It is now 18 days into the new year and I have yet to feel/see any changes other than the date. Everyone always says something great will happen, and yadda this and yadda that, but it is all horseshit. I talked to my brother during Christmas and he was talking to me about "when you get married and have kids" and all this other shit. I tried to explain to him that that was not going to happen, but he said that it would eventually or whatever. For fucks sake man, if I am giving up on it, then so should you. Quit trying to make me having a normal or happy life happen. It's not going to.
In other news,
We are now in the feeling out process. By we I mean me and a girl that I've been talking to from craigslist. Yes the same craigslist that I said I couldn't get a girl to like me from. I have never met this girl, yet we've been in communication since November. I barely saw a picture of her like last week, even though I sent my pics waaaay back in the first email. Such is life. I've been wanting to meet so that I can know if I am wasting my time or not. She on the other hand is apparently enjoying the ride regardless and could care less about seeing me in person. I guess if our appearances were reversed then I'd probably feel the same way too. *shrugs* I dunno. I guess the texting every day thing is nice. I kinda miss not having someone that was interested in my every day life. And while I doubt the sincerity of her interest, the feigning of concern is good enough. I am through trying to meet her though. Balls in her court on that one.
So I've been hearing my mom coughing a lot lately. It's not good. It sounds like the coughing of my neighbor that I had when I was younger who died from lung cancer caused by cigarettes. If I close my eyes and just listen to the noise it sounds damn near identical. I don't want to think about losing a parent at this day and age. It was almost at this point last year when my father had a heart attack. I was scared of losing him then and the thought of either one of my parents passing right now is not something I want to think about. Why did my family have to be so fucked up? How come my brother was the only one to make it out okay? Why do I always let my emotions get the better of me?
I have no answers to these questions. Only more questions to put on top. Until next time.
-M
