Things appear to be bad all around

So it would appear that no one in my family is doing well. I just spoke to my brother, who told me about my family's poor health all over the U.S. I keep wondering what happened to my generation. Only my brother has managed to find a modicum (is that the right word? Synonym for margin) of success. Everyone else is just floundering, myself included. We were supposed to be successful and take care of everyone....but we can't even take care of ourselves. Life is a cruel mistress, right along with fate.

How did it even get to this point? I don't know.

-M

Picking up on little things; reflection

I've been trying to reverse my karma. Its obviously been negative for a long, long time and I've been blind to it. I reached out and apologized to a few old friends and we are friends on facebook again. One of them I am 'okay' about. The other I am sorta happy about. If I hadn't ran my mouth so long ago maybe things would be different right about now. As it stands, she is in Minnesota and I am in North Carolina. We shared a lot of happy times that ended way too soon. Hopefully we can re-ignite some of that spark.
The fall weather is approaching us here in NC. Every day it feels like the temp drops a degree or two. Its nice waking up to a cool apartment with the sliding door open (screen closed) and birds singing and stuff. Beautiful. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of things for no real reason. Well no, I know the reason(s). But the answer isn't a good one, so I'd rather just be vague about it. Ugh.

Getting transferred to a new store and having to repeat the same things over and over is annoying yet theraputic. I tell the same stories, same jokes, same lies, etc. to everyone that shows any interest. Even when I think there is a love interest or something, that ends the same way...they have a boyfriend or are talking to someone or whatever. I've been doing a series of videos with The Isaac and in one of his replies to me he dished out this pearl of wisdom: 'Sometimes you are just yourself, and that's the wrong move.' I love it. It is simple yet deep and truthful. I love that dude in the most hetero way possible. Lol.
But yeah that's all I've got for now. I miss Texas.

I might literally be going insane...

I've been having weird thoughts as of late. Well not weird so much as not "normal" in the sense that if people knew what I was thinking they would question my sanity. I don't blame them. I'm beginning to question it myself. I mean, maybe it's just the fact that I really don't talk to anyone. Jason and I converse, but it's not the same as having a group of friends to talk and do stuff with. I dunno. I honestly think that if I had more time to think over the decision, I might not have moved out here. But sometimes the tough decisions have to be made without pondering long, as was the case this time. 

I'm crushing on a girl at work. I might have mentioned it before. She has a boyfriend of at least 3 years, but I can't help myself. She is everything I am looking for/want in a woman. I know we can't (and mostly don't) always get what we want, but I feel helpless. She is the bright and shining light amidst the smoldering pit of brutality that is my workplace. I might be replacing my old crush with this new one because I don't have anyone, but I'm not sure. [Seems to be a recurring theme, me not being sure of something.]

It's been almost 3 months and I have ZERO new friends. I have met people here, but no one I would consider a friend yet. That's mostly due to being an antisocial hermit, but yeah. It's not like anyone at work has made an effort, aside from the whale mentioned in a previous blog. But, that's a situation that has almost gone away. I finally managed to get it through her head to stop trying to pursue me...I think. Time will tell I guess. 

There was more to the story, but after working doubles this whole fucking weekend I am tired. I am going to cut it short here. 

-M

Postulating about the future (hopefully I used that correctly)

I guess by this point I should try and think about the future. However short it may or may not be. 

I made a list of things that I need money for either coming up soon or things that I WANT to do/acquire in the future. Here it is:

-Car stuff: License, license plates, insurance, transmission(? not sure but there's SOMETHING wrong)
-Tattoos: The Mega Man tats I mentioned before, this sweet Doctor Who logo thing, my niece's initials, and some FFAF lyrics. 
-Dog! And related accessories. I want a dog man. It would definitely help with the loneliness. 
-My certification exams

It sucks that money is what makes the world go around. Well at least to me since I don't have much of it. Heh. 


In other news, I skyped with the SA group on saturday night. It was nice. I felt like I was there, aside from the lack of ability to eat their food. lol. They keep having the impression that I'm going back to visit soon. That's probably my fault, but I mostly said that because I figured it would go over better than "well see ya'll never." Ya know? *shrugs*

Things are going alright. I wish I could say they were getting better but I haven't gotten to that point yet. 

Alright I'm out. 

-M

Understanding references years out when you finally see what was being referenced...

For years I never understood why one of my friends referred to himself as 'Battousai' or some variation of his name + Battousai online. I had no idea that he was referencing an anime, yet alone which particular anime. (It's not like there is a shortage of anime out there.) I don't remember how I came across it specifically, but I ended up looking up Rurouni Kenshin on Wikipedia and thinking that it sounded great. Having watched three episodes thus far, I can say that it's living up to its reputation up to this point. The connection between the two things is that 'Battousai' is a term from Kenshin, which makes total sense now that I think about it. The friend in question is a huge anime nerd, so yea. 

Funny how that works right? I wonder if people will ever understand things I've referenced waaay later. Nah, I doubt anyone cares enough to remember. Meh. 

I've been feeling especially alone out here. I mean I live with Jason, but he's gonna about 70% of the time. And aside from him and his girlfriend (who I have yet to see or talk to in person since being out here) I don't know anyone. I've met people at Chili's, but with the exception of the whale in the aforementioned entry there's not exactly any interest in me. I think I cracked that case, and it actually has to do with the fact that all of the good looking ladies there are already taken. I mean me being ugly or unattractive or unappealing or whatever COULD have something to do with it, but in general mostly everyone has someone already. The only remedy is to get in better shape so I can attract a non-whale. 

Its the same story all the time. Even on OkCupid. I browse profiles to find girls that I think I would be compatible with and send them messages. They either don't respond to the message, or they see it and choose not to respond to it for whatever reason. My once thought of 'flawless' personality does indeed have some flaws. I gave myself too much credit and now I'm trying to fix that. I need to try and be humble. I need to stop being so quick to get angry. I need to relax. I need to stop stressing. 

I've just come across the band "Meg and Dia" via a dubstep remix to one of their songs, and I think I like them. Their songs are good and chill. I feel relaxed. 

Well relaxed and tired. And depressed. And lonely. *le sigh*

I've been thinking more and more about getting a tattoo or three. lmao. Right now the idea(s) I have are: Mega Man on my left calf, Proto Man on my right, and some funeral for a friend lyrics on my back. That'd be outstanding. But that requires money....something that is in short supply at the moment. Meh. 

Guess that's it for now. 

-M

"It's about not settling for something less than you deserve, just because there isn't any other option..."

A girl once posted that as her facebook status ONE day after I asked her out. Obviously it was for me, even if she would never come out and admit to it. I mean no one knew except maybe her, me, and a few of my friends so why spell it out? As much as that hurt (and oh boy did it ever), at least she had the kindness to not say something like, "HEY EVERYONE MATTY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!" instead. She chose to be vague, and I never really appreciated that until now. 

Since losing around 30lbs, I've been getting unexpectedly hit on. The first time a girl flirted with me at the corner store I had the "Who? Me?" *pointing and looking around*-style reaction. Well now that I am in a kitchen in a new state, I thought I would be able to get to know a new set of women. There are quite a few pretty girls that I work with. However, I am 95% certain that they are ALL taken. Every one. Every.Single.One. 

There is one that I know for a fact that likes me. "Great!" you are probably thinking, right? Wrong. Oh man. Now I understand what that girl was saying when she posted that facebook status. Time is the greatest of teachers right? 

I couldn't understand at the time why she didn't want to be with me. But now that the situation is reversed...I get it. And I am no longer angry at her. At the time, I didn't understand that I was a whale trying to be with a cute minnow. Now, I'm the cute minnow and a whale wants to be with me. I know that is a TERRIBLE analogy, but I will be goddamned if I can't put it any better. I knew I was fat when I asked that girl out. But I thought my personality was great. (I was wrong, obviously.) But the girl that likes me...she is HUGE. I am trying to get it through her head that I'm not interested, but she won't leave it alone. It's starting to get annoying really. Like I said, NOW I understand how in the wrong I was. Man.

I gotta just "Keep Calm and Keto On" as I tell myself. (I should get that printed onto a T-shirt)

Listening to Splender. I miss them. Glad I got to see them live before they broke up. 

This post sort of got derailed, so I guess that's it for now. 

-M

I am writing this from North Carolina

Life is a funny thing. 

I never pictured leaving Texas, the state which has been my home for over two decades. I never actually had a say in the matter (well until I turned 18 at least) but I had no qualms with Texas. I loved San Antonio. Still do. The San Antonio Spurs are in the NBA Finals this year. I hope they win the championship. That would be a cool going-away/birthday present. Plus if Duncan wins the title I guarantee he will retire. Bank on it.

Anyway, I did it. I made the cross country drive from San Antonio, Texas to Garner, North Carolina. I made it in about 28 hours, with a couple of stops here and there. One of them being dinner with my cousin from Georgia who I hadn't seen in about 20 years. Worth it. Oh, and I did it without my proof of insurance...which I left in SA due to all of the commotion of the move. (Like a boss? lol)

I had to have the 'rents mail me out my insurance card, which I just received today. I went out to Walmart and Dollar Tree. (Have I mentioned how much I love Dollar Tree?)

It finally hit me as I was walking across the parking lot to my car after leaving Dollar Tree: "I am halfway across the United States, away from my family and (most of) my friends." Crazy...

Since I haven't updated this blog before the story about my crush thoroughly came to an end, let me catch up.

I put my two weeks' notice in at Jim's on May 3rd....that was the last day I would see my crush. She looked lovely. She had her hair in pigtails. Muy bonita. Ella se vea como Pocahontas.  *le sigh* Anyway, I had asked her for a photo in the past but she said to ask her on a day when she did her hair all nice. So I figured that day (the 3rd) was the perfect day. 

"I only have two weeks left with her, I better get the picture while I can," I thought to myself.

Little did I know how right I was. 

So as the day progresses, I just figure I will ask her towards the end, so that it won't get in the way of her work. Well....she ended up leaving without telling me bye. Not only did I not get to take a picture with her, but I never got to give/get a proper goodbye....that was the last time she was at Jim's. She called in the next day and the GM basically told her that she was fired, since she DID have a habit of calling in all the damn time. 

I was devastated. All the time spent (not so) secretly crushing on her and I have nothing to show for her. Not. A. Damn. Thing. Only memories. Those will have to last, and I anticipate they will. 

The only thing I have are memories: our memories. Memories of time spent together. Not "together" but spent at the same place, interacting. It was a secret that I liked her for a little while, but I had a feeling she always knew. And then one day it was out, just like that. *finger snap* Matt likes her.

People seemed surprised, as if I were some sort of robot incapable of feeling. But then all of a sudden they understood. They realized that she meant more to me than just the title of "coworker" bestowed by the job. I knew we could never be, just like she did. It was a total fantasy. I even joked with her that I was going to kidnap her and we were going to run away together to Mexico and live off of the land. Heh, it sounds silly seeing it typed out but when I told her this to her face she smiled. It wasn't a fake smile. I've seen enough of those in my time to know. It was a "you are great...but it will never work" smile. I knew that. But you know what? Sometimes just getting a smile meant the world to me. Hell even if it turned out that it WAS a fake smile, it felt real. And that's all that matters. I will never forget her smile. I will never forget her voice. I will never forget her beauty. I will never forget her personality. Most of all, I will never forget HER. 

<3

Matt