Believe it or not I actually came up with that quote during one of my many 'lost in thought' moments at work. I was thinking about how a lot of my dreams recently have been actually about things that are going on in my life as opposed to the random, freak occurrences, and nonsensical nonsense (cheap plug!) that normally occurs.
Moving on from dreams...
Whenever the whole group (my circle of friends) gets together for a hangout, wherever it is, I feel their eyes on me. Either one person in particular because he feels I am cock-blocking him, or the group as a whole because they think I am trying to get with the one single girl in the group. This girl happens to be a good friend of mine. Apparently I've known her longer than she has known her younger brother. lmao. But yeah...so I'm officially in the friend zone there como siempre but I guess no one can understand that I have good intentions and that I don't have any ulterior motives. [Do >I< even believe that I don't have ulterior motives??] *le sigh* The situation is complicated. I don't feel that even trying to explain it would do any justice.
"When you smile, I melt inside. I'm not worthy of a minute of your time. I really wish it was only me and you..."
-Blink182
The crush on my platonic work friend is intensifying. We don't even have to interact for longer than a few seconds and she makes me feel good. I see her smile and all of the bitterness and hatred in my heart simply melts away temporarily. I say temporarily because while I'm at work I am near her and able to be happy. When I get home and she is not in the vicinity, all the good she has done to/for me goes away and the cold-hearted bastard within me returns. That being said, I have three amazing days a week, if I'm lucky. We work together friday-sunday, but she has called in a lot during our tenure. So that's why I say 3 days if I'm lucky. I always cross my fingers that she doesn't call in on they days we are supposed to have together. I can't blame her if she does because most of the time it is because of her son, which is a perfectly understandable reason.
I started thinking about the fact that I'm even crushing on this girl in the first place. I told myself that I didn't want a woman with kids....because I wanted children of my own. When I was browsing craigslist/okcupid during my woman search I would see some amazing sounding ladies, but I would immediately deny/ignore them if they had children. It's such a staunch stance that I have to ask myself...how in the fuck can you like the girl at work? She has a 2 year old! The reason is probably that I got to know her. Viewing someone from one side of a computer screen is entirely different from talking and getting to know them.
I remember telling a certain woman that I foolishly dedicated my high school career to that I would take care of her when she was a single mother. Probably no the smartest thing to say, but I felt like I would and could make an exception to my "no kids" rule for her because I was infatuated. That appears to be the case once again...
Am I predictable? Have I learned nothing from my past mistakes? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill because nothing will ever happen between us anyway? *le sigh*
-M
No comments:
Post a Comment