Stuck in a loop I can't get out of

So it's Mother's Day 2015 and I can't wish my mom a happy one because her cell phone is cut off at the moment. *shrugs*

I've been trying to have female interaction all day to no avail. I reached out this one new girl who went to see Age of Ultron with the meetup group and she friendzoned me already. Okay, cool. No worries.

I didn't delete my old OKC but I did make a new one. And Sarah from up nawth found me on it again. I didn't realize it before but I think she might like me slightly. She obviously knows I had a crush on S. and not her though. I can't believe I was so naive to think that I actually had a chance with S. It has taken me this long to come up with the courage to write it out, but basically one of the reasons E and I broke up was because I thought S and I were going to become a thing. Well I didn't think that; I wanted it. There is indeed a difference, but I thought I had major brownie points for all of the cool shit I did for her. Oh well. It all matters for naught (not?) in the long run.

I look like shit today anyway so I'm realizing that female companionship might not be in my best interest. Funny how things work out nothing like you planned. For me at least. Nothing ever does.

It's fine. I'm going to die alone and mal-adapted. One of the only reasons I can think as to why I'm not being/staying with anyone or even receiving opportunities is because I don't deserve them. I've made a lot of dumb mistakes and they're going to be the death of me.

My whole family seems to have ended up in very shitty situations with no hope of improvement so might as well just enjoy the ride for however long it lasts, which I don't anticipate to be long.

It's been a year since I was dating Meredith and thought my life had improved so much. Other than a decent job, nothing in my life is particularly great. I have little to friends, and even the ones I do have are hesitant to say anything to me. Especially about all of the fancy vegas trips they were going on and shit.

I'm contemplating just deleting facebook entirely. It doesn't seem to have been an issue for Ruben. Of course he has money and is a bit more outgoing than I, so I'm sure he is able to adapt better. Me....I'd probably go the G route and delete and come back 5 times in a week. I dunno. Speaking of, she's doing great. Hell, all of my friends are doing great pretty much. What does that say about them vs. me? The majority of them are in relationships or have friends near to them but maybe they're just content with their life. I know I'm not. And I keep gaining and losing motivation to do anything about it. I genuinely despise interacting with the general populace as most of them are retarded as shit. But it doesn't look like online dating is working out for me, which isn't surprising. My face is not symmetrical; if I didn't do that thing with my nostrils as a child and if my ears weren't different sizes and if I weren't going bald and could rock some decent hair I might be okay. But none of that is the case. I wish I had never heard Sylvia talk about LC CE in Chili's that one day. My life would be a lot different, maybe.

I should have lower standards. I don't know HOW in the fuck I managed to land E but now that she has gotten away, I know that opportunity won't ever come along again. I should have held on tight instead of pushing away. Her situation was kind of fucked up, but it could have worked out. Thing is, there's a lot that I was never told. I'm certain she just wanted to get out and not have anything to do with me. Can't say I blame her there. I'd be remiss if I said I understood why she liked me. Especially when so many others don't. As I said, I just have too high of standards. I should write a list of my wants in a significant other and then cut that sumbitch in half and see if I have any luck. And then if I STILL don't have any luck then I will know that I am most definitely an un-datable piece of shit. Which I am fairly certain is the case, but w/e.

I just feel so alone. Even The Isaac, who used to send me youtube videos has apparently abandoned me. Great. I miss him. I just need to put my teeth to the grindstone and get more certifications and rack up EXP and then move back to San Antonio. Especially if my roommate's girlfriend is supposed to be moving in with us, it might get to be a problem. She's cool, but I dunno man. My best friend/roommate has been super amazing and totally saved my life by letting me live here, but the more I see here the more I realize that this isn't my home. I wanted it to be, I really did. But I'm like a transplanted organ and the host (NC) is rejecting me. Fitting considering the shape I'm in.

Speaking of shape, I'm almost down to 193 which is where I was at before I started at EN I believe. God it's taken forever. I'm trying to be good until my birthday, when I will absolutely splurge and go wild.

A random thought just occurred to me, but I immediately thought better of it. I had the wild idea that I should fly home for my birthday weekend, but nah. Too expensive and the entire semantics of it would be a nightmare, in the long run.

I still want to get a tattoo, but I think my first one is going to end up being a Spur on one of my shoulders in honor of my San Antonio Spurs. But it depends on if I can get the money for it, since tats can be expensive. (Right Sean? lmao)

But who the fuck am I to criticize anyone? No one. I've fucked up more times than I can count. I dunno man.

-M

Been about a month, let's reflect a bit

I have a habit of screwing things up, and yet this wasn't entirely my fault. I'm single again, but its because the girl couldn't find a job here. She was basically a NURSE and couldn't find a job. Can you believe it? Neither can I. It doesn't quite add up. She also said that she was planning on joining the military. That was the death nail. I don't have the time or money to wait or follow her. So we called it quits. I get the feeling she didn't really care. Everything she said about being and sad and stuff felt like an act. We didn't 'speak' for almost a month...which no relationship could survive, yet alone a young one like ours. Oh well.

I keep saying that I am okay but I'm fairly certain I'm not. I was buzzed by like 9:30am the day after we broke-up. I sobered up enough to meet some friends for dinner and then got drunk again. It was their fault for giving me free beers though. O.o

Ever since I've just felt pretty blah, overall. My thoughts are creeping back to my pre-move to nc-style, which won't end well. I'm currently listening to Bullet for My Valentine, which I normally only do when I'm in a bad move. Meh.

I'm fallen into the 'Matt Trap' once again though. I have a beautiful friend who is newly single. I've been dropping hints but she only considers me a friend. I know this. And yet, I can't help but feel like I have to try even if I know it will fail. But I don't want to ruin the friendship because it isn't like I have a bunch of friends here. So yep, the trap I always fall into.

The pain I've been having for a while has started to get worse again. I go through phases, and right now it's a bad one. I hope it clears up. Or kills me. I'm back to feeling kinda depressed. It's that time of the year. When everyone has someone to spend the holidays with, I'm just here alone. I deserve it for the bad decisions I've made, but still. That doesn't make it hurt any less. Gah.

I started using teeth whitening strips and my teeth are hurting. Gonna have to use that re-mineralizer stuff I have at the house after my next session. I've been trying to quit soda as well. So hopefully my smile will look a decent shade brighter in the future. Also a side effect of quitting soda is being a bit sleepier thanks to less caffeine. I'm going to quit coffee soon too. *shrugs*

As for other positive things....I can't really think of any. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'll be working. I expect it to be a quiet evening.

Things with the friend who I've fallen into the 'Matt Trap' with have been cooling off a lot recently as well. It used to be her who would text me. But now she doesn't text me unless I text her first. Blah.

-M

I should be used to Flip-Flopping

Okay so the insanity thing didn't work out. I did it for one day and then stopped. Mostly because we're on the second floor and I don't think our downstairs neighbors appreciated my fat ass jumping around so much. Gonna have to think of a different plan as far as that goes.

Today is my roommate's birthday. I went out to lunch with him and his girlfriend. It was good. I feel like crap though, since I haven't eaten a lot of carbs in a long time. Ugh...

But being around the two of them, it makes me want what they have. They have a simple relationship. They're both nerdy, simplistic people who don't have super materialistic wants or desires. The obviously care for each other and it's endearing. I want something like that. I want a woman who cares about and shares my interests, who would be willing to make/craft me something as opposed to buying it. Someone who'd be willing to spend money but knows that it isn't necessary. I'm like that NIN song, "Something I Can Never Have." *le sigh*

I should be studying for my CCENT right now, but I'm not. I'm just wasting time before work. Why do I always do this? What the fuck is wrong with me? If I knew that, I could fix it. The only thing I know for certain is that I don't want to work tonight. Hell, I don't want to work at my current job ever again. If I found a new position tomorrow, I'd be perfectly content with never going there again. Ya know? *shrugs*

I guess I'm going to try and get a video in. That's it for now. 

-M 

P.S. I'm listening to the band A Lot Like Birds, and I think they're pretty good.