Am I doing what I always do? Over-analyzing things? Worrying too much?

Ironically enough, since my last entry I went on a date with a really adorable girl who genuinely seemed into me. She gave me a kiss on the lips at the end of the date. That never happens!

But, in typical fashion I might have screwed up already. I'm not sure though. I haven't hear from her in over 24 hours now, and I get the feeling that it might be my fault. I don't plan on texting her again anytime soon since I've texted her THREE times without a response. She knows I like her (and I thought she liked me) but I don't want to seem overly anxious. The last thing the poor girl probably wants is to be smothered by some chubby bald almost 30yr old who barely gets by. 

I'm seriously stressing over this, and I shouldn't be. Today was the first time since I've started my new job that I seriously didn't want to be there. I had a headache and felt like crap pretty much the entire day. I didn't work ANY tickets, but technically we're still in training so it's okay. But yeah. She already texted me intermittently but I get the feeling I might have pushed her across the edge to the 'not going to text' side. Or there could be something wrong, like her phone being broken or she lost it or whatever. I have no idea. I really shouldn't worry about it, but I am. I can't help it. I probably should be able to not cling so hard, but I can't. Stupid heart, why do you have to fall so easily? 

Bah.

Hopefully I will update with better news soon. 

-M 

Still Waiting for the Good

I managed to get my CCNA Routing & Switching certification. I studied hard enough I guess. So far no hits on any jobs I've been applying to. Not even "remote" interest. I still have a lot of work to do apparently. I honestly thought I would be out of restaurants by this point, but I guess I'm forced to suffer through it for even longer.

It's funny how someone used to praise you for speaking their language (literally; spanish) and encourage you to flirt with them in it and now suddenly feels the need to do a 180 and tell you not to. I have no problem not speaking spanish, but the flirting? That was HER fucking idea in the first place. Ugh. I can trace a lot of bad things in my life to facebook, and the internet in general. If I had never made that Darkwing Duck group then I never would have met her, and things would be different. If I never had a livejournal then I never would have made that blog entry and ended a friendship with someone I really cared about. We're talking as friends again now (like 8 years later) but she's moved on and is likely to get married. 

While I'm on the subject of how different I wish things were, I wish my parents had been much stricter about video games. Maybe I would have done something with my life, instead of floundering around wasting time and money on virtual nonsense. What is it about video games that make them so appealing to me? Probably the fact that my real life sucks as hard as it does. Escapism at its finest. 

Well yea so things were supposed to get better by coming here. I was supposed to improve my life. So far I've just been mooching off of my friend. I need to push myself harder to pay him back. He'll probably never ask a penny from me, but I know I need to be able to help him out financially. Truth be told I wish I could just take out a life insurance policy and name him the benefactor. Then when whatever the hell it is that is tormenting me finally decides to cash out he can cash out as well. But that's not possible at the moment. 

I gotta figure stuff out. And soon. 

-M

The sad state of things

It's funny when someone who claims to be your friend tries to be an armchair psychiatrist whilst talking to you. If you don't know the facts, don't make shit up. That's not how it works. You are not helping, just annoying. Period. 

All the good intention in the world doesn't amount to anything if you aren't up to speed on the situation and are just talking out of your ass. I would call you out on this to your face, but we aren't in the same state anymore. 

*le sigh* Let me back up and give some perspective. 


This friend asked me how things were going and I responded truthfully.

Terribad. Trying not to think about it though. Hope you are continuing to do well.

 This was obviously not good enough for her. She wanted to lecture me about things. Things she knows nothing about. 

It really got me thinking. It's pretty sad when someone with an incurable disease can find someone to care about them and I can't. I mean real talk I might have an incurable disease as well, but I don't know about it. The point is that she knows and informed the guy and he doesn't care. Charlie Sheen would refer to this as "winning" if that reference isn't already completely dated. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying my damndest to make something happen one way or the other and not achieving anything. Ugh. It kinda sucks. 

Life didn't used to be such a failure. At some point I lost my way. I'm hoping I will be able to get back on the straight and narrow, but I'm not going to hold my breath. You know, just in case. 

In other news, lots of "awwwz" were had because of this gif of Kaitlyn and AJ Lee. 

I love AJ and actually had a dream where I met her. It was amazeballs and I am disappointed it didn't actually happen. 

Well that's it for now. 

-M

Coming out of the woodwork

 It's really funny to me how some of my friends don't seem to give a shit about saying/doing anything to/for me until someone else starts getting attention. I recently posted on facebook about some mail I received from my "nephew" and my friend replied: 

" I love those drawings! I remember seeing them sitting on the kitchen table a few weeks ago. I still have those Warframe things from PAX to send you! I couldn't get any autographs at Comic-Con though. Everyone you'd care for already left by the time we got there."

Riiiiight. If you gave any sort of shits, you would have made it to comic-con early. And the warframe stuff took no effort, so don't act like that was such a burden on you. But its whatevs. I will attempt to be the nice guy regardless because one day the situation might be reversed (but I doubt it). 

I wanted to say more but I have to get ready for work. Later.

-M

Forgotten Post Title: Afterthought

I've been making a concentrated effort to study for the CCENT. I was actually determined to take the exam two days from now. But, alas, I don't feel I am ready. I honestly feel like it isn't worth wasting $150 to find out. I took a practice test earlier and bombed the hell out of it, so yeah. I think more studying is in order, for sheezy. 

I'm pretty sure I might have mentioned this (as I might have mentioned THAT before), but I'm lonely as hell out here. I am halfway across the US from practically anyone I know, aside from my roommate. He is here because he has her, which is good and perfectly understandable. But me? I have nothing out here. No reason to even be here, other than the fact that I thought a change of scenery would do me good, ya know? There's nothing like seeing pictures on facebook of your friends back home partying without you to make you feel truly alone. While I feel that getting these IT certifications will do me good, I honestly wish things had turned out differently. 

As soon as I move from SA, they have a sweet ass ComicCon with wrestlers that I would have killed to meet. Basically the entire nWo, and Bret Hart. My friends that watch wrestling aren't wrestling fans. They are casual marks. The only person who truly used to enjoy it like me, now probably has no fucking clue what is going on. He is a writer now and gay (not that it matters, just stating a fact) and happy and couldn't care less about wrestling as far as I know.

But man, seeing those pictures of my friends...made me realize just how lonely I feel. One girl in particular, she looked damn amazing. She'd make an amazing wife, I know this for a fact. But she doesn't like me, just like none of the girls I ever develop feelings for do. Hell, even the girl I left behind in SA has stopped texting me as much because she has a "boyfriend." She told me via text that he is disgusting, but yet she considers them to be "together." Although I guess that her word really doesn't mean shit, considering that she told me she gave head to some other guy (not the bf) the other night. I wanted to call her a slut and all of the things that I would normally say in that situation. I wanted to ask her if she was drunk or what, but I didn't. I didn't really say much of anything. Only found out who the dude was and that it wasn't her boyfriend. I didn't even bother with a follow up or anything. Just checked her facebook....she has two friends named Ryan, and one of them looks like a dude she would probably hang out with on a regular basis. I should ask her about it, but that's just.....yeah. I don't even really want to talk to her. I honestly thought that me moving halfway across the US would make the messages stop. I mean, it's not like there's a chance for us anymore. Not that we necessarily had one before, but yeah. If she never messages me again I won't be sad. *shrugs*

I've been listening to a lot of the band A Lot Like Birds recently. They are damn awesome and its a shame I haven't heard of them until now. *le sigh* I wish I knew about more music. There are too many bands out there. lol. 

I've been thinking about Da__ a lot recently as well. This is the time of year when she would come in with a nice winter coat and be cold and all this. Every time I think about her cholo-ass baby daddy I just get angry. I wish I could take her out of that situation, and give her an amazing life. One day, when I have money. One day...

Alright I guess that's it for now. Laterz.

-M