That's what I don't Understand, that's what I don't know...

I keep trying to make these fucked up plans even when I know its the wrong move. But the universe seems to be keeping me in check so I doubt anything will even come of them.

Earlier today at work I had some really dark and depressing thoughts. The fact that I am still on this earth and Danny isn't is something that I will never be able to comprehend. It is seriously mind-blowing. I would gladly trade places with him if I could. No questions asked. Its not like I have anything to offer anyone like he did. He had a family and was trying to make something of his life....whereas I am completely alone and back working in a restaurant. Fucking great.

I wished for death in....2004? 2005? Dunno. Life is fucked up though in that it took Danny instead of me. Oh and I just searched for my old "journal" and found it....so I wished for death or whatever in 2007. Sounds about right. That was a pretty shitty year overall.

I wanted to write and say so much more but I'm just going to cut this short for now.

-M

Incessant Ramblings - Part 2

I have always felt like the song "Fade" by Staind relates to me. I can relate to so much of what the lyrics say. Thanks for narrating a bit of my life, Aaron Lewis. *nods*

Things are still very much in a holding pattern. Work blew more ass recently because it seems like someone is always taking a vacation or requesting a day off or whatever and that fucks me over. Gah. And when I have an opportunity to try and do something for more money, I blow it. Whatever.

No love life still. I would like to think that it is mostly because I am trying to NOT even get involved with anyone but I doubt very much that is the case. I mean if I still had Tinder/Plenty of Fish/OkCupid/etc. things wouldn't be much different. I'd probably just have been rejected more than now.

It's crazy to think about that last year around this time I had a "bae"; as the young-ins call it. She was great and I didn't deserve her, and obviously the universe righted that wrong. Even the girl I was seeing BEFORE her, who wasn't someone I wouldn't have ever thought I would be involved with (to be perfectly honest) was too good for me. The universe took that too. Then a few months later I meet K. *le sigh* I tried too hard at first and then didn't stop to assess the situation properly. Even with all of the positives, there were a LOT of red flags and I shouldn't have grown as attached as fast as I did. But that's just what I do I guess. I move fast and get hurt because of it. Its like one of those "enjoy life now, ask questions later" type of thing.

Things have not gone the way I expected the entire time I've been back. I should be used to the disappointment and set expectations low, yet I don't. I always hope that things will go differently then they do. Like my birthday this year for example. I had all of these big plans and ideas....and all I managed to accomplish was the most simple of them: eat pizza. Big. Fucking. Deal. I think by this point, disappointment should be my middle name.

What sucks is that if I didn't make all of these poor decisions, I might have been lucky enough to meet a girl and have a kid and name it after Danny. But now, my shitty tattoo tribute and wrist band are all the legacy he gets.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I probably should have taken my friend S's advice and gone to see a therapist.

-M

Incessant Ramblings - Part 1

I'm torn. I know that I HAVE to be alone because of the bad choices I have made in my life up to this point and yet I still absolutely want to be with someone. It sucks because pretty much every single movie/tv show boils down to a relationship of some kind. Even ones where the main character talks to animals or insects or "god" or whatever. There are no shows or tvs that consist of one person being alone. And do you know why? Because that's fucking boring. No one would watch that! Just like no one should have to live it. And yet, here I am.

Every single day I exist is just another day that makes things worse. Case in point: the other day I noticed that my front teeth are slowly pushing inward. That's going to leave me looking ugly as sin. I'm fairly certain it is because I haven't had my wisdom teeth removed, but I haven't been to a Dentist in like 15 fucking years. If I go now, they'd have a field day. I already have seen how fucked up my teeth are in general. I've had dreams where they have all fallen out and that dream is probably going to be a reality. I should have taken better care of my teeth as well. I should have taken better care of my body in general. I had no real respect for myself. Still don't I guess.

This girl I matched with on Tinder that I tried to be friends with removed me from Facebook. Well fuck you too bitch. I tried to be YOUR friend. I didn't get any goddamn reciprocation. My Star Wars tattoo says "choose wisely" and you obviously chose the "I'm going to be a fucking bitch" side, which has led me to the dark side. I keep it Sith, 100%.

I deleted tinder, disabled my OKCupid account and all of that shit. I know that I need to be solo and so I'm not trying to even give it a chance.

I stopped at a Gas station earlier today to pick up some soda and the cashier was very friendly. She had gauges in her ears and some sort of awesome tattoo on her arm. I wish I had a chance to talk to her about the tattoo though. I really am interested in them now.

More later maybe.

-M

Still Uncertain

Not much has changed since my last update almost a month ago. I still feel the same way, if not worse. When I am at work and have time to think, I dream up all of these plans and ideas to do once I get home. After I am home I disregard all of it and go back to doing the same fucking thing I've been doing; absolutely nothing. Hell writing this update is probably the most 'productive' I have been in a while. I don't understand it. This has to be depression.

Last night I decided I wanted to drink beer...and so I proceeded to buy and drink a whole six pack in the span of about and hour and a half. I felt sick after the 6th one, but I didn't throw up. I feel like I use too many goddamn commas as well. Whatever.

My friend Rachel has been texting me periodically and I snapped at her the other day for no real reason. I already feel very alone and like I don't have people I can confide in anymore so I definitely should not have done that. I apologized to her but she said that it wasn't anything to apologize over and such. Okay. I need to shake all of the nonsense holding me down/back but I can't see/imagine how I am going to.

Even looking for friends has not panned out. I mean I could go to a meetup or two, but I just haven't. Been super lazy. Bleh. I need some sort of outlet for everything that I am feeling. Pain/frustration/loneliness/etc.

What sucks the most is that I put myself into this position. I have made terrible mistakes and have too much emotional baggage. I'm also not in a great position financially. All of that is why I can't be with someone. All I ever wanted was to have a wife, kids, house, etc. Typical american family type of shit. Instead my fear of dying alone has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fucking goddamn it.

It's probably better this way, that I go it alone. But damn if it doesn't hurt and feel like the worst pain imaginable.

Some people are trying to have a spouse AND someone on the side, while others (like me) can't even seem to get ONE person. Its goddamn unfair and I hate those greedy motherfuckers.

Meh.

I'm starting to get tired so I'm going to end this post now.

-M

Coming up on a year

I haven't written in this blog in a really long time. One day I might go back and fill in the gaps between that last post that I never finished and right now with greater detail but I feel like I should just cover the basics:

-I moved back to San Antonio, Texas to be with my family
-I'm back at a shitty restaurant job
-I put back on weight 
-I am living with a friend
-I am single and can't even seem to make any new friends

There's really a lot that I want to express and/or say to people but just don't. I honestly believe that I may be dealing with un-diagnosed depression. Maybe not, but there's a dark cloud around me that only goes away for fleeting moments of time.

I want to be different. I want to go back to the way that I was before; doing yoga, learning japanese, learning to play the guitar, etc. BUT I also want to do/be more. I want more tattoos, I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle, I want to smoke hookah on occasion, I want to exercise/run, and to read more. But I lack the motivation to do any of it. I mean I can't even seem to get out of the terrible restaurant job I am in. I am half-ass trying to leave. I just applied to be a delivery driver. Fuck it. It is really sad that it takes life altering events to make me do anything. I thought after coming back here to SA that I made the right choice. But now I am not so sure. I know for a fact that Danny wouldn't have wanted me to move back. He would have called me crazy/stupid for passing up on so much money/opportunity. Then again, it's his fault I am back. That's a fucked up thing to say but if he didn't pass away then I'd probably still be in NC.

Life is a goddamn fucked up cruel mistress with no fucking sense of humor or humility. I hate everything; mostly.

The only things I am okay with right now are the new songs that I have heard recently. "The Silver String" by Saosin and "Karate" by Babymetal. 

I should write more later. Maybe. 

-M

My lack of updates have a real reason this time; and it is not a 'good' one

May 17th, 2015 - My older brother passed away. He fell asleep while cleaning his pool and while the EMTs were able to resuscitate him, the brain damage was too severe; he died when they took him off of ventilation. I literally stood there and watched as his last breath left his body. It's a surreal thing to witness. I still don't understand it.

I feel like the wrong brother died. I mean truthfully. This might be me getting all emotional and all that, but for real. What do I have going for me? Not a damn thing. What did Danny have going for him? A wife, a daughter, a decent career that would have taken off eventually. Basically everything. And yet here I sit, breathing while he is gone. No one to take care of his family. He had life insurance, but there is no telling when/if they will get that money.

I attended my brother's wedding AND funeral at the same church. Still unreal. And only a 10 years difference between them. He didn't deserve his fate. Not that anyone ever really does, but especially not him. He wanted a pool because we grew up poor and had to use the community pool. It was important to him to rise above the financial hardship(s) that we faced in our lives. And he did; for a little while.  

Stuck in a loop I can't get out of

So it's Mother's Day 2015 and I can't wish my mom a happy one because her cell phone is cut off at the moment. *shrugs*

I've been trying to have female interaction all day to no avail. I reached out this one new girl who went to see Age of Ultron with the meetup group and she friendzoned me already. Okay, cool. No worries.

I didn't delete my old OKC but I did make a new one. And Sarah from up nawth found me on it again. I didn't realize it before but I think she might like me slightly. She obviously knows I had a crush on S. and not her though. I can't believe I was so naive to think that I actually had a chance with S. It has taken me this long to come up with the courage to write it out, but basically one of the reasons E and I broke up was because I thought S and I were going to become a thing. Well I didn't think that; I wanted it. There is indeed a difference, but I thought I had major brownie points for all of the cool shit I did for her. Oh well. It all matters for naught (not?) in the long run.

I look like shit today anyway so I'm realizing that female companionship might not be in my best interest. Funny how things work out nothing like you planned. For me at least. Nothing ever does.

It's fine. I'm going to die alone and mal-adapted. One of the only reasons I can think as to why I'm not being/staying with anyone or even receiving opportunities is because I don't deserve them. I've made a lot of dumb mistakes and they're going to be the death of me.

My whole family seems to have ended up in very shitty situations with no hope of improvement so might as well just enjoy the ride for however long it lasts, which I don't anticipate to be long.

It's been a year since I was dating Meredith and thought my life had improved so much. Other than a decent job, nothing in my life is particularly great. I have little to friends, and even the ones I do have are hesitant to say anything to me. Especially about all of the fancy vegas trips they were going on and shit.

I'm contemplating just deleting facebook entirely. It doesn't seem to have been an issue for Ruben. Of course he has money and is a bit more outgoing than I, so I'm sure he is able to adapt better. Me....I'd probably go the G route and delete and come back 5 times in a week. I dunno. Speaking of, she's doing great. Hell, all of my friends are doing great pretty much. What does that say about them vs. me? The majority of them are in relationships or have friends near to them but maybe they're just content with their life. I know I'm not. And I keep gaining and losing motivation to do anything about it. I genuinely despise interacting with the general populace as most of them are retarded as shit. But it doesn't look like online dating is working out for me, which isn't surprising. My face is not symmetrical; if I didn't do that thing with my nostrils as a child and if my ears weren't different sizes and if I weren't going bald and could rock some decent hair I might be okay. But none of that is the case. I wish I had never heard Sylvia talk about LC CE in Chili's that one day. My life would be a lot different, maybe.

I should have lower standards. I don't know HOW in the fuck I managed to land E but now that she has gotten away, I know that opportunity won't ever come along again. I should have held on tight instead of pushing away. Her situation was kind of fucked up, but it could have worked out. Thing is, there's a lot that I was never told. I'm certain she just wanted to get out and not have anything to do with me. Can't say I blame her there. I'd be remiss if I said I understood why she liked me. Especially when so many others don't. As I said, I just have too high of standards. I should write a list of my wants in a significant other and then cut that sumbitch in half and see if I have any luck. And then if I STILL don't have any luck then I will know that I am most definitely an un-datable piece of shit. Which I am fairly certain is the case, but w/e.

I just feel so alone. Even The Isaac, who used to send me youtube videos has apparently abandoned me. Great. I miss him. I just need to put my teeth to the grindstone and get more certifications and rack up EXP and then move back to San Antonio. Especially if my roommate's girlfriend is supposed to be moving in with us, it might get to be a problem. She's cool, but I dunno man. My best friend/roommate has been super amazing and totally saved my life by letting me live here, but the more I see here the more I realize that this isn't my home. I wanted it to be, I really did. But I'm like a transplanted organ and the host (NC) is rejecting me. Fitting considering the shape I'm in.

Speaking of shape, I'm almost down to 193 which is where I was at before I started at EN I believe. God it's taken forever. I'm trying to be good until my birthday, when I will absolutely splurge and go wild.

A random thought just occurred to me, but I immediately thought better of it. I had the wild idea that I should fly home for my birthday weekend, but nah. Too expensive and the entire semantics of it would be a nightmare, in the long run.

I still want to get a tattoo, but I think my first one is going to end up being a Spur on one of my shoulders in honor of my San Antonio Spurs. But it depends on if I can get the money for it, since tats can be expensive. (Right Sean? lmao)

But who the fuck am I to criticize anyone? No one. I've fucked up more times than I can count. I dunno man.

-M