Snowing Outside, but it can't get any colder inside

Going back through my old posts and I found one from around this time last year. It was at this point in time that I didn't have any idea that I would be moving to North Carolina. It felt weird looking back on it because as much as things actually DID end up changing in 2013, not everything has been positive.

My grandfather appears to be circling the drain. My mom and my uncle are going to drive to Georgia and meet up with my other aunt and uncle and go visit him in the hospital to say their goodbyes. I'd love to be able to go and see him again and say goodbye but I just cant with my current financial situation. It's bad. I don't feel as sad I probably should, but things rarely make me cry these days. I feel like my heart has been hardened through enough adversity that it would take something drastic for me to shed an emotional tear. 

As much as I try and try to get women interested in me I never succeed. I really should just give up and not give a fuck. I've been "waiting" for damn near 30 fucking years, there's only so much time I can wait. I've made a lot of terrible decisions in my life and I am the ONLY one who has to pay for them. As such, I am dealing with my penance or whatever right now. 

I made this bed so I'm fucking laying down in it. 

I future endeavored Niki. She had a lot of cons anyway, but I wish it would have gone a different way. My anger will continue to force me to make a lot of terrible decisions. I need to figure out a way to vent. 

Tonight is the first time it has snowed since I've been here. Really awesome. The only downside is that it might cause me to miss work. I hope not though. I need the hours, like crazy. I hate being poor. But yet I can't seem to motivate myself enough to really hunker down and study my ass off for the ICND2 exam. I hate myself. I genuinely do. 

I have to remember to put my "happy" mask on in public more. I keep forgetting. 

-M