Still Uncertain

Not much has changed since my last update almost a month ago. I still feel the same way, if not worse. When I am at work and have time to think, I dream up all of these plans and ideas to do once I get home. After I am home I disregard all of it and go back to doing the same fucking thing I've been doing; absolutely nothing. Hell writing this update is probably the most 'productive' I have been in a while. I don't understand it. This has to be depression.

Last night I decided I wanted to drink beer...and so I proceeded to buy and drink a whole six pack in the span of about and hour and a half. I felt sick after the 6th one, but I didn't throw up. I feel like I use too many goddamn commas as well. Whatever.

My friend Rachel has been texting me periodically and I snapped at her the other day for no real reason. I already feel very alone and like I don't have people I can confide in anymore so I definitely should not have done that. I apologized to her but she said that it wasn't anything to apologize over and such. Okay. I need to shake all of the nonsense holding me down/back but I can't see/imagine how I am going to.

Even looking for friends has not panned out. I mean I could go to a meetup or two, but I just haven't. Been super lazy. Bleh. I need some sort of outlet for everything that I am feeling. Pain/frustration/loneliness/etc.

What sucks the most is that I put myself into this position. I have made terrible mistakes and have too much emotional baggage. I'm also not in a great position financially. All of that is why I can't be with someone. All I ever wanted was to have a wife, kids, house, etc. Typical american family type of shit. Instead my fear of dying alone has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fucking goddamn it.

It's probably better this way, that I go it alone. But damn if it doesn't hurt and feel like the worst pain imaginable.

Some people are trying to have a spouse AND someone on the side, while others (like me) can't even seem to get ONE person. Its goddamn unfair and I hate those greedy motherfuckers.

Meh.

I'm starting to get tired so I'm going to end this post now.

-M