and finish this thought first. Ok so the girl at work and I talk a lot and me in all of my stupidity actually believe that there is something there. Hell fucking no. She likes one of my friends, como siempre. *le sigh* He liked her too, so like I ALWAYS DO, I stepped aside to give someone else a shot at happiness. I really am a fucking retard. *slaps self in the face*

Needless to say, I moved out of the way thinking that they could be happy together but somewhere along the way one of them fucked it up. I don't even know all of the details since they both refuse to speak about it, but I do know that she is absolutely swearing off men. Well that is what she is telling me anyway. I let her know I still liked her (even though I was positive she already knew this) and she basically encouraged me to move on and not wait for her because she doesn't know when she will be ready for another relationship. I wasn't specifically bothered by being friend zoned for the Umpteenth time, but I WAS bothered by the fact that she wouldn't give me a straight answer as to why. I asked her if it was because I was fat or stupid or offensive or whatever. My reason for that is because if I know it is something that I will never be able to change, then I can at least move on with knowledge that it was just never meant to be. But when you are basically leading me on and not giving me a straight answer as to why we can't be, that's when shit gets annoying. 

During this whole drama with girl 3, woman 4 enters the picture. I met her via OkCupid. We started talking on AIM and texting and talking on the phone. Well I went to meet her in person and let me tell you....woman are goddamn sneaky bastards when it comes to taking pictures. This woman was either a professional photoshop artist, or just damn clever at finding her best angles because she didn't look anything like her pictures. Ugh. Whatevs, I am going for personality anyway right? Well it didn't go very well in that department either. I couldn't tell if she was nervous around me or just uncomfortable, but the whole time we spent together felt really forced and so I didn't immediately follow up on it. She knew I didn't like her though, as she let me know via txt in the ensuing days. 

So as woman 4 basically says that she is done, woman 3 firmly cements me in the friend zone and tells me to move the fuck on. So that's 0 for 4 in one year. :(

There really is something about me that people don't like. I know that I am extremely quick to anger. My short temper is legendary at work. I used to think that I could get by on just my personality alone, but I've finally begun to realize that that isn't the case. I really need to work on getting in shape. But that is neither here nor there. 

There is one relationship that I have right now that I can honestly say that I never thought I would have: a plutonic one. There is this girl that works at the newer of my two jobs that makes me absolutely happy and we have no feelings for each other in any way other than friendship. She is happily in a relationship with a child and I respect that. I can't say I wouldn't try to pursue her if she were single, but it's just not about that with us. I go into work and if she is there I am happy and smiling. If she's not, I am quiet and keep to myself. I don't know how it is for her obviously, but we enjoy talking to one another and I genuinely do appreciate her. I got her a card for xmas just as a way of saying thank you for being friends with a dude like me. *shrugs*

I dunno. 

The title of this entry is referring to a time period in my life a few years ago when I was deeply depressed. I had got out of a relationship, kicked out of grad school, no car, no job, and things were super shitty. I wished death upon myself. I prayed for it. Of course god being god he is either granting me my wish very slowly, or isn't. I guess we will see in the future eh? But yeah, I feel that depression creeping back up on me. After going 0 and 4 in the relationship department and no prospects on the horizon, I just feel like I'm wasting my life. I need to get my own place and get out and find random girls to screw. I need to get so shitfaced that I sleep through one of my shifts and get fired. I need to fucking live my life.....but I can't. I am so screwed that I am forced to stay here. I am forced to work 2 jobs to pay bills because I'm not a smart enough man to not buy shit with my credit cards. I'm not smart enough to have gotten a degree actually worth a damn in the first place. I'm not smart enough to figure a way out. I guess if you consider spending another 5 years in school and putting myself further into debt a way out then alright. 

Maybe I should sell all of my shit in order to pay my bills and then work on getting the fuck out of my parents house and go from there. It might be a start. 

Who knows. 

Until next time...

-M