Stuck in a loop I can't get out of

So it's Mother's Day 2015 and I can't wish my mom a happy one because her cell phone is cut off at the moment. *shrugs*

I've been trying to have female interaction all day to no avail. I reached out this one new girl who went to see Age of Ultron with the meetup group and she friendzoned me already. Okay, cool. No worries.

I didn't delete my old OKC but I did make a new one. And Sarah from up nawth found me on it again. I didn't realize it before but I think she might like me slightly. She obviously knows I had a crush on S. and not her though. I can't believe I was so naive to think that I actually had a chance with S. It has taken me this long to come up with the courage to write it out, but basically one of the reasons E and I broke up was because I thought S and I were going to become a thing. Well I didn't think that; I wanted it. There is indeed a difference, but I thought I had major brownie points for all of the cool shit I did for her. Oh well. It all matters for naught (not?) in the long run.

I look like shit today anyway so I'm realizing that female companionship might not be in my best interest. Funny how things work out nothing like you planned. For me at least. Nothing ever does.

It's fine. I'm going to die alone and mal-adapted. One of the only reasons I can think as to why I'm not being/staying with anyone or even receiving opportunities is because I don't deserve them. I've made a lot of dumb mistakes and they're going to be the death of me.

My whole family seems to have ended up in very shitty situations with no hope of improvement so might as well just enjoy the ride for however long it lasts, which I don't anticipate to be long.

It's been a year since I was dating Meredith and thought my life had improved so much. Other than a decent job, nothing in my life is particularly great. I have little to friends, and even the ones I do have are hesitant to say anything to me. Especially about all of the fancy vegas trips they were going on and shit.

I'm contemplating just deleting facebook entirely. It doesn't seem to have been an issue for Ruben. Of course he has money and is a bit more outgoing than I, so I'm sure he is able to adapt better. Me....I'd probably go the G route and delete and come back 5 times in a week. I dunno. Speaking of, she's doing great. Hell, all of my friends are doing great pretty much. What does that say about them vs. me? The majority of them are in relationships or have friends near to them but maybe they're just content with their life. I know I'm not. And I keep gaining and losing motivation to do anything about it. I genuinely despise interacting with the general populace as most of them are retarded as shit. But it doesn't look like online dating is working out for me, which isn't surprising. My face is not symmetrical; if I didn't do that thing with my nostrils as a child and if my ears weren't different sizes and if I weren't going bald and could rock some decent hair I might be okay. But none of that is the case. I wish I had never heard Sylvia talk about LC CE in Chili's that one day. My life would be a lot different, maybe.

I should have lower standards. I don't know HOW in the fuck I managed to land E but now that she has gotten away, I know that opportunity won't ever come along again. I should have held on tight instead of pushing away. Her situation was kind of fucked up, but it could have worked out. Thing is, there's a lot that I was never told. I'm certain she just wanted to get out and not have anything to do with me. Can't say I blame her there. I'd be remiss if I said I understood why she liked me. Especially when so many others don't. As I said, I just have too high of standards. I should write a list of my wants in a significant other and then cut that sumbitch in half and see if I have any luck. And then if I STILL don't have any luck then I will know that I am most definitely an un-datable piece of shit. Which I am fairly certain is the case, but w/e.

I just feel so alone. Even The Isaac, who used to send me youtube videos has apparently abandoned me. Great. I miss him. I just need to put my teeth to the grindstone and get more certifications and rack up EXP and then move back to San Antonio. Especially if my roommate's girlfriend is supposed to be moving in with us, it might get to be a problem. She's cool, but I dunno man. My best friend/roommate has been super amazing and totally saved my life by letting me live here, but the more I see here the more I realize that this isn't my home. I wanted it to be, I really did. But I'm like a transplanted organ and the host (NC) is rejecting me. Fitting considering the shape I'm in.

Speaking of shape, I'm almost down to 193 which is where I was at before I started at EN I believe. God it's taken forever. I'm trying to be good until my birthday, when I will absolutely splurge and go wild.

A random thought just occurred to me, but I immediately thought better of it. I had the wild idea that I should fly home for my birthday weekend, but nah. Too expensive and the entire semantics of it would be a nightmare, in the long run.

I still want to get a tattoo, but I think my first one is going to end up being a Spur on one of my shoulders in honor of my San Antonio Spurs. But it depends on if I can get the money for it, since tats can be expensive. (Right Sean? lmao)

But who the fuck am I to criticize anyone? No one. I've fucked up more times than I can count. I dunno man.

-M

Dream a little dream

I had a dream about my crush from my previous job last night. I thought I had managed to remove her from my mind since I was never going to see her again (theoretically). But I guess my subconscious still isn't over her. I can't blame it, we didn't exactly get any sort of closure whatsoever. Oh well.

I'm still reeling (not sure that's the correct word) from the whole FZ thing of this weekend. I should have known better; better than to try and find a companion. But part of me feels like I still deserve someone....even though that part is probably slowly decaying and will rot off eventually. I hope it does. At least that way I will have a definitive way of feeling, instead of this teeter-tottering, back and forth, bullshit. Gah.

Today at the new job was cool. I was the only one to get 4 rings set-up out of the 4 new people who were assigned. I did take it as a challenge, and I DID succeed. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm positive that the guys know that I don't have as much technically knowledge as they do, but I will be damned if having a guide/directions won't allow me to do something. Shiiiiit. lol.

-M

P. S. Beware the ides of March and all that. (Yes I know I'm late. Shoot me.) 

Am I doing what I always do? Over-analyzing things? Worrying too much?

Ironically enough, since my last entry I went on a date with a really adorable girl who genuinely seemed into me. She gave me a kiss on the lips at the end of the date. That never happens!

But, in typical fashion I might have screwed up already. I'm not sure though. I haven't hear from her in over 24 hours now, and I get the feeling that it might be my fault. I don't plan on texting her again anytime soon since I've texted her THREE times without a response. She knows I like her (and I thought she liked me) but I don't want to seem overly anxious. The last thing the poor girl probably wants is to be smothered by some chubby bald almost 30yr old who barely gets by. 

I'm seriously stressing over this, and I shouldn't be. Today was the first time since I've started my new job that I seriously didn't want to be there. I had a headache and felt like crap pretty much the entire day. I didn't work ANY tickets, but technically we're still in training so it's okay. But yeah. She already texted me intermittently but I get the feeling I might have pushed her across the edge to the 'not going to text' side. Or there could be something wrong, like her phone being broken or she lost it or whatever. I have no idea. I really shouldn't worry about it, but I am. I can't help it. I probably should be able to not cling so hard, but I can't. Stupid heart, why do you have to fall so easily? 

Bah.

Hopefully I will update with better news soon. 

-M 

Coming out of the woodwork

 It's really funny to me how some of my friends don't seem to give a shit about saying/doing anything to/for me until someone else starts getting attention. I recently posted on facebook about some mail I received from my "nephew" and my friend replied: 

" I love those drawings! I remember seeing them sitting on the kitchen table a few weeks ago. I still have those Warframe things from PAX to send you! I couldn't get any autographs at Comic-Con though. Everyone you'd care for already left by the time we got there."

Riiiiight. If you gave any sort of shits, you would have made it to comic-con early. And the warframe stuff took no effort, so don't act like that was such a burden on you. But its whatevs. I will attempt to be the nice guy regardless because one day the situation might be reversed (but I doubt it). 

I wanted to say more but I have to get ready for work. Later.

-M

It's a Start

So I am now a CCENT, or CCENT certified. Whatevs. Not sure if I will be able to get out of restaurants with just this certification, but I hope so. I'm tired of all the restaurant bullshit.

I think Im going to have a hard time, with no experience and all. Maybe I can find an unpaid internship or something. The sooner Im out of cooking, the better.

On a different note, I think its funny that she wants me now. Now that she is potentially in the worst situation of her life (practically used up), she would be willing to settle down with me. Kinda BS if you think about it, considering that she was my first option and now Im her last. Im only entertaining the idea because Im so fucking lonely here. I might as well be in Siberia for fucks sake.

So I saw D____la on someone's facebook page. It was nice to see her, if even in pictures. It looks like she is doing well. I will never forget the good times, even though they were only at work. Lol. I added her as a friend, but Im sure her douche-weed baby daddy will deny me. Whatever. I just mainly wanted her to know that I was thinking about her.

I guess thats it for now.

-M

2013 already? More disappointment in store, I'm sure

It is now 18 days into the new year and I have yet to feel/see any changes other than the date. Everyone always says something great will happen, and yadda this and yadda that, but it is all horseshit. I talked to my brother during Christmas and he was talking to me about "when you get married and have kids" and all this other shit. I tried to explain to him that that was not going to happen, but he said that it would eventually or whatever. For fucks sake man, if I am giving up on it, then so should you. Quit trying to make me having a normal or happy life happen. It's not going to. 

In other news, 

We are now in the feeling out process. By we I mean me and a girl that I've been talking to from craigslist. Yes the same craigslist that I said I couldn't get a girl to like me from. I have never met this girl, yet we've been in communication since November. I barely saw a picture of her like last week, even though I sent my pics waaaay back in the first email. Such is life. I've been wanting to meet so that I can know if I am wasting my time or not. She on the other hand is apparently enjoying the ride regardless and could care less about seeing me in person. I guess if our appearances were reversed then I'd probably feel the same way too. *shrugs* I dunno. I guess the texting every day thing is nice. I kinda miss not having someone that was interested in my every day life. And while I doubt the sincerity of her interest, the feigning of concern is good enough. I am through trying to meet her though. Balls in her court on that one.

So I've been hearing my mom coughing a lot lately. It's not good. It sounds like the coughing of my neighbor that I had when I was younger who died from lung cancer caused by cigarettes. If I close my eyes and just listen to the noise it sounds damn near identical. I don't want to think about losing a parent at this day and age. It was almost at this point last year when my father had a heart attack. I was scared of losing him then and the thought of either one of my parents passing right now is not something I want to think about. Why did my family have to be so fucked up? How come my brother was the only one to make it out okay? Why do I always let my emotions get the better of me? 

I have no answers to these questions. Only more questions to put on top. Until next time.

-M

Drawing Closer to the End (jumping around as I write)

With each passing day it feels like the I am getting closer to the end. It is getting more difficult to sleep each night and the pain is the hardest to ignore it has ever been. 

Right at this moment I have a pain in my back, shoulders and off and on in my chest. If I remember correctly, most of this has been occurring since 2008 but back then it was less frequent and easy to ignore. It would appear that whatever is ailing me has started to take the battle seriously and now has the upperhand. Well, when I am back at my 2nd job I am going to sign up for health insurance as soon as I can and take my ass to the doctor. Not sure when that will actually happen, or if it will be too late, but that is my intent no less. 

I was supposed to have a "date" last sunday with a girl that one of my friends said "only wanted a man who would treat her right." Well if that's all she wanted, I was definitely the man for the job. Well it turns out the whole reason she told my friend that is because she thought she was going to break up with her boyfriend. That did not end up transpiring, and thus she decided to give the lame excuse of not being able to go because she "forgot it was her friend's birthday." I only found out about the boyfriend thing because my friend told me that after we had been drinking. I'm sure he would have rather not said anything, but it is better to know the truth than be left in the dark about something like that. It sucks too because I posted something about the date on facebook and people seemed to be genuinely excited for me. Oh well. I should realize that at this point in time it is basically "too late" for me to meet anyone. The illness has a hold on me anyway, so I would only be letting the other person into my life to have it cut short in the future. Meh. Still, for some reason I try and hold on to hope. It's futile and stupid, but still I try. 

I remain in the funk that I've been in since the start of this year. I felt like I almost made progress with _ _ _ _ _ _ but then my dad's heart attack went and messed everything up. Instead of having dinner with her (that she was cooking no less) and then going to a party with her and my friends I ended up spending most of the night in the hospital. *le sigh* Driving to the hospital I actually passed her place and thought about going to get her, but I decided that it would be too weird. Maybe I should have. Maybe she could have meet my amazing family and seen a different side of me. Who knows? Certainly not me. I wish a lot of things in my life had turned out differently, but this is most recent "folly" that I wish I could go back and undo. Ugh, I fail at life so hard. 

After the date fiasco, I have been pretty silent on facebook. I finally updated my status today to say "having a blast" because I thought it important to put on an air of happiness or normalcy. Was I really having a blast? FUCK no. Far from it. Opposite even. But I need to let people think that I wasn't as affected by it as I really am. Why? Because I don't want to be pitied or empathized with anymore. All I do is talk shit or complain, it just took me this long to realize it. So I will put on a facade of happiness in public and on facebook but still be this empty shell of a person in my real life and in private. 

As sad as it sounds, I am happiest when I am at work and close to her. The quote that most resembles how I feel about her is from Blink182 (and I'm sure I already posted it but whatevs) and it goes: "When you smile, I melt inside. I'm not worthy of a minute of your time. I really wish it was only me and you, I'm jealous of everybody in the room." 

This update seems jumbled to me. It might be because I am listening to dubstep. Or it could be that I'm not at work so my thoughts aren't as coherent as normal. Meh. 

As I write this certain members of my group are eating dinner together and will probably hang out at HIS apartment. I would be there but I am completely broke at this moment. Truth be told I would rather not leave my apartment, but if I had the money then why not? Beats sitting here and writing this blog that no one reads. 

Am I writing my autobiography? Or my obituary? Weird to think about.

-M