The Short Answer is: No, it Didn't Mean Anything

I didn't talk directly to my crush today, but I did talk to another server who she is friends with. I mentioned what my crush said and the friend said, "Oh yeah she told me about that. She said that she realized after she said it that she probably gave you high hopes or something."

Indeed, I did have high hopes. I knew it was nothing really, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering 'What If?' 

Also, I know that I really don't mean anything to my crush because she didn't tell me bye when she left today. Which has happened more than once. Obviously I don't mean anything because I'm not on her mind. I'm not on her mind, whereas she is on my mind and in my heart. *le sigh*

Off to job number 2 I go.

-M

P.S. I don't know what the hell happened with the formatting on that last entry. I'm gonna go back later and try to fix it. 

I Could Never Be The Hero; My Fate is Intertwined With Villainy

In my last entry you were made aware that things were happening in my life. But things have changed already...

So the girl I have waited 7 years for, has changed her mind. It was that quick. We didn't even do anything. She just came to the realization that she hated all of my friends (and they her) and so it wouldn't work out. Can't argue there. Especially when I tried to honestly think about how it would be and came to the conclusion that she parties way too hard. That's not the type of woman I want. 

Speaking of the type of woman I DO want....my crush at work said something on friday that made my heart melt. It was absolutely touching. I had gotten into it with another server and told my crush about it. Apparently she went and told the other server "What did you do to MY Matthew?" *swoons* Can you believe it? I haven't been called someone's anything in a long time. I don't even know the story or meaning behind it or anything. She is being real coy. I was planning on asking her yesterday when she got off of work, but she left in a real hurry. Not sure if it was because she was tired or because people were teasing her about it. If it was the teasing I'm gonna be pissed. Why can't a girl like me? It's not like I've spent the last 2 years flirting with her and getting to know her as much as I can. Fuck. If people are teasing her for having feelings for me I honestly think I am going to lose my shit. Fuck people for that. *le sigh*

I don't know. I mean it's not like she is going to leave her boyfriend for me or anything. And it’s not like I am in any position to take care of her and her son in the really unlikely scenario that she does. *le sigh*

According to my parents we might end up staying in SA. I have some decisions to make, but I think I might still end up in North Carolina, should my friend be okay with it.  

I guess that’s it for now.

-M

Life's Finally Happening...a little too late

It would appear that I am on my way out of San Antonio. It's not a foregone conclusion, yet. But it does appear that way. My parents' house is about to be foreclosed on and I don't have the money to take over the lease/mortgage or whatever. 

I talked to one of my friends (he's probably my best friend, but I'm not sure if he would classify me in the same way) about staying with him....in North Carolina. He's down. I think a change of scenery might do me some good. Lord knows the bitches here in SA don't know what they are missing in regards to me. lol. 

Speaking of....she's finally come around. The woman that I have liked for a long time finally thinks of me in a romantic sense. I've ruined friendships for this woman. I've waited and waited and waited. And now, NOW, at all periods in my life for this to happen, she finally tells me that she feels like we have Chemistry. *le sigh*

It's all too much. How am I supposed to make all of these potentially life changing decisions? And in less than 2 weeks?? Oh.My.God. I don't know. I just don't know...


I have to head to work. Confused as hell. 

-M

I have this condition.....I've told you this before haven't I?

"Only every time I see ya!"

From Memento, one of the best films ever. And this was before everyone was on Christopher Nolan's nuts because of Batman. 

Anyway, I was wondering if I might be crazy. Like, need to see a shrink style crazy. Obviously I'm not physically hurting myself or anyone else but I have such a problem with life. As I have noted in this blog before, I have a problem with going from wanting to live and get the most out of life, to just wanting whatever the hell it is that is bothering me to just take me out. And I flip flop on this issue on a whim. Recently my stance was that I wanted to better myself and make a great life, but being so fucking tired all the time pretty much made that impossible. I TRIED, I honestly gave it a shot but I came away with nothing. Just yesterday I thought to myself, "Fuck it. Just kill me already." I'm not talking suicide or about taking my own life, but since I've disregarded whatever the hell disease/condition I have that has been bothering me since at least 2008, I am talking about that killing me. 

I found out the girl I've been texting and stuff is only 22. I don't know why I thought she was 24, but the fact that she didn't understand a lot of my references now makes sense. She asked me if it was a problem and I told her no. I mean she wouldn't even be the youngest person in the group were we to progress to that point. She invited me to something on March 16th, but then told me that we have to meet in person first....and proceeded to not make any plans for that. *le sigh* I know she is nervous, (she told me so) but I don't have scales or a tail or something. She really needs to just get it over with. Meh.

Oh so my latest scheme? Gonna try and learn to draw, in the hopes that I can become a web-comic. lololol. Good luck with THAT! I'm stupid.

-M

2013 already? More disappointment in store, I'm sure

It is now 18 days into the new year and I have yet to feel/see any changes other than the date. Everyone always says something great will happen, and yadda this and yadda that, but it is all horseshit. I talked to my brother during Christmas and he was talking to me about "when you get married and have kids" and all this other shit. I tried to explain to him that that was not going to happen, but he said that it would eventually or whatever. For fucks sake man, if I am giving up on it, then so should you. Quit trying to make me having a normal or happy life happen. It's not going to. 

In other news, 

We are now in the feeling out process. By we I mean me and a girl that I've been talking to from craigslist. Yes the same craigslist that I said I couldn't get a girl to like me from. I have never met this girl, yet we've been in communication since November. I barely saw a picture of her like last week, even though I sent my pics waaaay back in the first email. Such is life. I've been wanting to meet so that I can know if I am wasting my time or not. She on the other hand is apparently enjoying the ride regardless and could care less about seeing me in person. I guess if our appearances were reversed then I'd probably feel the same way too. *shrugs* I dunno. I guess the texting every day thing is nice. I kinda miss not having someone that was interested in my every day life. And while I doubt the sincerity of her interest, the feigning of concern is good enough. I am through trying to meet her though. Balls in her court on that one.

So I've been hearing my mom coughing a lot lately. It's not good. It sounds like the coughing of my neighbor that I had when I was younger who died from lung cancer caused by cigarettes. If I close my eyes and just listen to the noise it sounds damn near identical. I don't want to think about losing a parent at this day and age. It was almost at this point last year when my father had a heart attack. I was scared of losing him then and the thought of either one of my parents passing right now is not something I want to think about. Why did my family have to be so fucked up? How come my brother was the only one to make it out okay? Why do I always let my emotions get the better of me? 

I have no answers to these questions. Only more questions to put on top. Until next time.

-M

More Sadness Than Anything

Always I have these grand schemes about doing things and being productive. I decide that I want to not waste time and all this....but sure enough, time is wasted. I'm such a lazy bastard. And that's not a "haha he is making fun of himself" thing. It's a "seriously what a motherfucking piece of garbage" thing. Gah. I don't know what is wrong with me. I go from wanting to work out and lose weight and all this to just saying FUCK IT and not caring. 

I fluctuate from wanting to live my life to the fullest and then resigning myself to the fate that I have assigned myself. I feel worse than I have in a while in regard to whatever the fuck is bothering me. I go from wanting to be relieved of my torture on this planet, to wishing for eternal happiness. This, THIS is why I have yet to get a tattoo. I have no earthly IDEA what the hell I would put on my body that I wouldn't get absolutely sick of. Doubt it will ever happen. 

The only thing that even comes to mind is something Funeral for a Friend related. The Isaac told me "You don't actually love FFAF, you love the idea of FFAF" to which I replied that he was full of shit. FFAF fucking rules and I will say/defend that idea until the day I pass....however soon that actually occurs. 

I can say without a shred of doubt that I now love my crush at work. She is aware of the fact that I like her, but I don't think she knows I love her. Her smile, her eyes, her hair, her voice. I love all of it. I want to just hug her and never EVER let go. I know that will never happen. She and I are not meant to be. The only way she would leave her situation is if I could take care of her, and that isn't the case at the moment. I know she would work, don't get me wrong. She is a damn hard worker, I've seen it. But the fact that she is essentially providing for herself, her son and her lazy douche-hat of a boyfriend tells me that I would have to offer her something substantial to get her to leave that situation. And I'm in no position to do so. The song "Something I can Never Have" is an accurate description of how I feel about it. 

I've been watching season 8 of Scrubs and tearing up. It is rare for me to cry about things in real life, but I have no problem crying with characters on tv or in movies that I have grown attached to. I guess seeing characters on TV being happy in relationships makes me emotional due to my own loneliness. Even the other single girl in our group is talking to someone now. Aside from the other single guy's retardedness (he could have had the single girl if he wanted), I'm the only one struggling with meeting and finding someone. I feel lonely and pathetic. I put up ads on craigslist and get some decent responses but then things either fizzle out completely or I send pics and then they don't say SHIT after that. I have to learn to accept the fact that I am an ugly, overweight slob, who can't even get girls on craigslist, fucking CRAIGSLIST interested in him. *le sigh*

Worthless. And yet I can't say anything about it because then I'm being "too emo" and my complaining is "very annoying" to people. Whatever. That's what this is for. This blog is my journal/diary/therapist. (Not "A-nal-rapist" though. I'm watching you Tobias.)

I like how only me or someone as nerdy as me would fully understand my blog. That works for me. Whatevs.

This has gone all over the place so I will just stop here. Until next time.

-M

Outside Happy. Inside Angry and Bitter

Today I learned: that "fairly quick" means 30 minutes or more.

Friend (9:32):

Making a quick HEB run...should be fairly quick...

Friend (10:04):

About to leave HEB

I really don't understand some people, especially this guy. It's as if he not only doesn't think about others, but if in the off chance that he does think about others that he just doesn't give TWO FUCKS. This mofo knows I work early. Well he SHOULD. He probably doesn't, because he's who/the way he is. Asshat. 

I want to let people know that I'm pissed off/bitter/depressed/angry, but I know that no one wants to hear it. Who does? Especially at this time of the year (holidays). So instead I have chosen this as my outlet. To everyone else I will appear happy or at least NOT sad. lmao. But that isn't the case. I couldn't be worse off. I feel like crap. I'm depressed and the holidays bring out the worst because I want to have someone. I know that I don't deserve someone, but that doesn't mean I don't want them. Ya know? Meh. 

I have to go make a social appearance. I might be back later but I doubt it. *shrugs*

-M