Still Uncertain

Not much has changed since my last update almost a month ago. I still feel the same way, if not worse. When I am at work and have time to think, I dream up all of these plans and ideas to do once I get home. After I am home I disregard all of it and go back to doing the same fucking thing I've been doing; absolutely nothing. Hell writing this update is probably the most 'productive' I have been in a while. I don't understand it. This has to be depression.

Last night I decided I wanted to drink beer...and so I proceeded to buy and drink a whole six pack in the span of about and hour and a half. I felt sick after the 6th one, but I didn't throw up. I feel like I use too many goddamn commas as well. Whatever.

My friend Rachel has been texting me periodically and I snapped at her the other day for no real reason. I already feel very alone and like I don't have people I can confide in anymore so I definitely should not have done that. I apologized to her but she said that it wasn't anything to apologize over and such. Okay. I need to shake all of the nonsense holding me down/back but I can't see/imagine how I am going to.

Even looking for friends has not panned out. I mean I could go to a meetup or two, but I just haven't. Been super lazy. Bleh. I need some sort of outlet for everything that I am feeling. Pain/frustration/loneliness/etc.

What sucks the most is that I put myself into this position. I have made terrible mistakes and have too much emotional baggage. I'm also not in a great position financially. All of that is why I can't be with someone. All I ever wanted was to have a wife, kids, house, etc. Typical american family type of shit. Instead my fear of dying alone has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fucking goddamn it.

It's probably better this way, that I go it alone. But damn if it doesn't hurt and feel like the worst pain imaginable.

Some people are trying to have a spouse AND someone on the side, while others (like me) can't even seem to get ONE person. Its goddamn unfair and I hate those greedy motherfuckers.

Meh.

I'm starting to get tired so I'm going to end this post now.

-M

Been about a month, let's reflect a bit

I have a habit of screwing things up, and yet this wasn't entirely my fault. I'm single again, but its because the girl couldn't find a job here. She was basically a NURSE and couldn't find a job. Can you believe it? Neither can I. It doesn't quite add up. She also said that she was planning on joining the military. That was the death nail. I don't have the time or money to wait or follow her. So we called it quits. I get the feeling she didn't really care. Everything she said about being and sad and stuff felt like an act. We didn't 'speak' for almost a month...which no relationship could survive, yet alone a young one like ours. Oh well.

I keep saying that I am okay but I'm fairly certain I'm not. I was buzzed by like 9:30am the day after we broke-up. I sobered up enough to meet some friends for dinner and then got drunk again. It was their fault for giving me free beers though. O.o

Ever since I've just felt pretty blah, overall. My thoughts are creeping back to my pre-move to nc-style, which won't end well. I'm currently listening to Bullet for My Valentine, which I normally only do when I'm in a bad move. Meh.

I'm fallen into the 'Matt Trap' once again though. I have a beautiful friend who is newly single. I've been dropping hints but she only considers me a friend. I know this. And yet, I can't help but feel like I have to try even if I know it will fail. But I don't want to ruin the friendship because it isn't like I have a bunch of friends here. So yep, the trap I always fall into.

The pain I've been having for a while has started to get worse again. I go through phases, and right now it's a bad one. I hope it clears up. Or kills me. I'm back to feeling kinda depressed. It's that time of the year. When everyone has someone to spend the holidays with, I'm just here alone. I deserve it for the bad decisions I've made, but still. That doesn't make it hurt any less. Gah.

I started using teeth whitening strips and my teeth are hurting. Gonna have to use that re-mineralizer stuff I have at the house after my next session. I've been trying to quit soda as well. So hopefully my smile will look a decent shade brighter in the future. Also a side effect of quitting soda is being a bit sleepier thanks to less caffeine. I'm going to quit coffee soon too. *shrugs*

As for other positive things....I can't really think of any. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'll be working. I expect it to be a quiet evening.

Things with the friend who I've fallen into the 'Matt Trap' with have been cooling off a lot recently as well. It used to be her who would text me. But now she doesn't text me unless I text her first. Blah.

-M

Understanding references years out when you finally see what was being referenced...

For years I never understood why one of my friends referred to himself as 'Battousai' or some variation of his name + Battousai online. I had no idea that he was referencing an anime, yet alone which particular anime. (It's not like there is a shortage of anime out there.) I don't remember how I came across it specifically, but I ended up looking up Rurouni Kenshin on Wikipedia and thinking that it sounded great. Having watched three episodes thus far, I can say that it's living up to its reputation up to this point. The connection between the two things is that 'Battousai' is a term from Kenshin, which makes total sense now that I think about it. The friend in question is a huge anime nerd, so yea. 

Funny how that works right? I wonder if people will ever understand things I've referenced waaay later. Nah, I doubt anyone cares enough to remember. Meh. 

I've been feeling especially alone out here. I mean I live with Jason, but he's gonna about 70% of the time. And aside from him and his girlfriend (who I have yet to see or talk to in person since being out here) I don't know anyone. I've met people at Chili's, but with the exception of the whale in the aforementioned entry there's not exactly any interest in me. I think I cracked that case, and it actually has to do with the fact that all of the good looking ladies there are already taken. I mean me being ugly or unattractive or unappealing or whatever COULD have something to do with it, but in general mostly everyone has someone already. The only remedy is to get in better shape so I can attract a non-whale. 

Its the same story all the time. Even on OkCupid. I browse profiles to find girls that I think I would be compatible with and send them messages. They either don't respond to the message, or they see it and choose not to respond to it for whatever reason. My once thought of 'flawless' personality does indeed have some flaws. I gave myself too much credit and now I'm trying to fix that. I need to try and be humble. I need to stop being so quick to get angry. I need to relax. I need to stop stressing. 

I've just come across the band "Meg and Dia" via a dubstep remix to one of their songs, and I think I like them. Their songs are good and chill. I feel relaxed. 

Well relaxed and tired. And depressed. And lonely. *le sigh*

I've been thinking more and more about getting a tattoo or three. lmao. Right now the idea(s) I have are: Mega Man on my left calf, Proto Man on my right, and some funeral for a friend lyrics on my back. That'd be outstanding. But that requires money....something that is in short supply at the moment. Meh. 

Guess that's it for now. 

-M