Normal people do things like go out on dates; watch as I write this in solitude

My roommate (let's just go with S. for privacy's sake) S is going out on a date tonight. Well, more so a "go to a bar and drink and get to know you" thing. But knowing him, they will probably be fucking later. Thank god I took my sleeping pill. I just hope he doesn't drunkenly turn on music like last time...FML. Jeez.

Rachel texted me again yesterday and our conversation was kind of standoff-like; mostly my fault. I am upset with her that she is talking to guys...even though she friend-zoned me and hasn't done anything wrong. It's completely irrational and I know this. But do I "relax" like so many people tell me to do? Nope. I lash out at the one person who seems to actually show interest in my well-being. Although to be fair she wasn't really around when I was in NC. But that's how it goes right? When I was in NC, my SA friends weren't around and now that I'm back in SA my NC friends aren't around.

I think about S all of the time and I looked at my text history and noticed that we haven't texted each other since last december. 8 months. I already knew that our friendship changed as soon as she met her husband (before they got married) but damn. It's like the facebook status I posted a while back: out of sight, out of mind.

Speaking of facebook, it was around this time 2 years ago that E and I were talking according to the "on this day" memories thing. That was a high point in my life that I doubt I will ever get to again.

I need to do something drastic and I might have found it. I doubt that I will get it, but I am thinking about applying to work in the oil fields out in Sweeny, Texas. I don't imagine how I could isolate myself anymore than that, while still remaining relatively within reach of my family and "friends" in Texas.

I'm disgusted with people lately. Especially these "friends" that I have. Mostly my roommate and a different female friend since they fucked. He is such a playboy and bangs all sort of girls. He has a little black book with a shitload of women's name in it. If I didn't know about 1/8th of the names in it, I wouldn't even believe it. But he finally was able to add another of my friends' name to it. They both said they would never do that with each other....but of course that isn't true. Alcohol and desperation works wonders eh? Makes me sick. Especially because he told me that she was like, "I pride myself on being clean and not having any STDs" and he told her that he was clean. I know that isn't the case. His ex told me that she gave him HPV and I believe it was chlamydia. Sucks for her and sucks for my friend. Absolutely disgusting. But really, who the fuck am I to talk? I'm probably a functioning infection by this point.

Anyway, the sleeping pill is kicking in or something.

-M

Remember Stutterfly? I just did today.

This will probably end up shorter than it needs to be...that's what happens when you think about writing all day at work and then come home and are tired/lazy/uninspired to write. And to think, I wanted to be a writer when I was younger. lmao.

I spent about an hour or so at work today thinking up a facebook status. Let me try to recall what I had managed to come up with...

I used to think that I had a way with words. Not that I was ever a very confident speaker, or articulate at all. No, I thought I had "it" when it came to writing sentences. But like most positive traits that I believed I possessed for a long time, I was wrong. Whatever the present circumstances of my writing may be, I will attempt to explain what the hell is going on with me. I know that I have been a terrible friend the past few years. Even more so within the past year, but that shouldn't need explanation. Every single day is a struggle. I work tirelessly to combat these dark and depressing thoughts that creep into my head. If anyone actually knew what I was thinking at any given time, they would be appalled. I know I am, when they somehow make their way to the surface. I try my best to distract myself with any sort of media I can get my hands/eyes/ears on such as music, movies, games. And yet, sadly the menial work that I do 5 days out of the week gives me lots of time to be alone with my thoughts. Even if I try to focus on the task at hand I find myself slipping away from the present into the darkness since I am so adept at doing what I need to do that the work is effortless. I know I need help but my stubbornness prevents me from seeking it. I may not have spoken to a lot of you recently or at all within the past year, but know that I have absolutely thought of you. Yes you, reading this. Every single one of my friends from Texas to North Carolina to every other place that I know someone! My anxiety of accidentally revealing my madness prevents me from reaching out. Even in social situations I have the most guard up that I probably ever have. And to that end, I try and isolate myself from social situations altogether. Granted, I make an appearance here and there but I mostly keep to myself. I am not even trying to resolve my singledom. Anyone that truly knows me knows that all I have ever really wanted out of life was a wife and kids. The whole "white picket fence" type of deal. But I have made piss pour decisions and know that I am now destined to be alone. It took forever for me to realize that as I tried again and again to tempt fate only to be bested by this superior force. No more attempt shall be made. I have resigned myself to my solitude. I mean, I would love to have someone to share everything with. All of myself, my life, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, etc. But how can I possibly ask someone to embrace the broken man that I am today? It would be irresponsible and just plain wrong. I don't foresee any sort of "fix" for this, so instead I accept what has happened. Everyone who was a part of my tragedy had someone else (my mom had my dad, my sister-in-law had my niece) except for me. I have no one. I am totally alone. The way fate has deemed it. The way things were meant to be.   

But I didn't post that. I know that most people would only see it as a cry for help instead of an explanation. I'm not trying to get pity. I've received enough of that to last a lifetime.

Until next time...

-M

That's what I don't Understand, that's what I don't know...

I keep trying to make these fucked up plans even when I know its the wrong move. But the universe seems to be keeping me in check so I doubt anything will even come of them.

Earlier today at work I had some really dark and depressing thoughts. The fact that I am still on this earth and Danny isn't is something that I will never be able to comprehend. It is seriously mind-blowing. I would gladly trade places with him if I could. No questions asked. Its not like I have anything to offer anyone like he did. He had a family and was trying to make something of his life....whereas I am completely alone and back working in a restaurant. Fucking great.

I wished for death in....2004? 2005? Dunno. Life is fucked up though in that it took Danny instead of me. Oh and I just searched for my old "journal" and found it....so I wished for death or whatever in 2007. Sounds about right. That was a pretty shitty year overall.

I wanted to write and say so much more but I'm just going to cut this short for now.

-M

Incessant Ramblings - Part 2

I have always felt like the song "Fade" by Staind relates to me. I can relate to so much of what the lyrics say. Thanks for narrating a bit of my life, Aaron Lewis. *nods*

Things are still very much in a holding pattern. Work blew more ass recently because it seems like someone is always taking a vacation or requesting a day off or whatever and that fucks me over. Gah. And when I have an opportunity to try and do something for more money, I blow it. Whatever.

No love life still. I would like to think that it is mostly because I am trying to NOT even get involved with anyone but I doubt very much that is the case. I mean if I still had Tinder/Plenty of Fish/OkCupid/etc. things wouldn't be much different. I'd probably just have been rejected more than now.

It's crazy to think about that last year around this time I had a "bae"; as the young-ins call it. She was great and I didn't deserve her, and obviously the universe righted that wrong. Even the girl I was seeing BEFORE her, who wasn't someone I wouldn't have ever thought I would be involved with (to be perfectly honest) was too good for me. The universe took that too. Then a few months later I meet K. *le sigh* I tried too hard at first and then didn't stop to assess the situation properly. Even with all of the positives, there were a LOT of red flags and I shouldn't have grown as attached as fast as I did. But that's just what I do I guess. I move fast and get hurt because of it. Its like one of those "enjoy life now, ask questions later" type of thing.

Things have not gone the way I expected the entire time I've been back. I should be used to the disappointment and set expectations low, yet I don't. I always hope that things will go differently then they do. Like my birthday this year for example. I had all of these big plans and ideas....and all I managed to accomplish was the most simple of them: eat pizza. Big. Fucking. Deal. I think by this point, disappointment should be my middle name.

What sucks is that if I didn't make all of these poor decisions, I might have been lucky enough to meet a girl and have a kid and name it after Danny. But now, my shitty tattoo tribute and wrist band are all the legacy he gets.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I probably should have taken my friend S's advice and gone to see a therapist.

-M

Incessant Ramblings - Part 1

I'm torn. I know that I HAVE to be alone because of the bad choices I have made in my life up to this point and yet I still absolutely want to be with someone. It sucks because pretty much every single movie/tv show boils down to a relationship of some kind. Even ones where the main character talks to animals or insects or "god" or whatever. There are no shows or tvs that consist of one person being alone. And do you know why? Because that's fucking boring. No one would watch that! Just like no one should have to live it. And yet, here I am.

Every single day I exist is just another day that makes things worse. Case in point: the other day I noticed that my front teeth are slowly pushing inward. That's going to leave me looking ugly as sin. I'm fairly certain it is because I haven't had my wisdom teeth removed, but I haven't been to a Dentist in like 15 fucking years. If I go now, they'd have a field day. I already have seen how fucked up my teeth are in general. I've had dreams where they have all fallen out and that dream is probably going to be a reality. I should have taken better care of my teeth as well. I should have taken better care of my body in general. I had no real respect for myself. Still don't I guess.

This girl I matched with on Tinder that I tried to be friends with removed me from Facebook. Well fuck you too bitch. I tried to be YOUR friend. I didn't get any goddamn reciprocation. My Star Wars tattoo says "choose wisely" and you obviously chose the "I'm going to be a fucking bitch" side, which has led me to the dark side. I keep it Sith, 100%.

I deleted tinder, disabled my OKCupid account and all of that shit. I know that I need to be solo and so I'm not trying to even give it a chance.

I stopped at a Gas station earlier today to pick up some soda and the cashier was very friendly. She had gauges in her ears and some sort of awesome tattoo on her arm. I wish I had a chance to talk to her about the tattoo though. I really am interested in them now.

More later maybe.

-M

Still Uncertain

Not much has changed since my last update almost a month ago. I still feel the same way, if not worse. When I am at work and have time to think, I dream up all of these plans and ideas to do once I get home. After I am home I disregard all of it and go back to doing the same fucking thing I've been doing; absolutely nothing. Hell writing this update is probably the most 'productive' I have been in a while. I don't understand it. This has to be depression.

Last night I decided I wanted to drink beer...and so I proceeded to buy and drink a whole six pack in the span of about and hour and a half. I felt sick after the 6th one, but I didn't throw up. I feel like I use too many goddamn commas as well. Whatever.

My friend Rachel has been texting me periodically and I snapped at her the other day for no real reason. I already feel very alone and like I don't have people I can confide in anymore so I definitely should not have done that. I apologized to her but she said that it wasn't anything to apologize over and such. Okay. I need to shake all of the nonsense holding me down/back but I can't see/imagine how I am going to.

Even looking for friends has not panned out. I mean I could go to a meetup or two, but I just haven't. Been super lazy. Bleh. I need some sort of outlet for everything that I am feeling. Pain/frustration/loneliness/etc.

What sucks the most is that I put myself into this position. I have made terrible mistakes and have too much emotional baggage. I'm also not in a great position financially. All of that is why I can't be with someone. All I ever wanted was to have a wife, kids, house, etc. Typical american family type of shit. Instead my fear of dying alone has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fucking goddamn it.

It's probably better this way, that I go it alone. But damn if it doesn't hurt and feel like the worst pain imaginable.

Some people are trying to have a spouse AND someone on the side, while others (like me) can't even seem to get ONE person. Its goddamn unfair and I hate those greedy motherfuckers.

Meh.

I'm starting to get tired so I'm going to end this post now.

-M

Coming up on a year

I haven't written in this blog in a really long time. One day I might go back and fill in the gaps between that last post that I never finished and right now with greater detail but I feel like I should just cover the basics:

-I moved back to San Antonio, Texas to be with my family
-I'm back at a shitty restaurant job
-I put back on weight 
-I am living with a friend
-I am single and can't even seem to make any new friends

There's really a lot that I want to express and/or say to people but just don't. I honestly believe that I may be dealing with un-diagnosed depression. Maybe not, but there's a dark cloud around me that only goes away for fleeting moments of time.

I want to be different. I want to go back to the way that I was before; doing yoga, learning japanese, learning to play the guitar, etc. BUT I also want to do/be more. I want more tattoos, I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle, I want to smoke hookah on occasion, I want to exercise/run, and to read more. But I lack the motivation to do any of it. I mean I can't even seem to get out of the terrible restaurant job I am in. I am half-ass trying to leave. I just applied to be a delivery driver. Fuck it. It is really sad that it takes life altering events to make me do anything. I thought after coming back here to SA that I made the right choice. But now I am not so sure. I know for a fact that Danny wouldn't have wanted me to move back. He would have called me crazy/stupid for passing up on so much money/opportunity. Then again, it's his fault I am back. That's a fucked up thing to say but if he didn't pass away then I'd probably still be in NC.

Life is a goddamn fucked up cruel mistress with no fucking sense of humor or humility. I hate everything; mostly.

The only things I am okay with right now are the new songs that I have heard recently. "The Silver String" by Saosin and "Karate" by Babymetal. 

I should write more later. Maybe. 

-M