What is it even?

My mind went blank as I started to write this. I think it had something to do with women as always. Not positive though.

I'm washing clothes. Yay! /sarcasm

Things are returning to the way they were 'pre-NC' and I'm just shrugging. I can't do it alone, and yet that is how I've been trying. Everyone is getting married or having kids or at least in a relationship and then there's me: not doing anything. Maybe I should have stuck with Edith. *shrugs*

I've sorta given up trying as well. I haven't deleted OKC yet though. I need to get on that.

-M

Dream a little dream

I had a dream about my crush from my previous job last night. I thought I had managed to remove her from my mind since I was never going to see her again (theoretically). But I guess my subconscious still isn't over her. I can't blame it, we didn't exactly get any sort of closure whatsoever. Oh well.

I'm still reeling (not sure that's the correct word) from the whole FZ thing of this weekend. I should have known better; better than to try and find a companion. But part of me feels like I still deserve someone....even though that part is probably slowly decaying and will rot off eventually. I hope it does. At least that way I will have a definitive way of feeling, instead of this teeter-tottering, back and forth, bullshit. Gah.

Today at the new job was cool. I was the only one to get 4 rings set-up out of the 4 new people who were assigned. I did take it as a challenge, and I DID succeed. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm positive that the guys know that I don't have as much technically knowledge as they do, but I will be damned if having a guide/directions won't allow me to do something. Shiiiiit. lol.

-M

P. S. Beware the ides of March and all that. (Yes I know I'm late. Shoot me.) 

I Realize Why Now....Sorta

I think I know why the updates to this blog are so infrequent: I really only feel like writing about my life when it's not going so great. Which, I can see why that would make sense; if I had awesome stuff going on, there wouldn't be a reason to sit here and pour my heart out to a blog that only I read. Know what I mean?

It's back again (or did it never leave?), that feeling of doom and depression. I got friendzoned AGAIN yesterday. By a girl that I thought I might have had some sort of future with. But I guess I always think that. Who tries to date someone that they don't think they have a future with right? *shrugs* I haven't claimed to be intelligent for quite some time now.

I say this now and I've said it before (so we will see if/when it sticks) but I am giving up on finding someone. I will be 31 this year and I honestly didn't expect to make it to this point due to the myriad of illnesses that I KNOW I have that aren't currently diagnosed. Like the bruise/spot on my right leg that sometimes hurts like crazy but other times is perfectly fine. I will probably never know what THAT is about. But back to the giving up thing....I deleted Tinder and disabled my plenty of fish account. I haven't gotten rid of OkCupid yet, but I will. I'm trying to hard, instead of just letting it happen. And by this point, I doubt it will. I've spent so much time trying to fight fate that I'm willing to accept defeat. You can't go against what life has in store for you. You are only delaying the inevitable and even that only works for so long. How can you expect to alter the threads of fate when you don't even have a clue how they work? You can't. I've tried.

Things with the friend that I mentioned in the previous entry are definitely almost over. She has a boyfriend now and a full house and a busy and wonderful life I'm sure. She doesn't even respond to the questions I ask her via text. Instead she replies back with random shit. Like today I asked her what's up and she replied with "Do you need a Vacuum?" What.The.Fuck. No I don't need a fucking Vacuum. I need you to be there for me when I need to talk. But you are probably too busy having an amazing life to make time for me. I fucked up at some point along the way and you realized that I would only bring you down, which is great for you. I knew you were smart as hell. I guess I just didn't expect you to realize that so soon and thought I could get at least a year of friendship out of you before you bailed. Ah well. Shame on me for trying to think. I need to just keep bullshitting my way through life, as I have been. But without companionship. Jason won't abandon me, unless I start spiraling into drugs or drinking or something. He's too nice. I'm sure he wants to kick me out as it is. I should try looking for my own place once I get on my feet.

At least I am finally starting to make a bit of headway on the debt that I have. If I live long enough, I might actually start to pay some of it off! Heh, I'll be surprised if that happens though. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still here as it is.

It's heartbreaking to know that everyone around me can seem to get into or out of relationships as they please. Even my friends who are single are still happy. They get to DATE and have sex and all the normal shit that people our age should be doing. I feel like the characters in Kurt Vonnegut's "TimeQuake" except that I can only hope and pray that someone will walk up to me and tell me "you were sick but now you're well. And there's work to do."

Heh, are hallucinations a symptom of depression?

-M

Oh, the one bright spot in my life? I found out that the band BABYMETAL kicks ass. 

Been about a month, let's reflect a bit

I have a habit of screwing things up, and yet this wasn't entirely my fault. I'm single again, but its because the girl couldn't find a job here. She was basically a NURSE and couldn't find a job. Can you believe it? Neither can I. It doesn't quite add up. She also said that she was planning on joining the military. That was the death nail. I don't have the time or money to wait or follow her. So we called it quits. I get the feeling she didn't really care. Everything she said about being and sad and stuff felt like an act. We didn't 'speak' for almost a month...which no relationship could survive, yet alone a young one like ours. Oh well.

I keep saying that I am okay but I'm fairly certain I'm not. I was buzzed by like 9:30am the day after we broke-up. I sobered up enough to meet some friends for dinner and then got drunk again. It was their fault for giving me free beers though. O.o

Ever since I've just felt pretty blah, overall. My thoughts are creeping back to my pre-move to nc-style, which won't end well. I'm currently listening to Bullet for My Valentine, which I normally only do when I'm in a bad move. Meh.

I'm fallen into the 'Matt Trap' once again though. I have a beautiful friend who is newly single. I've been dropping hints but she only considers me a friend. I know this. And yet, I can't help but feel like I have to try even if I know it will fail. But I don't want to ruin the friendship because it isn't like I have a bunch of friends here. So yep, the trap I always fall into.

The pain I've been having for a while has started to get worse again. I go through phases, and right now it's a bad one. I hope it clears up. Or kills me. I'm back to feeling kinda depressed. It's that time of the year. When everyone has someone to spend the holidays with, I'm just here alone. I deserve it for the bad decisions I've made, but still. That doesn't make it hurt any less. Gah.

I started using teeth whitening strips and my teeth are hurting. Gonna have to use that re-mineralizer stuff I have at the house after my next session. I've been trying to quit soda as well. So hopefully my smile will look a decent shade brighter in the future. Also a side effect of quitting soda is being a bit sleepier thanks to less caffeine. I'm going to quit coffee soon too. *shrugs*

As for other positive things....I can't really think of any. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'll be working. I expect it to be a quiet evening.

Things with the friend who I've fallen into the 'Matt Trap' with have been cooling off a lot recently as well. It used to be her who would text me. But now she doesn't text me unless I text her first. Blah.

-M

Since I left you hanging, let's try to catch up

I have written in so, so long. I'm not sure why other than forgetfulness/laziness. I feel like I only ever write something in here when things are on the downswing, which is actually why I decided to write this entry....self-fulfilling prophecy much?

I met some friends towards the end of July, via meetup.com. I started going to game nights on wednesday night where we play board and card games. It's been fun. 

In August I made a reddit post looking for companionship. Basically just like a craigslist post, except on reddit. A girl responded....from Wisconsin. I should have dismissed her then. BUT, she said that she was planning on moving here to NC. So I went ahead and let the 'idea' of her and I being together invade my mind, thoughts, emotions, etc. I figured that we would never even meet until she moved here. It would just be an 'online' thing. But it grew and grew thanks to Skype videochatting, Facebook messages, the Avocado App, and texts/phone calls. Then one day while talking about her to a friend of mine, the friend asks how come we haven't met yet? And basically I could only answer that I didn't have the money. So she offered her airline miles to me so that I could meet this girl. But, the girl didn't currently have a job like I do. So my friend instead allowed the girl to use the miles instead, so she could spend a week here with me instead of me spending like 2 days there.

Well these plans were made in September. October finally rolled around and she was supposed to come. She flew in on  Wednesday afternoon, and it was magical. Thursday I worked and then we hung out for a bit after I came home and then went to sleep. By the time I left for work on friday, she said she had to go home ASAP. She was bawling her eyes out. Her grandfather had a stroke which led to a heart attack. She thought he was going to die. So she wanted to go be with him. I couldn't be mad at her....but I sure as hell could be mad at the fucking universe. That situation confirmed my believe that there is no god or higher power or anything like that. If there were, how in the hell could he have possibly allowed that to happen? I was finally getting the chance to be happy....and it was ripped from me in an instant. No 'benevolent' being would do that. Her grandpa could have had his heart attack/stroke a week later, and my happiness wouldn't be impacted. Of course hers would be regardless, but still. It's fucking lame that we finally got time together only to have it cut short.

I'm self-censoring at the moment because if I were to really speak my mind I might say something that would reveal too much of who I really am. And no one is ready for that. 

-M

I've got some issues Stan, I think I need some counseling....

Wow so it's been a while since I've written. I wanted to write a few times but either laziness or forgetfulness took hold of me. 

After haphazardly reading my last post I can safely say that she is 86'd from being my gf. Probably like 3 days after I made that last post we decided to call it off. By we I mean me of course. But I went the politically correct route and made it seem on social media like we came to a mutual decision and whatnot. She agreed to call it off, but I doubt she would have reached that conclusion on her own. As I said in a previous entry, she's kinda stupid.

I really sincerely believe in my heart that I was meant to be alone. What else could explain it? I've been told that I just needed to wait over and over again in my life. I'm now 30 years old. How much longer do I need to fucking wait? Also why should everyone else find happiness in high school or whatever while I have to be practically dead with no hope in site? A bit unfair. But, and here's the catch, if I weren't long for this world, I could understand perfectly. I mean, why drag someone down with me? Maybe that's the 'greater plan' or higher purpose that some "benevolent" entity is trying to show me. Why else? Seriously. I'm just a jerk in a nice guy's clothing, but there are worse people in the world than me who get companionship. It kinda sucks. 

I wish that whatever force that was trying to show me this 'you don't get to have a companion' thing would just fucking kill me already. I get it. 

-M

How much longer? No idea...

 She is either too dumb to realize that she is fucking things up, or she knows exactly what is going on and is playing me like a fiddle. I want to give her a lot of credit and say it's probably the last part. But honest, I don't think it is. It took me a while but I finally realize that she has hella tunnel vision. Major even. Like, 'Disregard everything else to focus on whatever' style. There were signs of this previously, but I guess I had my own tunnel vision going on. I was so wrapped up in the fact that this girl liked me, that I overlooked some HUGE red flags. I know that you should never try and change someone, but I supposed I was naive enough to think that she would change herself without my intervention. But, I'm gonna let Dr. Cox tell you guys what I was:

Yep. That about sums it up. Here I was, thinking that well if I text her she will text me back. Nope. She didn't even text me back today. At all. I'm gonna not text her until wednesday. If she doesn't text me I'm breaking it off with her. It's gonna suck, but I guess I can re-buy my Hellsing dvds. **le sigh**

Fucking bitch. I can't believe she is doing this to me. She said she really liked me. Some way of showing it. Fuck. 

I really need to stop with the craigslist thing. The people are too fucking weird. I just need to focus on okcupid or pay the fucking money for match [dot] com. 

Gonna get ready for bed. This weekend was a complete waste. Utterly and totally. Thanks for nothing cunt. 

-M