So happy...together?

As happy as I am, I think I might have made a mistake. I have a girlfriend now. I use that term loosely however. 

She is bad at communication. Scratch that, not bad. TERRIBLE. Horrible even. I don’t know her way of thinking, but I feel like if I try to mention something about it to her that she will say something irrelevant. I was in such a rush to be with someone that I didn’t take the time to get to know her. Granted I noticed her lack of communication before (as noted in my previous entry), but I thought it would change once we got together. It hasn’t. 

My heart is hurting, literally. I don't think it's because of her. I'm fairly certain it's because I started running. Maybe I’m going to pass away soon. It might be fitting that once I'm finally starting to have a decent life that it's taken from me. I was afraid to live for so long that I made mistakes that I shouldn't have made. I'm probably paying for it now. Figures that when I make a concentrated effort to improve my situation that something comes along and says 'NO.'

Now I feel weird in the head. I wish I were more articulate and could describe in detail how I am feeling. But alas, I am stuck making mere generalizations rather than descriptions. 

I gave in and texted her thanks to a female friend encouraging me to do so. What has been the result? Nothing. Nada. 

I'm going to go and see Godzilla tonight with random people I met on meetup.com so hopefully I don't get killed. lolz.

-M

Am I doing what I always do? Over-analyzing things? Worrying too much?

Ironically enough, since my last entry I went on a date with a really adorable girl who genuinely seemed into me. She gave me a kiss on the lips at the end of the date. That never happens!

But, in typical fashion I might have screwed up already. I'm not sure though. I haven't hear from her in over 24 hours now, and I get the feeling that it might be my fault. I don't plan on texting her again anytime soon since I've texted her THREE times without a response. She knows I like her (and I thought she liked me) but I don't want to seem overly anxious. The last thing the poor girl probably wants is to be smothered by some chubby bald almost 30yr old who barely gets by. 

I'm seriously stressing over this, and I shouldn't be. Today was the first time since I've started my new job that I seriously didn't want to be there. I had a headache and felt like crap pretty much the entire day. I didn't work ANY tickets, but technically we're still in training so it's okay. But yeah. She already texted me intermittently but I get the feeling I might have pushed her across the edge to the 'not going to text' side. Or there could be something wrong, like her phone being broken or she lost it or whatever. I have no idea. I really shouldn't worry about it, but I am. I can't help it. I probably should be able to not cling so hard, but I can't. Stupid heart, why do you have to fall so easily? 

Bah.

Hopefully I will update with better news soon. 

-M 

2013 already? More disappointment in store, I'm sure

It is now 18 days into the new year and I have yet to feel/see any changes other than the date. Everyone always says something great will happen, and yadda this and yadda that, but it is all horseshit. I talked to my brother during Christmas and he was talking to me about "when you get married and have kids" and all this other shit. I tried to explain to him that that was not going to happen, but he said that it would eventually or whatever. For fucks sake man, if I am giving up on it, then so should you. Quit trying to make me having a normal or happy life happen. It's not going to. 

In other news, 

We are now in the feeling out process. By we I mean me and a girl that I've been talking to from craigslist. Yes the same craigslist that I said I couldn't get a girl to like me from. I have never met this girl, yet we've been in communication since November. I barely saw a picture of her like last week, even though I sent my pics waaaay back in the first email. Such is life. I've been wanting to meet so that I can know if I am wasting my time or not. She on the other hand is apparently enjoying the ride regardless and could care less about seeing me in person. I guess if our appearances were reversed then I'd probably feel the same way too. *shrugs* I dunno. I guess the texting every day thing is nice. I kinda miss not having someone that was interested in my every day life. And while I doubt the sincerity of her interest, the feigning of concern is good enough. I am through trying to meet her though. Balls in her court on that one.

So I've been hearing my mom coughing a lot lately. It's not good. It sounds like the coughing of my neighbor that I had when I was younger who died from lung cancer caused by cigarettes. If I close my eyes and just listen to the noise it sounds damn near identical. I don't want to think about losing a parent at this day and age. It was almost at this point last year when my father had a heart attack. I was scared of losing him then and the thought of either one of my parents passing right now is not something I want to think about. Why did my family have to be so fucked up? How come my brother was the only one to make it out okay? Why do I always let my emotions get the better of me? 

I have no answers to these questions. Only more questions to put on top. Until next time.

-M